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Thursday, May 30, 2013

Making a list checking it twice

A couple of days ago someone posted a suggestion on facebook that spiritually aware souls are in the process of consciously connecting with other souls in their, for lack of a better word, group. I do believe that and have been feeling guidance to begin rounding them up. Last night I literally started making a list of people who I feel I have or had a spiritual connection with. Some were even deceased.

It turned out to be a rather interesting list and as I looked at it I began to put the names in pairs. I realized the lesson/message they had brought through their presence in my life was of a similar nature. I kept looking at the list and adding names. When I asked myself what the pairs had in common with each other I clearly saw that they were either positive or negative. Oddly, the positive pairs were at the top and the negative were at the bottom, with the exception of one pair of male names. They eventually didn't make the cut and ended up being added to the negative names.

I left the list sitting on my desk and went to bed. This morning I checked it again and made a separate list of only the names that I felt represented positive energy. What I did next surprised me as it had not been my original intention. I set a match to it, sending all that negative energy back into the universe and away from my soul. It worked like a magic wand setting me free from what had been pulling be back to finished business.

It is my current intention to keep adding names to my positive list until I have connected with all of my assigned group of souls.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

I could be a vampire

The thought came to me that in all the many years I have been residing on this planet called earth I have never known my blood type. My intuition is strongly telling me I need to know what that is. It's something everyone should know for goodness sake. Not knowing feels like there is a missing piece to my being floating around out there somewhere. Of course, I could be a vampire!

Yesterday I called the local hospital where I had surgery in the fall of 2011. I was told I had to come in with ID to prove who I am before they could look up the information and also sign a form. I could understand my needing to prove I was who I said I was so this morning I located the medical records office and complied with their  rules.

The personnel were much nicer in person than they had been on the phone. The first person pulled up my hospital record, but could not find the information she was looking for. The question of my missing blood type was turned over to another more learned person. Still not finding the information I was asked if I had ever had a transfusion. I said no. Then I was asked if I had ever given blood and I again said no, explaining that because I had previously had cancer in 1989 I didn't think I was supposed to. I had never really checked that out though. I was also told that if I had given blood I would know my type because it is typed with every donation.

At this point my surgeon's nurse walked into the room. She told me that unless a patient's surgery would be likely to require a blood transfusion typing was not done. Mine didn't so it wasn't. Also a patient's blood type usually does not appear on hospital records. While she was there I also asked about my cancer question regarding donating blood. Her answer was that she didn't think that mattered, but she wasn't entirely sure. Well alright then. Where does that leave me? Right back where I started from earlier this morning. No blood information leading me to wonder if I am a vampire after all.

So why is my intuition strongly telling me my blood type is something I need to know. I don't feel I am about to experience anything gory causing the information to be necessary for medical help. I could, I suppose, go to the doctor and have a blood test for typing done, which I would have to pay for. Perhaps
I am simply being pushed to donate blood the next time our area has a blood drive or at least find out if I can.

If I did end up donating blood, for the first time in my life, it would prove to the world that I am not a vampire after all and it might even help to save someone's life.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Tribute to a lost grandfather

On this Memorial Day I can't help thinking about my biological maternal grandfather, William Ott Johnston, who died at the end of World War 1.

Because of a war I was never allowed to know him. My mother lost her father when she was 10. Due to family circumstances, beyond her control or my current understanding, she was not allowed to talk about her father after his death. She grew up to be a very negative adult. She passed her negativity on to my brother and myself, which went on to affect our adult lives and even those of our children.

Until 2008 I never even knew my grandfather's name. I took on an impossible mission of obtaining that information. The fact that everyone who could have helped me was deceased simply made my task harder, but I was determined. All I had was a 1921 photo of my grandmother and my mother at age 10, displaying a Gold Star banner.

After a series of steps beginning with I was able to send for my mother's birth certificate, which gave me the name I was seeking. There he was, William Ott Johnston, born of Scottish decent in  1886. From there I obtained my grandparents marriage certificate. He was 22 and she 17 when they married. I had one more fact that had stuck in my memory from a source I do not remember. On the night of his death his spirit revealed himself to my grandmother to say goodbye. The next day when the military visited her she told them she already knew he had died. He must have loved her very much to have gone to such lengths to ease her pain. Today I question if my ability to occasionally communicate with spirits in another realm was inherited from one or both of them. Could be.

I was not satisfied just knowing my grandfather's name I wanted to know more about him. Because I now had his military ID # I downloaded a form and sent for his records, realizing that I am his oldest living next of kin.. I at least wanted to know where he is buried. My search came to a sudden end when the form came back with the explanation- "most of the records between 1912 and 1959 were destroyed in a 1973 fire at the National Personnel Records Center". 

It still makes me very sad that because of war my connection with my maternal grandfather was lost to me forever.  Because of what happened to my mother as a child I wonder how many more children will be left without parents as the result of senseless wars for power.

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Sisters by choice

I just found out a friend is headed for the hospital on Monday and will be going under the knife for a hernia operation on Tuesday morning. There are many things about this woman that I can relate to because of my own life experiences and it has caused us to become sisters by choice.

I recently discovered that she is a born writer and remembering my own path I have done everything I can to encourage her progress in that field. Like me she does not have the resources to promote what she writes, but I don't believe money is what our writing is about. She recently became a member of my writing group and it is providing the help she needed to believe in her natural talent to put the contents of her creative mind on paper for the benefit of others.

Although our life experiences have been different for the most part, we are going through similar experiences with our adult daughters, due to honestly sharing our thoughts about our situations. Both daughters have a recurring problem of choosing not to communicate with their mothers. Is it possible I wonder that we both hit the nail right on the head and the kiddies just don't see what we see?

My friend's upcoming surgery is bringing back memories that are causing me to have very compassionate feelings for her. In the fall of 2011 I spent two weeks in the very hospital that she will call home for a few days next week. I waited every day for my darling daughter to choose to at least make a phone call to let me know she cared if I lived or died. It never happened and it still hasn't. Neither my friend nor I heard from our daughters this past Mother's Day, apparently they were too busy with celebrations of their own motherhood.

Even though my friend claims it doesn't matter, her face clearly tells me she is lying. It is the reason I am going to do everything I can to make her hospital stay as pleasant as possible so she knows someone cares. I do not have a biological sister, but I have a sister by choice and she is a very special lady.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Fun in the sun

I spent the morning watching the 4th-5th grade track and field event for my grandson's school. I believe I have attended every year since he was in pre-K.

Colin is a born athlete, but what makes it fun for me is watching how he interacts with his classmates. He constantly amazes me and makes me so proud that I was the one chosen to be his grandmother. It doesn't matter if the child is a boy or girl he shares a special brand of himself just for that particular kid.

Don't get me wrong he is not perfect and gets into plenty of trouble. Just ask his mother! He is also very sensitive and has a gift of understanding and accepting spiritual concepts well above his age. I encourage this every chance I am given.

At one point this morning he was going to follow a friend and was told no by his teacher. His reaction made me very proud of him. He stopped where he was and simply accepted what he had been told. Respect is the first step to getting along with others.

Of course, my little man did very well this morning. Even though he is small for his age his classmates know he will run faster than anyone. It is a given and it always makes me smile. I think he just sees himself running across the finish line first and he does.

This morning he and I were talking about his soccer team, which has their last game of the season tonight. It has been an unusual season. His team has five players who had never played before and they have lost every game. Colin has made every goal except one for his team. This morning he said he wasn't upset because in his words, "We are learning to play as a team." That's a pretty savvy kid for 11!

I am not in the least worried about what this very special child will do as he gets older. He is off to a good start and I am happy I can call him my grandson.

Finishing his long jump and winning the 100 meter race. Not bad for a short kid!

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Responding to devastation

This morning I have been thinking a lot about the recent tragedies that have caused so much devastation and taken so many lives. My question is why? What is going on in the world today?

I'm sure many people blame God for causing so much pain. I don't think the Creator caused any of it to happen. I believe he/she/it simply allowed it to happen; but believing that I am still asking, why? Is it possible the universal devastation that has occurred and is occurring is meant to bring us together?

Because of knowledge I have accepted in recent years I believe that we humans agree to the experiences and lessons we are to work on, before we were conceived. Of course, all the details are not for us to know. I realize that not everyone believes this. It does put a different slant on things. It means that what happens during our life is exactly what is supposed to happen for our evolvement and there is nobody to blame when things seem to go wrong. 

All of my life there has been wars of some sort. I remember as a high school student having bomb drills along with fire drills. We were forced to squish ourselves under our desks. Although it was uncomfortable, I don't recall any fear involved. It was simply an inconvenience and a way to disrupt our work. I also remember times when my own children had to evacuate their school because some sick person had made a call saying an explosive device was going to go off. Again I don't think there was any real fear, but nobody was willing to take a chance on it being a bluff.

It's a whole different ball game today and I think part of the reason is the media. Almost instantly, when something happens the media starts in showing photos- over and over until I personally just want to scream shut up! It doesn't matter if it is a natural disaster like a tornado, hurricane, flood, fire, earthquake or some deranged person shooting up a school or crowd of event spectators. The media brings it right there in our living room.

Another thing that has changed is the recent focus on the first responders; those individuals who immediately step in to assist in whatever way they can. Perhaps that is the reason for all of this devastation; to give people a chance to care and share their universal love for their fellow brothers and sisters. A wake up call for us to remember we are one. God/Source does work in mysterious ways after all.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Should I or shouldn't I?

This morning I am trying to make up my mind as to whether or not I am willing to become a CASA volunteer. After 4 hours of training last night, that I was told would be 3, my intuition is leaning toward no. Today there is another 10 hours of training, which I was told was going to be eight. It will be followed by another 8 hours on Sunday.

I have volunteered all of my adult life while my peers had paid jobs with benefits like health insurance. I am asking myself if I am some kind of idiot who doesn't put any value on my time? 

Upon graduating from high school the advice I was given by my mother was, "Unless you want a career you don't need to go to college." At that time I didn't so I got married and raised three children with little help from their fathers, who were mostly involved with their personal addictions.

Now at 75 I am divorced, live alone on Social Security, owe no one anything, have little contact with my family, already volunteer at two facilities and am facing the question should I or shouldn't I jump into yet another volunteer job.

I have never been associated with a group that is expecting so much from a volunteer. The amount of information that is expected to be digested is overwhelming. The local program seems to be run by paid people who haven't been trained yet either. Take me to your leader is a joke!

I have a little over an hour before this morning's torture begins. I am giving myself until our lunch break to make a final decision. I know that my life is on the verge of some kind of change. Perhaps it is simply to put me first and learn to flatly say NO this is not for me. I'll let you know later.

Part two

I was wrong. My decision didn't take until lunch after all. It only took the time to drive from my house to the CASA office where the training was taking place, about 10 minutes. I had been thinking about the situation as I drove.

I walked into the room placing my manual on the table. I said hello and faced the person who would be my supervisor. The first words out of my mouth were, "This does not feel comfortable." After a brief exchange, I turned to leave the room. The training facilitator commented, "Are you mad and leaving?" My response was, "I'm not mad just leaving." ...and I did.

Remembering how I felt when I left the office last night helped me to make my decision. I felt drained. I realized that this whole program, although aimed at trying to benefit abused children, really involved dealing with negative energy on a regular basis. It was about fighting the system, from the CYFD (Children Youth and Family Division) case worker, family members, lawyers right up to the judge involved in each case.

No way am I going to bring this much negative energy into my current life. Not for any amount of money and certainly not as a volunteer! Perhaps this little experience was all about standing up for what is best for me for a change. What a concept!


Friday, May 17, 2013

Appointment with death

Yesterday could have been my last day on earth, except that it wasn't and I am still here.

Last night I decided to go to town to do an errand. As I was driving down the road a car coming the opposite direction suddenly headed right for my car. At first I thought it was some smart ass teenager attempting to play chicken, but he kept coming. I swerved to the right, driving onto a grassy area on the side of the road; avoiding being hit head on by inches. As I looked in my rear view mirror the car kept going and ended its journey right side up in a ditch. The driver must have either been drunk or on drugs.

My first reaction was to gratefully thank whatever entity was responsible for my quick action. I knew it wasn't just me that had avoided a potential appointment with death.

For the rest of the evening it was difficult to keep the vision of that oncoming car out of my mind.  Lately I have been doubting the existence of anyone who really cares if I live or not. After expressing sincere gratitude for help my next thought was, "I guess someone does care after all."

Coming back from exercising this morning I checked out the area where the almost collision took place. I realized that if it had been a few feet further up the road I would have run into a cement barrier, trying to avoid the oncoming car. That chilling fact added drama to the experience.

I have been playing with the thought that since I am still alive there must be something important I am here for. I have also decided to stop wasting time on people who are dragging me down and seek only those who are a positive match. It's time to start writing a new book and put all the negative chapters behind me.

Obviously there is still time before I am meant to keep my appointment with death.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Self doubt

Recently I mentioned that I  have been asked to be a CASA volunteer (Court Appointed Special Advocate for children). I was flattered to be considered for this program. The more I thought about it the more I realized that because of my life experiences it was a really good fit. In the simplest terms the volunteer connects with (appointed by a judge) an abused child and gives that child and his/her welfare a voice in the court system.

Although never physically abused, I have had a lifetime of emotionally abusive relationships. Some of them were and are from family members and friends whom I believed cared about my welfare. I now realize that allowing others to become emotionally abusive is a negative habit left over from my childhood. Unfortunately, as a child, I had no one to stand up for my welfare and speak for me. As a result I faced the big wide world as a high school graduate with very low self-esteem. It led to all kinds of bad decisions that just kept reinforcing self doubt.

It has only been in the last few years that I have found the courage through trial and error to correct this bad habit. I have discarded some really nice people from my life, who because they are extremely controlling individuals, were trying to live my life through their values and ideas.

A couple of days ago I picked up the manual for CASA in preparation for the training that will take place over this coming weekend. As I began reading the material we will be focusing on I was overwhelmed by the amount of information we will be expected to digest. Self doubt began to lift its ugly head. I have a high school education with a bit of college tossed in. I began asking myself if my life experience will be enough. Is caring deeply about others, because of what I have lived through, going to make a difference in an abused child's life.

I still am not sure of the answer but I have decided that since God/Source has placed me in this position it would be rude not to accept the opportunity I have been offered to find out. By the time the extensive training is over on Sunday I will have the answer I am seeking and will either will be or not be a CASA volunteer. 

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Then and now

Back in 1961 I officially became eligible to celebrate Mother's Day for the first time. Today looking at the results of my efforts I wonder why my three children have such a different view of their childhood than I do. All the sacrificing so that they could have the best went out the window; all they remember are the times I broke the rules, according to their view, of what perfect mothers are supposed to be.

All I can say to my three is that if you could have walked in my shoes and dealt with the problems I was given, in addition to being a mother, your view of my mothering would sound quite different. Mothers do not come with a book of instructions and as a matter of fact neither do their children.

I did the best that I could under the circumstances.

On this Mother's Day my children consist of my two cats, Ebony and Smokey and my recently adopted dog, Ejay. All they require is food, water and a little attention. I don't have to give up anything for them and they are very grateful for what I do give them.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Universal prompts

This has been an interesting day of receiving universal prompts. It could have something to do with yesterday's post about finding my voice after a 19 year journey. I omitted answering the question- what am I supposed to do now that I found it? The universe has an annoying way of prompting unanswered questions like that.

First thing this morning I clicked on a favorite hymn, Hear I am Lord, to accompany me while I did some stretching exercises. The song is left over from my past experience as a Catholic. There are words in the hymn that have always stuck in my mind.

Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I hear you calling in the night
I will go Lord if you lead me
I will hold your people in my heart.

Next I wrote some checks for bills, one of which was for my cable company. For some reason it reminded me to ask why I was not getting the music channels anymore. When I did I was told to bring in the cable box and they would replace it. Following their suggestion gave me a better picture, but still no music. I was tempted to just let it go until I realized I was paying for something I wasn't getting. A technician will address the problem on Friday with no charge to me.

Checking on Facebook brought me to a friend's new blog post. He had written a wonderful post comparing music with the energy patterns our thoughts send out. His blog, Bob's Unblocked Mind, can be found to the right on my blog list, if you would like to check it out. He is a very inspirational writer.

My next prompt was a beautiful photo of two humming birds who appeared to be singing to each other.

Moving on, another friend had posted a meaningful quote from Plato. It was, "Music is the movement of sound to reach the soul for the education of its virtue."

About this time I was thinking maybe my universal message was about music, which made little sense as I don't play an instrument and you really wouldn't want to hear me sing.

The last prompt (so far) was something I found while scrolling on Facebook.

 What do all these things have in common and what does that have to do with me?  As all of us have heard at one time or another during our life, "time to put on your thinking cap".

I've got it! ENERGY!!

Everything out there is energy; from the thoughts we think, the words we use, the songs we sing, the things we do and the things we choose not to do, it is all energy. What we put out is exactly what we get back.

I don't know about you, but I choose to use my energy for whatever good I can do while I still have the time.


Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Manifesting a (my) voice

Recently I have been following a site on Facebook that presents astrological facts in an easy to understand concept. It is This morning's post caused some interesting changes in my current life, which led me to fully grasp the fact that I have been working on "manifesting a (my) voice" for many years, without really understanding what I was doing.

Quoting the post, regarding the New Moon/Solar Eclipse which will occur on May 10, 2013: "Eclipses mark times of cosmic redirection and energy shifts. Something we've been working on, learning about or struggling with comes to an end at a lunar eclipse. This particular eclipse marks a fertile new beginning as it takes place in the astrological sign of manifestation. It marks the end of a 19-year cycle relating to issues of self worth and values."

The suggestion at the end of the article was to look back to May 1994 and see what was beginning to be manifested. Then ask was it manifested and if yes, what is your next step?

Here comes the fun part! I began trying to remember what I was doing way back in 1994, but somehow I stumbled over 2004. Math has never been my strong point. 19 years, that's a long time. Then I remembered I had been keeping a scrap book or sorts of important things that have happened in my life in recent years. You can imagine my amazement when I noted that the cover of the book read 1994-2011.

The very first thing in the book, after a brief bio, is a page sharing my very first published work as an author- yep it was published in the spring of 1994. I wasn't quite prepared for that little flash from the past. I began flipping through the very full book, reminding me of all the milestones I have lived through. One of the first things I did, was to get the book up to date, squeezing in another 6 pages. When I had finished I saw a person before me who was born to express their self through writing and community service.

Until the spring of 1994 I lived my life through others; I was a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a grandmother and a friend/acquaintance. I was always attached to someone else and found it safer to hide behind those people. I never gave myself a chance to just be me all by myself and quite frankly nobody ever pushed me to find myself.

Apparently, someone consciously unknown to me, gave me the push/shove I needed to begin the journey of manifesting my voice. Until then, few including me, had ever cared to take the time to really see me or hear my voice. For those people I have the following message:


Thursday, May 2, 2013

Sharing the fun

Today I am sharing a piece of work written by someone I am encouraging to get her thoughts out of her head and onto paper. This creative soul desires to remain anonymous for now.

I love to run around outside, playing with the cats.They would get mad at me, but I was just playing. I would run to the back fence saying hello to the friend next door. Mom would not let me go over there, so it was just hello. I would dig holes in the yard, I love to play in, but mom would cover them up, saying, "No do not dig holes." I don"t know why. I always run and say hello to the postman, but he never says hello to me. What is wrong with these people?

So I just play by myself. Sometimes someone would play ball with me. That is so much fun, only it doesn't last long enough. When mom had friends over I wanted to say hi to them. "No" mom said, "leave them alone." That is no fun. some would play ball with me, but they always stopped before I was ready to stop.

Oh what fun I could have if mom would let me, but she is the boss and I have to obey. I love you mom arf arf!


Wednesday, May 1, 2013

A conversation with God

me: I've got a person in my life that I have been trying to eliminate and I don't seem to be able to accomplish this task, will you  please help me?

God: Of course, describe this person for me.

me: He is 100% phony, rude, obnoxious, narcissistic, has no integrity or empathy, his actions never match his words, a control freak, unable to follow through with anything.

God: That's quite a list of character traits rolled up in one person. Is there anything positive you can add?

me: I'm thinking...

God: There are times that I put others on your path specifically to act as a mirror for you to see how far you have come on your journey. It looks to me as if this particular soul reflects my best piece of work, and by the way, yours too.

me:So what do you suggest I do now?

God: Dump him you have no further need of his assistance in this life. Just between you and me I'll see if I can clean up his soul in case you two are scheduled to meet again in the future.

me: Thank you for your enlightenment and have a great day!