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Wednesday, October 18, 2017

It's your attitude that counts

Yesterday my primary care person, Ben, and I discussed the results of my recent spinal MRI. Considering the assessment I should be in a lot of pain. He said he has had patients with less problems than I have, crawling into his office. Sometimes I feel as if I should apologize for not being in pain. I have decided it is the attitude I choose to use.

Things are not what they were ten years ago or even ten months ago when I had a spinal CT scan, but that's life.When you age stuff happens.You can either accept it and do what you can to help the situation or feel sorry for yourself and drain the energy of everyone around you. Guess which one I choose?

I have never been a poor me person, but I know people who have and it sucks.

Both Ben and I decided before the results came in that surgery is way off and may not ever happen. He is suggesting pain injections, but I vetoed that for now. I am just not in a lot of pain. My thought is to accept what is at the moment and do everything I can to keep things from getting worse. With that thought I am going to push myself to go back to getting more regular exercise.Stretching and sitting in front of my computer just doesn't qualify.

So I renewed my membership in a local fitness room and I will soon be off to keep my promise to myself to keep moving. It is my attitude that counts after all.


Friday, October 13, 2017

Checking off the list

Yesterday I had a routine mammogram, which may be the last one for me. I haven't decided yet. In any case it will be the last one done by my favorite CGH technician who will retire in a few months. It made yesterday's appointment a little sad. To mark over twenty years of service I gave her one of my first published books, signed of course. I know she will enjoy the 30 stories in part two featuring the lives of local residents. I'm sure at least some of them might have been her patients.

Tomorrow I get to have the new experience of an open MRI to find out for sure what is going on with my lower back. I checked out the online site and watched the video and it doesn't look too intimidating. It only takes about 30 minutes. For some reason I keep picturing some of the contraptions I endured during radiation when I had cancer 28 years ago. I survived that so this should be nothing to worry about.The video said I could even watch a TV program during the procedure to help pass the time.

That reminds me of a surgery I had in 2011. I wasn't allowed to eat anything for almost two weeks. I kept watching the cooking programs during the afternoon. It was a great way to go on a diet!

The procedure I am really worried about is the possibility of an echo cardiogram and stress test, possibly next week, to make sure my heart is healthy. I know it's beating but that's not good enough for the new cardiologist I am seeing. In preparation for the test I just renewed my fitness room membership for another year so I will be able to use the treadmill. I have an exercise bike, but it hasn't been used much lately.

So that's the focus of my life for the present and near future. I'll let you know what happens.

Monday, October 9, 2017

Just for fun

Today I was thumbing through the pages of my first published  book, Wake Up! It is now out of print and only a few copies are still around. I found an excerpt that  was not only amusing but enlightening so I am going to share it just for fun.


On a beautiful September morning, after talking with a new friend, I had an urge to take a trip to a place I had never visited. I closed my eyes and felt a cool breeze pass by my face. I became weightless and seemed to move effortlessly through space and time.There was no up or down left or right, simply quiet space.

As I opened my eyes I saw I was on the softest of clouds in the middle of a magnificent intense blue sky. No other human was seen. I felt the presence of arms around me accompanied by a sense of powerful unconditional love. The air was clean and fresh and absent of earthly scents.

I was not afraid because I knew this was exactly where I was supposed to be at this moment in time. Away from the distractions of human life and the interpretations of other people. Free to decide for myself what I would do about the condition of my current life.

I found a comfortable place and took off my shoes, dipping my toes in the middle of the cloud. I lay on my stomach and rested my head on my arms. I thought about the goals and desires I had set up for myself and wondered aloud if it was the best I could do or was I cheating myself.

As I rolled over on my back I was startled by the appearance of my friend and soulmate who was staring at me. Had I wished him there or did he come of his own free will? He smiled an impish smile and sat down in front of me dangling his feet over the edge of the cloud, removing his hat.

I sat up and once again felt the overwhelming spiritual love between the two of us. I massaged the back of his neck and temples as he had once done for me. I tried to remove the stress of his needing to be in constant control of himself. He relaxed as the negative energy began to leave his body.

I had once been there so I knew how he felt. Letting go of anger and hurt allows freedom to tear down the wall and trust again.

A quiet voice whispered in my ear, "Do for him what he did for you".

With no hesitation I gently pushed him off the edge of my cloud. It was time for him to take care of himself by himself. His negative energy was interfering with my positive growth.

Wishing him only the best, I trust he will fondly remember the bond of spiritual love between us. He will need it when we meet again in this life or the next. I heard the word peace floating in the breeze and felt the wings of an angel transporting me back to earth as I opened my eyes and went on with my day.


Friday, October 6, 2017

Looking inside without a scalpel

Modern technology has provided many ways to see what is going on inside of the body without the use of a scalpel. I'm all for that! The last time a doctor used a scalpel on my body I ended up being held a prisoner in our local hospital for two weeks.

I am actually pretty healthy for a person of my age as I  look around and compare what I know with what I see. Even the specialist I saw yesterday pointed that out to me. Since I will soon be 80 and feel like 60 I just need to keep on top of things that come up. This month is going to be an "electronic" test month with a couple of experiences that are brand new to me.

Because my blood pressure and pulse readings have been up and down lately I was sent to a cardiologist to see if my heart was working right. Since I had never been to one in my life I was a bit nervous, which I am sure made my BP higher than it should have been when the nurse took it.

When I heard a knock on the door a doctor entered. I was surprised to note that he was African American, which was also a new experience for me. As it turned out he seemed very knowledgeable about his chosen field and answered all of my questions. He did seem a bit nervous as he kept clipping and unclipping my papers on his clipboard and looking down instead of at me when he was talking. Oh well, I decided he just wasn't a people person and he focused more on his surgery skills. He discussed the findings of the EKG that had been done and noted it showed my heart has an extra beat now and then. I've known that for a couple of years. He said the beat is not coming from a normal place in the heart.

Admitting I was nervous, he stated that when a person first sees a cardiologist he/she is either admitted to the hospital or further tests are done. I'm writing my blog from my home computer! If he gets insurance approval I will be having a stress echo cardiogram soon to determine if my heart is healthy. If it is I will probably need to take a more appropriate blood pressure medication to keep things balanced. I'm voting for that approach. Everyone with me? Thank you!

Before I leave Dr. Woods I would like to pass on something he told me."The number one killer of older people is not cancer it is a heart attack. We need more cardiologists. It's easier to treat heart problems than to treat a person who has had a heart attack."

Now on to my next electronic no scalpel test. I am scheduled for a routine mammagraham next week with a technician who has been doing mine for twenty years. I do not expect anything unusual to show up.

Next Saturday I am also scheduled for an upright spinal MRI.. This one is also a new test that I am grateful is being offered. I have no desire to be encased in a closed machine for 45 minutes thank you. I had a CT scan about a year ago that showed I have spinal stenosis and the MRI will be a better diagnostic tool to pinpoint exactly where the problem is for future treatment. So far it is just something I know I have and is not causing too many problems. Apparently we all have to have something wrong as we get older!

I know this seems like a lot to deal with in a short time, but I am trying really hard to be positive and not worry about it. At least nobody is going to use a scalpel on my body. Been there done that and don't want to do it again. These are all non-invasive tests. I need to keep that in mind. I also found a great reminder on Facebook this morning. "When I'm worried It's usually because I'm trying to do everything myself. When I'm at peace, it's usually because I remember that God is in control."


Sunday, October 1, 2017

A path to the past

Sometimes things happen that just make me shake my head in wonder. Something caused me to go to an old jewelry box today and look inside. The first thing I pulled out was a very old bracelet etched with the head of an Eskimo. I knew it had been engraved by my great uncle but I always thought he had made it for me. I have had it for years, but don't know how or why. Sort of like the huge family Bible that once belonged to my great grandmother, Clarissa, in Belgium. Why me?

Along with the bracelet I picked up another old piece of jewelry. It was a child's necklace containing a picture of my maternal grandfather William Johnston (1886-1918). That piece I knew had belonged to my mother, but how or why I have it I do not know.

Oh back to the Eskimo bracelet. I had never noticed that on the back was the name and address of my paternal grandmother, Beatrix Halverson (1884-1957).

The picture is a bit fuzzy, but you get the idea. Now I have to figure out what these two people, one on each side of my family tree, are trying to tell me .I will probably never know why I have the family history items.Oh and to add to this I also have my  grandmother's Hummel collection that she treasured all of her adult life.

Why me? I don't really know, but it is a lot like a path to the past. Possibly it is because someone knew I would never sell them.


October is here and with it comes the beautiful fall colors and a bit of a chill in the air. It also reminds me of all the spirit photos I have taken over the last fifteen years or so. I know they are not mine to keep they are meant to be shared with others, especially those who do not believe. I refuse to call these images ghosts. They are spirits who chose to have their pictures taken so that I could share them.
A puppy.

 A cone head. Looks like my mother, sorry mom.

Flying angels.

Happy Halloween everyone!

Saturday, September 30, 2017

A voce from the past

Sometimes it's interesting to go back and see what I was up to in my former life as a blog writer. Having some extra time today I flipped through some old blog posts, noticing that one in particular kept popping up in my feed with several comments from readers I had not seen before. First I replied to the comments, even though the commenters may never see it. I have always been aware that I have many unknown readers. I reread the blog in question titled, A Very Special Soul Connection and decided to share it again to see what would happen. So here goes for your reading pleasure. It was first written on 1/14/2013. There will be an author's note at the end.

I'm beginning this post with a quote I recently found, "Miracles happen when fear is replaced by love". Sometimes you just have to say what you have to say and let the chips fall where they will. Today I want to talk about soulmate connections.

At one time I believed that a person only has one soulmate. I was wrong. We have many soulmates who come into our lives at various points. They are often present to help us deal with a serious problem, offer moral support in times of crisis or simply to encourage us to move past where we are and grow. They are sometimes close relatives, but most often are friends. It was once explained to me that these souls were the closest to us when we were first created. They come back life after life in different roles, as we all do. During my life I have had many soulmate experiences and I value them all.

Moving on up between earth and the angels we find the very special connection of souls who were created as twin flame soulmates. They are said to be two halves of a whole. That doesn't mean that they are running around with only half a body/mind. That would be pretty silly. It means they are as closely connected as two souls can be. If you think of it in terms of human twins created in the same sac in the same womb it makes sense. For the most part they both have all the body parts necessary to live a human life on their own.

It is rare that twin flame soulmates live a human life at the same time. When this happens the energy  cannot be ignored. Even though they lead separate lives, have different opinions, a different purpose in being alive etc., there is something very special that they posses that sets them apart from all other soulmate relationships. That very special something is their humongous love connection. Again it has nothing to do with body parts of any kind. Well, okay with the exception of the heart.

These beings, when perfectly connected, often use telepathy to communicate. They have no need for electronic devices of any kind. They are able o read each other's minds with no effort at all. I personally believe that this unique ability is to aid in some kind of universal assignment that they are to carry out while on earth. I could be wrong, of course, It's just a guess based on my own experience.

Well my dear readers the reason I chose this subject to write about today is because I firmly believe that I may have connected with my twin soulmate. The current connection began about three years ago (2009) and has escalated to the point where I can no longer be deterred from my original belief. Perhaps both souls needed time to grow. What will happen next is yet to be determined and I am quite aware that the outcome is not entirely in my hands.

I will leave you with the thought I began with, "Miracles happen when fear is replaced by love".

Author's note: It has been four years and ten months since I wrote this post and even though we do still communicate- sort of, the person I believe to be my twin soulmate still does not feel/see what I do. Perhaps there is still some growing to do or perhaps it will never happen in this lifetime. What will be will be.


Thursday, September 28, 2017

And then came the rain

Just when I was bragging about our great weather here in Grants, NM the sky opened up and it started to rain. Okay it didn't rain for 40 days and 40 nights, but it did get everything soaked for two days. We did need the rain because it will keep potential wild fires at bay.

Last night we found a puddle of water in the middle of my office floor. Not seeing any evidence of a leak anywhere we temporarily blamed the dog. After all he had been in the house all day because of the weather. So I cleaned it up and didn't think anymore about it.

This morning my bathroom floor was all wet and I first thought the toilet had overflowed. Nope. The problem was a small leak in the ceiling. After adding a bucket to catch the water and cleaning up the mess I wondered into my office where I found a new puddle. After checking the ceiling I found the source. Since I had recently paid a so called repairman to check out the condition of the roof I was more than a little angry.

There really was no point in getting angry, it was what it was. Then I thought of all those pictures I had seen of people in Puerto Rico and Texas walking around in water up to their waist. They didn't have leaks in their roofs to deal with, they didn't even have roofs over their heads.

Knowing it is unusual for us to get so much rain in a couple of days I sent up a silent prayer for it to stop. Just maybe we could squeak by this winter and deal with the problem next spring. In the meantime I can do some research on a new roof and see what I can afford.

No more rain please!

P.S. I did apologize to my dog, Ejay this morning. 

Saturday, September 23, 2017

By any other name

Who are you anyway?

Perhaps it's enough when going back generations just to get a first name and a relationship and forget the rest. I wonder if God remembers everyone's whole name or do we just go by a first name or possibly a number?

I just realized my new great granddaughter is being referred to as baby Juliet by her parents. This morning I found out her middle name is Lynn. I guess a middle name really doesn't make her any more whole.

Women get a bad break on the name game. Just as soon as they marry their last name changes. That is unless they are a celebrity. Then they get to keep the name they were born with whatever their gender. I remember when I began writing a column for our local paper. I refused to refer to women I was interviewing by their last name. For instance, Gunn said. I always added a Miss, Mrs.or Ms. or simply used their first name.To me it was disrespectful not to. If they were married their last name was only borrowed anyway.

In my case I'm no longer an original. I began life as Barbara Loure` Halverson, which changed to Barbara Smith in 1959 and again to Barbara Gunn in 1972. Where did I go? 

I have been tying to sort out my relatives and I am about ready to give up. I keep asking myself, by any other name are you still you?

Monday, September 18, 2017

Juliet and Irma

Last week was more than a little scary for my grandson and his wife. They were waiting for the birth of their first child and they were also waiting to see what hurricane Irma was going to do to their home on the east coast of Georgia. The due date was very close and they were afraid the hospital would be forced to close. There was no gas available and many businesses were closed.

My grandson said they had food, water and a generator and were going to wait out the storm.

I recalled that last year they had to postpone their wedding because of hurricane Matthew. The were forced to evacuate and had to change the place of their nuptials.They eventually managed to get everything under control and settled down to being married.

It wasn't long before they found out they were going to be parents and the baby was a girl.

Then came Irma and the birth of their daughter and my newest great granddaughter. I am very happy to introduce Juliet to my readers, born September 13th, 2017 weighing 9 lbs. 8oz. May she have a blessed life.

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

One life to live

One of the biggest lessons I have had to learn in this lifetime is I have one life to live- mine. I have always had a tendency to get sucked into other people's problems and challenges. Someone once advised me that I don't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. She was right.

It is more than alright to be compassionate and supportive of other people, but I am not responsible for their challenges or the way they handle them. I have found that getting too involved sucks the life out of my life and it interferes with my well being.

Recently my strong intuition encouraged me to check into my genealogy and I followed through with that push. Something came up that happened 100 years ago. For awhile a relative that popped up tried to convince me that the event changed my current life and for awhile I actually believed her.
Time went by and my intuition held up a stop sign.

I asked myself if a decision made 100 years ago had anything to do with my life today and my answer was no. It just felt wrong to change anything just because someone else thought it was right.

Several times I have had to cut people, who at first appeared to be friends, out of my life because they were trying to live my life for me. Some people call that having spiritual knowledge. I call it interference.

I have also been on the other side of that coin and it was a costly place to be. We all should have a chance to live our own life and make our own decisions right or wrong. Perhaps this experience that dated back100 years was a final lesson to learn that I only have one life to live- mine.



Sunday, September 10, 2017

My favorite childhood memory

One of my Facebook friends posted a question yesterday that caught my attention. It was, what is your favorite childhood memory? Not having a very happy childhood it took me some time before I came up with the answer, doing things with my grandmother.

Her reply was, "I can feel your love for her".

My maternal grandmother and step-grandfather were the people who taught me my values. I had a great deal of respect for both of them. My grandmother, better known as Nana was the person who taught me the Lord's Prayer, made sure I had piano and dance lessons and generally made me feel special. My younger brother and I spent many summers under her roof. I remember confiding to her things I would never have told my mother. She was never critical and always validated my feelings even when they were silly.

I loved helping her cook. Perhaps she was the one who woke up my enjoyment of trying new recipes. I especially remember her rhubarb pies and applesauce. Even today when I am peeling hard boiled eggs I can hear her saying, "Don't crack them too much or you won't be able to get the shell off". Another one of her admonishments was, "You don't hate anyone".

She always had flowers in her yard, especially roses, which today are my favorite flowers. My grandfather always brought her a cut rose every morning that they bloomed. Perhaps that's where I learned that one rose says so much more than an entire armful.

One particular memory when I was young stands out in my mind. She had written a bunch of checks to pay bills and asked me to go with her as she drove around town dropping them off. I got to hold on to them and hand her whatever one she needed. I felt like her secretary that day.

Another one that stands out was when she was installed as the presiding officer in the Order of Eastern Star. My mother had made her formal and she also made a matching one for me. I was probably around 8-10 years old. The dresses had a ton of lavender lazy daisy flowers made from yarn, hand tacked to the skirts. I assume my grandmother made them because she was always knitting or crocheting. I felt very important that day as she introduced me and the rest of her family. Her love of Masonic organizations led me to later become a member and much later a presiding officer of the Order of Rainbow for Girls and Job's Daughters. I believe it made her poud that I carried on the tradition.

It looks as if I was right. My favorite childhood memory is doing things with my grandmother. Even though she left this place called earth in 1984 I still feel close to her spirit. I wouldn't be at all surprised if she is one of my guides.

Saturday, September 9, 2017

A failed experiment

I am very grateful that I have a primary care person who is on my side of health issues. We just completed an experiment that failed. I am sharing my experience in case someone else may have this issue.

Back in May I had an attack of gout. Never had it before and still am not sure what caused it. Since then I have had blood tests and found that the uric acid is very high. Gout is caused when the body produces too much and it causes crystals to form in places like the toes, which is what happened in my case.

I began paying more attention to my diet and added yogurt, which is supposed to help. I also added vitamins B12 and C. In researching I noticed that taking a water pill for high blood pressure can also cause gout. After a second blood test showing the uric acid level was still high I decided to eliminate the water pill from my blood pressure medication to see what would happen.

I was aware that a change in medication would take awhile for the body to adjust so I was prepared, I thought. During the following 9 days I kept a record of what it was doing. The readings went crazy and reached a dangerous level. I checked in with my primary care person and we had no choice but to put the water pill back in. I took the medication for the first time this morning and the reading was much better. I know it's going to take a couple of days to get it back to what is normal for me, but it is heading in the right direction.

Ben said, " I am more concerned with your blood pressure then the fact that you could have a gout attack once or twice a year." I totally agree with him. It's been four months since I had the attack so I am not terribly worried that it will come back. If it does at least now I know what is happening and I have medication I can take right away to stop it.

This is the story of my experience and I hope it helps someone.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Happy 16th birthday Colin

My youngest grandson will be 16 on Friday. Today I was thinking about some of the unusual gifts I have given him. The first one that came to my mind was a large roll of bubble wrap. He loved the gift but his parents made him go outside to pop it. Have no clue why.

Last year for Christmas I gave him the little dinosaur ladles used for soup etc. In addition I found some unusual soup bowls. They had a place along the side of the bowl to put crackers or a cut sandwich. This gift included a selection of crackers and several cans of soup. Chicken noodle has always been his favorite.

This year being his 16th birthday I wanted to come up with something that none of his friends would probably have. I happened to see a website to name a star and have it registered. I mentioned it to him a few weeks ago to see if he was interested. He was and tonight we are getting together to order it. The name of the star will probably be Colin Chace. So if you see it floating around in the galaxy say hi to my grandson for me and wish him a happy birthday.

Sunday, September 3, 2017

The journey home

August 31, Labor Day weekend 1979, was an interesting time in my life. It was the weekend I brought home my youngest child and my only girl. Christina Marie was born in Albuquerque, NM at Presbyterian Hospital at 4:45 P.M.

When one of the Laguna Reservation Nuns was told her name she said, "Oh you named her after Christ Mary". Wrong! Her first name Christina was for a  Swedish princess who became a queen at a very young age. A maternal great grandfather Godfrey Halverson was born in Sweden. Marie was for her Spanish paternal grandmother Marie (Mary) Milan and her French maternal great grandmother Laura Marie Laviolette . So she ended up being a mixture of several generations.

The Labor Day weekend in 1979 began very early on Friday morning with a trip to Presbyterian Hospital almost 100 miles away from Old Laguna where we lived at the time. My husband, Donald was working a night shift at the mines, my due date had passed and the doctor decided since we lived so far away  it would be a good idea to start labor. Her actual birth took most of the day and her father was present in the delivery room. His first comment upon holding her was, "She has fingernails".

Because I didn't live in Albuquerque I was not released until Sunday, as a precaution. My doctor had a very busy weekend with way too many babies to deliver. I can still see him, exhausted, sitting in my room waiting  to release me. Even though I was over 40 the birth and recovery went very well. I had an amniocentesis early in the pregnancy so I knew she was a girl before she arrived. I had already named her. That test was very stressful because the cells had to grow a second time, causing me to have to wait for the results for about four months.

Leaving the hospital we began the trip home. On the way we stopped off at the Catholic church to introduce Christina to Father Bill, the Pastor. I remember lifting her out the passenger window and putting her into his arms for a blessing. The surprised look on his face was hilarious.

The next stop was home. We were met by her paternal grandfather, Wally and I allowed him to carry her into the house and lay her in her crib. I noticed a very large bear that my son David, who was 13 at the time, had purchased and placed in the crib. We ended up naming it using the Spanish word for water. (I know the word I just can't spell it!) My other son Jeffrey 18 was in the Army at the time and didn't meet Christina for several months.

Well that's the story of the journey home

Saturday, September 2, 2017

How did you get here?

Birth used to be a fairly simple matter, but not anymore. Now a female doesn't even need to touch a male and a baby is created from a sperm bank. Surrogates are everywhere. Healthy grandmothers can now give birth to a grandchild. Then there is adoption at birth, which can create all kinds of problems for not only the child but his/her entire family. An adoption can either be open or closed. I have had experiences with both.

As a columnist for the Cibola Beacon I interviewed a new mother whose first child was adopted through an agency. The adoption was open and the very young birth mother was allowed to keep tabs on the child through the years. She was given access to photos etc.and even had occasional visits. I'm not sure if this was a good thing or a bad thing, but it was the way this family chose to deal with the situation.

In my family there are at least two instances of a child being adopted. Both times there was no information given to the child about the birth. In both cases the families are looking for biological relatives.

Another unusual situation was my deceased daughter-in-law who found out as a teenager that her birth parents were really her aunt and uncle. She said it was devastating for her.

When a child is given up for adoption it creates three points of view. 1.the birth mother, 2.the adoptive mother and 3.the child.

Personally I think adoption should be open to the child if he/she desires to know the circumstances of the birth. It's really nobody else's business and the rest of the family should just butt out.

Friday, September 1, 2017

Math has never been my thing

Math was my worst subject in high school. Lately I have had a problem deciding whether to add or subtract. I finally decided to subtract and it's making my life less stressful.

For years I have known that my grandparents had a son not too long after my mother was born. He showed up on some information a couple of years ago. The child had no name, which I thought was rather odd. That created questions that have puzzled me for some time. Did he die in childbirth or maybe he was given up for adoption for some reason?

I have not only found out he was indeed adopted, but I know his adopted name and have information about his life and new family as he grew up. He died in 1998. For awhile last night I thought that was cool until my brain began working. I even put his adopted name on my family tree as my mother's brother for a few hours.

I have not been able to discover why the baby was adopted, but it must have been a mutual decision between my grandparents. One of my maternal cousins had said that she didn't know anything about the "Mysterious baby". She suggested it was no doubt a family secret.

After thinking about that statement from my cousin, Ruth, I have chosen to delete his name from my family tree and my life. Choosing to honor my grandparent's decision to keep the information a secret is the right thing to do. Perhaps the information was meant just for me and the decision to add or subtract it from my current life was mine alone.

Monday, August 28, 2017

The question has been answered

A couple of paternal first cousins have finally shown up, even though they are deceased, so my family tree stays exactly as it was printed. The only exception will be to add more names to both sides.

The end.

Thursday, August 24, 2017

and the truth shall set us free

For all those readers who have been following my posts (I'm not sure who you are) you might like to know that I got my DNA results back yesterday. To review for those who are not regular readers, I have had doubts that the man I was told was my father was actually my biological father. The reason for that doubt is that my mother had a problem telling the truth. Everyone is deceased so it only matters to me and I can't fix the past.

First I would like to share something about DNA that I was not aware of until recently. We do not inherit equal amounts of DNA from each parent, thus siblings may have a different mixture. This explains to me why my brother looked pretty much like his father. He inherited more of his DNA and I inherited more of our mother's.

Now for the father question. As Scandinavia, which includes Sweden, showed up as 17% ethnicity it appears that my father was my biological father after all. It looks like more than half of my DNA came from my maternal side of the family. This doesn't surprise me because I have always felt more French and Scottish than Swedish & English.

So there you have it in case you are interested. The funny part is that when my parents were married back in 1937 my mother used a last name that was not hers. She used the same name on my birth certificate. Why I will never know, but a friend pointed out an interesting fact. My father was my biological father but he was not legally my  mother's husband, even though they lived as such for thirty years before he died. Something that makes this even funnier is that my mother hated his last name of Halverson.

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Personal stuff

A post just floated by on my Facebook newsfeed that caught my attention. It actually annoyed me so I decided it might make an interesting blog post. The post was written by a mature male who is about to get married, probably not for the first time. It read: Why air personal stuff on here unless attention grabbing?

People post personal "stuff" on social media for many reasons and I don't agree that it is for attention. There were two responses to his question. The first was, "Sometimes sharing what we are going through helps others to not feel alone." The second was, "Sometimes we need support from friends." I believe both are really good reasons for posting personal experiences.

This man is about to get married so I assume he has someone to talk to about whatever might be causing him stress. Not everyone is that fortunate and sometimes just need to get the stress out in the open. Yes, many times it is a call for feedback. What's wrong with that? That's what friends are for.

Ever since a friend asked me if I ever read what I write I have made it a point to do just that. I often go back and reread something I wrote years ago and end up thinking, wow that's really good. I believe quite often our soul mind blurts out things that it wants our human mind to rehash. I had a friend long ago who used to say "think about it". Perhaps sometimes it is simply a way to get it out of it's hiding place and into the universe so the help we seek can become available.

Those are my thoughts on the subject of posting personal stuff. I see no reason not to share.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

I want my house back

My oldest son who will be 57 on Christmas day has been living with me since June of 2014. He was having a difficult time in Colorado and I offered to give him a place to live. He finally had no choice but to accept my offer. It was a temporary offer that I did not mean to be for the rest of his life! Apparently I didn't make that clear because he is sill here and is having trouble remembering that this is my house not his, although he and my youngest grandson will inherit it someday.

He moved in with a truck load of stuff that was important to him. He took over my 20' by 20' addition, my guest bedroom and the guest bathroom. He also has his extras stored wall to wall in my large shed, making it useless to me and my needs. For all this space he is only giving me $300 month. I dare him to find a deal like that anywhere else.

In addition to the space he also has free use of my washer and dryer and enjoys dinner every night when he comes home from work, before he vanishes into his large computer room. A meaningful conversation consisting of more than a few words from him would be totally out of character.

Although he has had several raises at work he does not offer an increase in what he is giving me. When I mentioned that fact his response was, "do you work there?"

I have reminded him that all of my utilities have gone up since he moved in. And even though he does buy and cook some things over the weekends, so has my grocery bill. In his favor he does do some yard work etc.when the mood strikes him. 

Last night he mentioned that the faucet in his bathtub had been dripping for a few days. I asked why he hadn't told me sooner. His response was, "Then you would have had a bill for the plumber". He said he was planning to take care of it today. Hold on because the end of this one sided story is coming up!

When I checked things out I saw it wasn't a drip, the water was coming out in a steady stream. To make a long story short he went to the store to get some tools, attempted to fix the problem, made it worse and finally admitted it was beyond his ability. Really?! The end of that story is I have a call into my faithful plumber who always comes to my rescue, but since it is Sunday that won't be until Monday at least, which leaves us with no water for the rest of the day.

I woke up this morning already having a silent conversation with God and his angels about my situation. I don't want to make my son angry; after all he is the only one of my three adult children who even knows I exist. If the powers that be would find him a great job, let's say in Albuquerque, and he moved himself and all his belongings there wow I could get my house back.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017


My biggest pet peeve is not keeping your word. If you say you are going to do something- do it! Most of the last week has been spent waiting for a repairman to come and finish a job he started. I don't have a problem with his work but his ethics stink. If he ever finishes the job I have already paid him to do I'm not sure I will ever call him again. It isn't worth the stress of waiting and waiting and his excuses. The man also gets paid in cash because he claims to not have a bank account. I have yet to get a receipt for any supplies I have paid for. Could be more than ethics going on here!! Perhaps the State would like to know that Joe Eylicio works under the table.

Years ago a woman who doesn't even like me gave me the biggest compliment I have ever had. It pretty much sums up my life. She said, "You can always be counted on to keep your word. Even if later you change your mind, you always do what you said you would do."

Apparently age doesn't have anything to do with keeping your word. At the moment I am also very disappointed with a young man who promised to do some yard work for me. I intended to pay him, but so far he hasn't even bothered to contact me. It isn't the first time this has happened so apparently he has been brought up to believe keeping his word doesn't matter. It's a shame because he is a really good kid.

So this is what has occupied my time for the last week or two. I've been busy dealing with the ethics of other people. Yuck!

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Charity or simply begging?

In the last few months Go Fund Me has become very popular on Facebook. I know it was originally set up to help people with such things as medical expenses they could not handle. I have donated to accounts for friends in such circumstances. Living on social security I know that sometimes overwhelming things happen. I do not have a problem with the basic reason this organization was started, but I believe it has reached a ridicules level and is in danger of simply amounting to begging.

A little while ago a male Facebook friend of mine announced that he had just finished and is in the process of publishing a children's book. This person is also a talented fine art artist who sells some of his creations for several hundred dollars. In addition to that income he is a life coach and a retired minister. Oh and he also has close to 5,000 FB friends. Pondering how he is going to promote/sell his book, one of his friends suggested a Go Fund Me account to help with expenses. He responded, "That's the best idea yet."

My response to his response was, "What the hell!" Until I read that I had a great deal of respect for the man. Now I am close to deleting him as a friend.  Apparently he is not who I thought he was.

Granted his book could help children of all ages deal with fear, but expecting other people to pay for it is ridicules, in my opinion. I finished my book, Journey of an Enlightened Egotist, in 2010 and I am sure it could help a great deal of people. So far it is unpublished in the normal manner due to a lack of money. There is no way that I would expect my friends to dip into their pockets to pay for publishing and promotion. I would rather give it away, which I have done many times.

My question still hangs out there, is Go Fund Me charity or simply begging?

Thursday, August 3, 2017


Procrastination: a verb meaning to postpone or delay needlessly.

When a procrastinator is matched with a deterministic go getter the outcome is bound to cause angry vibes, which is pretty much what is going on in my house at the moment. My adult son is definitely a practiced procrastinator and it is driving me crazy.

Just for fun I googled the word and this is what I came up with. Popular synonyms are:protractis, defer, draw out, elongate, extend, prolong and I love this one, shilly shally.

When I start a project I expect to finish it in a reasonable length of time. I don't understand starting and stopping and never finishing. What's worse is not even feeling guilty.

Oh well everyone has their own road to travel and I am very happy mine is not procrastination.


Wednesday, August 2, 2017

One thing leads to another

This has been a crazy week and it's only Wednesday!

First the check engine light decided to go on in my car. Great here we go again! Monday morning I took the car to my new trusted mechanic business, not far from my house. After checking things out I was told it needed a fuel injector. This was probably the problem all the time, as it was intermittent.  I was then  told to bring the car back Tuesday morning for installation of the part, which I did. The person who owns this business has been a neighbor since 1980 and I was not aware it was his business until recently. I am extremely happy to have someone to depend on.

This person also has several houses that he refurbishes and rents. I have been in need of a repairman to take care of some problems so I asked for the name of someone who could help. As it turned out the person he recommended was standing a few feet from me. It is someone who has worked for him for fifteen years. We exchanged info and I waited for my car to be ready. It now runs great thank you very much.

Yesterday afternoon, Joe, the repairman stopped by my house to see what I needed. My most urgent need was a  roof problem which was causing a nasty problem with a small area in the guest bathroom ceiling. I hadn't expected him to do more than check it out, but he went right to work and within less than an hour the problem was no more. Good thing too because about five minutes after he finished the rain came pouring down.

Joe promised to come back when he had time and check out my roof. It has always had a problem because an addition had been put on about thirty some years ago which left a dip that collects water. This morning Joe checked things out, made a phone call to price supplies and I am now waiting for him to come back and start the job. I am so grateful to find a repairman I can depend on. He works fast, knows what he is doing and is reasonable. You can't beat that

All this good stuff happened because of a little check engine light that wouldn't stay out.

Sunday, July 30, 2017


This morning I woke up a little nervous, but ready for a once in a lifetime task. It is the day I will spit in a tube and get it ready to return to for my DNA results. Next I will have to wait 6-8 weeks to hear from them. Will the test confirm what I grew up believing or will it be something completely different? Only time will tell.

I was reminded this morning of a conversation I had years ago with my now deceased daughter-in-law. We were sitting in my kitchen when she announced out of the blue that when she was a teenager she found out the people she thought were her parents were actually her aunt and uncle. She said she had been devastated with the news at the time. I can only imagine how she felt. Wow what a blow!

The memory led me to ask myself what is a parent anyway? There is legal and there is biological. I'm not so sure that either title makes a parent.

My three adult children had two different fathers. One was a womanizing jerk and the other a workaholic/alcoholic. That didn't leave much time to be a father, except on paper. Both men are now deceased and life moves on.

What will be will be and what has been is no more, although it does leave footprints on the present.

P.S. I have to put a slightly funny spin on this post that tells me the DNA test is something I was supposed to do. I just finished reading a Kindle book titled, Spit of a Minute. Remembering that made me laugh this morning.

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Reading the fine print pays

Yesterday I received my current bill from my internet/phone company, which is Century Link. I noticed that I was in the 11th  month of my current promotion plan. I have learned from experience to read the entire bill. So this morning I called my provider and asked if they had a new plan to replace the one that was about to expire.

I connected with a very nice service representative by the name of Sarah who checked things out. For the last year I hadn't used my land phone to make long distance calls because there was a charge for them. I keep a trac phone up to date, partly for that purpose. It is also nice to have for emergencies when I am away from home. There were many times I would have preferred to use my land phone for business calls because I have better reception, but I didn't.

So after Sarah did some research she came up with a new three year promotion plan with no contract which comes with free unlimited long distance. Alright I'll take that as it was only 10 cents more per month than my current plan and I didn't have to mess with it for three years. Sounds good to me.

My internet service with Century Link is just fine, except for those spam emails, which aren't their fault. I could change my email address I suppose, but that would create more problems with contacts than I am willing to deal with. So every morning I tune in to see what's what and like a wizard with a magic wand I delete all of them.

I learned some time ago to read the fine print on bills because it saves me money. I like the sound of that!

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Just following my intuition

As I was finishing off the last stitches for the baby blanket I have been making, with the extra yarn, I gave some thought to what I was going to do with it. A thought popped into my mind that I hadn't thought before.Where did that come from I wondered? Was it pushed out from another realm?

The thought was: if a baby in need doesn't show up by the end of the year I am going to donate the blanket to Cibola General Hospital to be included in the gifts for the first baby born in 2018.

The thought continued to grow and put a smile on my face as I remembered all the items my grandmother made and donated to the Shrine Children's Hospital in Seattle, during her life. Even though she hasn't resided on earth since 1984 I'll bet that put a smile on her face too.

I know there are those who believe that once you leave earth that's it- you're just dead and won't be heard from again. I don't believe that. We are spirits and we do not die period! Strong relationships can and do go on forever.

So now I know where this little project is probably headed and I hope it will keep a little one extra warm this winter and a mother happy.

I recently purchased a little glass angel that can hold one flower. I searched around my house and found a small pink rose for her to hold. She sits on my desk and this morning I named her Anna. As I did that I realized she reminded me of my grandmother whom I called Nana. Roses are a meaningful flower as my grandfather brought her one from his garden, each morning that they bloomed.

Stuff happens when I follow my intuition!

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Where there is a will...

Perhaps I should have been an investigative reporter or was in a previous life.

Due to some poking around online and asking the right questions I finally discovered when and where the people listed as my parents on my birth certificate were married. That would be May 5, 1937, in Ketchikan, Alaska. That also would be 7 months before I was born, full term according to the doctor who delivered me. He/she should know- right?

Odd thing about that information is that my mother used the last name of her stepfather (who never adopted her) at both events. Oh what a tangled web we weave etc.etc.

Legally I suppose since those two people were married, no matter by what name they went by, that does make them my parents. I will still have to wait for the DNA results to see if both are my biological parents. My intuition is screaming that only applies to one of them. Of course, I could be wrong.

Friday, July 21, 2017

Family matters

Does it really make a difference who your biological family is/was. To me it does. For one thing I dislike people who lie. Honesty has always been a priority. My life began with many lies told by my mother, starting with the fact that I was premature. Not according to my birth certificate!

Since I was a young mother myself I have suspected that the man I grew up calling my father wasn't. I look nothing like his Swedish side of the family. On the other hand my younger brother looked like him. I have never had generic proof of my suspicions. Things have changed in the world and it is now possible to track one's DNA. It is something I have considered for some time, but hesitated to do.

French and Scottish ancestry has never been in question, as they are on my mother's side, but the rest? So this morning I decided to splurge on myself and order a DNA test. It could very well prove my suspicions correct- or not. I will see in a few weeks.

Some people might say "what difference does it make at my age?" I can't really explain that, but it does. I have always felt a little out of step. Perhaps being part of the wrong family could explain that. Maybe the DNA test will uncover relatives I didn't even know I had. I know my mother was married twice, but I can't find any record of her first husband. That's really odd I think.

In some ways it's funny that secrets buried for years can now be uncovered many years after people have left earth. Besides, there is that one entity who always knows the truth, so it doesn't pay to lie about family matters.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Just do it

This morning I was checking out some leftover yarn to see what's what. I noticed a large skein of white baby yarn left over from the baby blanket I made for my expected great granddaughter. I over estimated what I needed. I kept hearing my grandmother saying waste not want not.

I know I know but what am I supposed to do with this. I could make a bunch of baby beanies and give them to the hospital. No, I got worn out with those. Besides someone else could take over as I did from my friend, Marvine, when she moved to a nursing home in Texas. I miss that crazy lady a lot.

I don't know anyone expecting a baby anytime soon besides my granddaughter-in-law, but I kept being nudged to use the yarn to make another baby blanket. I long ago learned to follow my intuition because it is the voice of my soul. Soooo to make a short story even shorter that is exactly what I am doing.

Here is proof that my latest effort has begun. I think the baby it is meant for quite possibly hasn't even been conceived yet. I know it isn't mine- been there done that!!

Sunday, July 9, 2017

How hard is it to say thank you?

I don't know about you but I was raised to say thank you when someone does something nice for me. I wonder why the younger generation seems to be lacking in their ability to acknowledge an act of kindness.

A few weeks ago I sent one of my twin granddaughters a copy of an Amazon family tree that had taken me several years to complete. Even though she seems to only remember that she is Native American on her mother's side of her family there are two sides. I thought at some point she or her children might be interested in knowing who their paternal relatives were. I am really the only one still alive who could provide those names and where they were born. I had really expected some kind of acknowledgement, but I didn't get one.

Her brother, my oldest grandson, and his new wife are expecting their first child in September. After finding out that child is a girl I decided to crochet a baby blanket for her. Two weeks ago I sent it along with a couple of other gifts I thought were cute to her parents. I know it arrived because I tracked the package. Did I get a thank you note. Nope.

Several years ago I wrote a blog post as a tribute to my deceased daughter-in-law. The other twin chose not to understand the content and as a thank you her acknowledgement was a very nasty email informing me that she wanted nothing more to do with me The whole purpose of my blog post was to tell the world that her three children were the most important thing in her life. So far my granddaughter has kept her word and has not communicated since. Even though she didn't say thank you for my effort she did acknowledge it so I guess that was a step in the right direction, sort of.

Generally speaking it seems to me that today's children expect too much and believe they are entitled to whatever they desire.They don't take the time to think about the motive behind a gesture of kindness.

Oh well I guess things change and perhaps "thank you" have become outdated words. In my opinion it's part of what is wrong with the world today.  

Saturday, July 8, 2017

Writer's block

Writing about a writer's block is better than not writing at all.~Charles Bukowski

The scariest moment is always just before you start.~Stephen King

It's perfectly okay to write garbage as long as you edit brilliantly.~C.J.Cherrh

When I'm writing I write. And it's as if the muse is convinced that I'm serious and says, "Okay okay I'll come."~Maya Angelou

Those are the words of other writers. I'm not sure what my excuse is. Some days I realize I have been on a soap box and am not sure how to get off. I know I know, just step down. Easy for you to say, but I am writing about my real life in these posts and that's not as easy as you might think. I try to come up with fresh thoughts, but the old ones keep coming back. I used to have a muse that would help me out. I think he got bored and found a better job or else he decided that I didn't need him anymore. Either way I seem to have been left on my own.

I once had a friend who would write and write and never really say anything or he would promise to continue and never did. I don't make promises I have no intention of keeping. There are too many people around like that.

Perhaps my mind is just too busy worrying about things that probably will never happen. I'm really good at that!

Then there is the problem of so much negative energy around. I sometimes find it difficult to put a positive spin on things. I back off waiting for the energy to improve. Waiting never works either. What is going to happen is going to happen and I just have to learn to accept it.

Well those are my excuses and as I read over them I see they aren't very good, but they did fill up my current post, so they can't be all bad.

Have a nice day and I will catch you later- I promise!

Monday, July 3, 2017

Just let it be

We finished off replacing the floor in the last room, which is my bedroom, last night. Everything was put back where it is supposed to be with one exception. I couldn't hold the mirror for my dresser so my son could screw in the four screws. That sucker is heavy!

After several attempts I said, "Let's just leave it and I'll see if I can get someone to help in the morning." I put the drawers back in so I wouldn't trip over them in the middle of the night and let the problem be.

The rest of the room looks really good and I am very happy to get rid of 30+ year old carpet, which I am sure has been causing allergy problems.

This morning I again began thinking of who I could call to offer a pair of hands for probably five minutes. Being a holiday weekend I didn't want to bother anyone. I decided to give it one more shot and decided perhaps I was just tired last night and maybe had a little more energy this morning.

So the task began again.

After a little trial and error we realized that the bottom of the mirror would sit on the dresser and all I had to do was balance it so my son could locate the holes. Why couldn't we have noticed that last night I wonder? Perhaps my brain just needed to rest or perhaps my guardian angel popped in for a brief visit and offered a helping hand.

Not worrying so much and just letting things be is a lesson I am currently learning.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Memories from the past

Lately Facebook has given its participants the opportunity of re-posting memories from their past. As they are presented I can choose to re-share or not. Some of the things I originally posted are indeed worth a re-share, some not so much. With that in mind a couple of channeled poems from my E-book, Journey of an Enlightened Egotist,  just popped into my mind. So I am re-sharing.

Often tidbits come into our life that we file away for future use. The following prayer, said to have been channeled from the spirit Tobias (Old Testament book of Tobit) is a perfect example. The lesson I got from it is: it is OK to be different.

The Silent Prayer

In my heart I accept my perfect Being.
I accept that the joy I have intended is already in my life.
I accept that love I have prayed for is already within me. 
I accept that the peace I have asked for is already my reality.
I accept that the abundance I have sought already fills my life.

In my truth, I accept my perfect Being.
I take responsibility for my own creations.
And all things that are within my life.
I acknowledge the power of spirit that is within me.
And know that all things are as they should be.

In my wisdom, I accept my perfect Being.
My lessons have been carefully chosen by my self.
And now I walk through them in full experience.
My path takes me on a sacred journey with divine purpose.
My experiences become part of all that is.

In my knowingness, I accept my perfect Being.
In this moment, I sit in my golden chair.
And know that I Am an angel of light.
I look upon the golden tray- the gift of spirit.
And know that all of my desires already have been fulfilled.

In love for my self, I accept my perfect Being.
I cast no judgment or burdens upon my self.
I accept that everything in my past was given in love.
I accept that everything in this moment comes from love.
I accept that everything in my future will result in love.

In my Being, I accept my perfection.
And so it is.

And now a poem I wrote and believe was channeled from my own soul mind.

Pure Love

I will love you forever and ever
I will defend you against your enemies
I will support you when you are weak
I will cry with you when you are hurt
I will warn you when I see danger
I will teach you anything I know
I will listen quietly as you teach me
I will pray with you and  for you
I will hold you if you need comfort
I will feed you when you are hungry
I will help you live but will not live for you
I will respect your right to your freedom
I will love you forever.
Barbara Loure` Gunn 2000 


Saturday, June 24, 2017

A positive connection

I just finished a book titled Butterfly Dreams, whose main character I related to so very well. Of course, the details were nothing like my life, but the phobia this person had could have been mine. 

She had spent most of her adult life telling herself she had a life threatening problem. Every time she felt the least bit odd she talked herself into believing that was a sign that something horrible was about to happen to her. She went so far as to believe that she would have a heart attack and die. 

Although I don’t go quite that far, I have believed on more than one occasion that I would end up in the hospital or be alone with no help in sight.  I guess it goes along with a lifetime problem of abandonment issues. I am really not quite sure where that came from but it sucks. To believe that nobody cares is not a pleasant way to live a life.

I had trouble finishing this book after I saw myself in the story, but I did because I wanted to know how the story ended. She did finally connect with a man who actually did have a life threatening heart problem. He turned out to be a wonderful role model, teaching her to live each day to the fullest and ignore what her brain was telling her. Her fear was unfounded as every medical test she had proved there was nothing physically wrong with her.

I believe sometimes we grow up believing that we deserve the worst instead of the best the universe has to offer. The cause often begins with a negative parent, constantly fueling the flame. It sometimes takes a very strong positive person to convince us otherwise.

Apparently I haven’t connected with that person yet, but I am still here so perhaps there is time.