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Saturday, June 30, 2012

Angry energy

My last post on my healing journey was partly right and partly wrong. Anger is the underlying pattern of my life and I need to change course. What a waste of perfectly good energy.

As I said I am not angry that I manifested physical ailments during my life that could have caused my death. That part of the equation was correct. The anger came when what I created didn't render the results I had anticipated, namely producing someone who actually cared about me. I really picked some strong characters to fill the role of mother, father, husband and children. They all deserve an award for their performances.

Now then, although I can clearly see that anger has followed me all the days of my life and is at least partly responsible for my current pain I am not sure what the next step is. I have been reminded recently that energy is energy. It is neither positive nor negative. That concept is a little hard for me to grasp at the moment. It is sort of like that old chicken commercial that said "parts is parts". It all comes from the same place.

I know the first step in stopping any addiction is to acknowledge its presence. A few years ago a book titled The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie came into my hands. Perhaps I should go back to following the daily meditations. I just opened the book and it fell open to July 1. Guess that's my clue. The last words for today, June 30, are "God help me remember that during times of transition, my faith and my self are being strengthened."

Truer words were never spoken. Transition is exactly where I am and on the days when I take a step backwards it causes me to hang on to the pain of the past. I am picturing a huge bucket filled with all the anger I have stored up over the years and I am wondering what to do with it. It wouldn't be fair to dump it out into the universe and cause it to spill onto innocent bystanders. That resembles what happens in wars.

Oddly when I look inside there is nothing there. Is it possible the angry energy was simply a very potent figment of my imagination? I'll look at that concept for awhile and get back to you later. Meanwhile check to see what is inside of your bucket.  


Thursday, June 28, 2012

On the road to change

If you are interested you are welcome to follow along on my journey to good health. If you get bored simply find someone else to follow or better yet find your own road.

My physical pain is decreasing as the days roll on. The last couple of days it has been hanging around to finish teaching the lesson it was manifested to bring to me. Remember I said it was a red flag meant to force me to focus on myself. When red flags come in the form of PAIN that can not be silenced with medication it is hard to ignore them.

This morning I woke with so little pain I thought my mind was in the wrong body. I looked in my mirror and confirmed  yep it was me alright. After breakfast I dressed and got ready to go to our family center to walk. I hadn't done much of that lately because it was painful. It was highly suggested by my current healer in chief, James, that I just do it. Easy for him to say!

As soon as I sat down in my car the familiar joint pain raised its ugly head. My first reaction was, "Stop it I don't deserve this!"

Then I got angry and noticed that I had tensed all the muscles from my left foot to my rib cage, holding my breath in rage. Of course, the pain got worse until I let go and started breathing. Yesterday I had found a small pillow just the right size and shape to place behind my upper rib cage while driving. After I put it in place the pain lessened. I then did drive to the center and walked for about 20 minutes. I have decided that every minute I  walk is better than not walking at all. There is no need to compare it to what I was able to walk say 3 weeks ago. The situation is not the same.

I do know that what you resist persists, but knowing something and applying it to my life are two different things. Later this morning I started thinking about that simple statement. Another thing James suggested was to look for psychological patterns that come up. Good advice James. Every time I have pain I get angry and start thinking about all the money I have spent in recent months trying to find the cause and eliminate the pain. What happens? The pain gets worse.

Wait a minute here another thought just popped up out of the blue. Does that have something to do with a life time of control issues? I'll bet it does. When things don't go as I think they should I get angry. If I could just learn to accept that this is the way it is this moment on this day and do whatever I can to make it better, there is a really good chance that there would be no further need for the pain.

This is today's realization on my road to healing. My next stop today is my acupuncturist, Elene, who is second in line, right below the chief healer, on my journey.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Life in a nutshell

Recently I wrote a blog post saying that I now have people. The following is the result of my partnership with this wonderful group of healing individuals. I couldn't have done it without you Lisa, Elene, James and Raphael. The following is the result of waking up and finding the real me for real this time.

I feel that sexuality is the key and the reason for my current pain. I think we all pretty much agree that I wrongly blamed myself at a very young age for my parents having to get married, which I believe set up a life long pattern of taking responsibility for everyone else.

When I started thinking about me at age 5 I sensed my hands covering my ears in an attempt to block out my parents abuse to each other. I am thinking the parallel lives that just came up were my mother and father and my second husband and me. Both men had an alcohol problem. I blocked out my father's until after he died of cirrhosis at age 54. I was 30.

I believe I manifested mastoid surgery at age 6 to get much needed attention from parents. Then I went on to panic attacks and endometrial cancer to get much needed attention from my then alcoholic husband. Then came my recent blocked bowel/scar tissue to get attention from my estranged daughter. None of it worked. What a waste of time, pain and yes money.

Lately I have been dealing with excruciating pain in the pelvic/hip area keeping me from doing things I want to do. I'm thinking this time it was to get attention from myself. My body was sending up a red flag. It is interesting that except for the ear problem everything pretty much started in the pelvic area, the birth place of the child. It is time to end the pattern of self-abuse.

I have no problem believing that I caused , although subconsciously, all of the physical problems that led to three major surgeries. They were acts of a person desperately seeking love and wanting everyone to play nice. I am not angry that these things happened; rather I am in awe of the creative mind that manifested them, even though my human life could have ended on more than one occasion. Perhaps that is where the protective hands of my creator came into the picture.

What I will no longer take responsibility for is blaming myself for other people's crap. If you created the problem it belongs to you. This is my life in a nutshell from birth to now. Live and learn, I did.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

A lesson learned

I am always happy when I have the opportunity to teach my young grandson a life lesson. Isn't that what grandparents are for? I know that's what mine did for me.

Sunday I got a phone call with, "Grandma can you get me minutes for my Trac phone? I only have 3 minutes left and my mom said to ask you."

After briefly being annoyed because my daughter and her husband are financially in a much better position than I am right now, I told him I had a card that I was going to use for my phone, but I would give it to him. I purchased his phone several months ago so we could communicate and to teach him responsibility.

When he came to my house to pick up the phone card I asked, "What are you going to do to repay me"

I received silence and a slightly puzzled look from him so I suggested that he could help me with my weeds sometime during the next week. He agreed and came last night with a friend who lives in the neighborhood. A flash of Tom Sawyer popped up in my vision. I knew I wasn't going to get a whole lot of work from these two, but it was the idea that counted.

I reminded the friend that he had volunteered to help with the weeds so I wasn't going to pay him for that, but I agreed to give him a little money if they would also wash my car.

For $3, popsicles and a couple bottles of water I got some weeds taken care of and a clean car. Cheap labor you say- come on they are 10! Even though the friend offered to share his monetary payment with my grandson, Colin told him to keep it.

This morning I was thinking how proud I was of him for understanding the situation and not complaining. I gave him a dollar to buy a snack at our family center where he spends his summer days. I also told him I was very proud of him for how he had acted. He gave me a hug, the best payment of all!

I think everyone benefited from the lesson.

Sunday, June 17, 2012


Happy Father's Day

Well dad it has been 45 years since you left earth this time around. A lot has happened in my life since then.  It is sad that because you chose to marry a woman who definitely dominated your marriage your role as a parent was somewhat diminished. Everything happens for a reason and I guess that was just the way it was supposed to be.

The nicest memory I have of you occurred when I was around six. We had just been informed that I was going to have mastoid surgery to take care of an ear infection I had been induing for several days. I was allowed to stay home until midnight before being admitted to the hospital. Being the cook in the family you told me I could have anything I wanted for dinner. I chose my very favorite,  small fried fish called smelt, which I loved. I don't remember what kind of food I had in the hospital, but I still remember my last meal.

Other memories are of the doll house you constructed for me one Christmas, brushing my hair and the time I had a bad sunburn and you lovingly applied lotion to my back. The funniest memory I have is when you jumped off the diving board at the lake and our cocker spaniel Skippy, named because he resembled peanut butter, jumped off right behind you. As the years moved on you were the one who came to my house and taught me how to cook my first turkey. That could have been to prevent guests from getting sick!

It is unfortunate that as we get older our memories both good and bad fade and get distorted. I am sure you did many nice things for me while you were alive I just don't remember them; partly because negative memories tend to take up their space.

So on this special day I wish you a Happy Father's Day, wherever you are.

Barbara Loure`

Friday, June 15, 2012

I have people

My regular readers have no doubt noticed an absence in my writing. I have been dealing with some serious pain that has made it impossible to focus on writing. This is the second time in my adult life when after I have asked to be led to someone that can help it has happened. Now I have people who are working together to find the underlying cause of my pain and erase it. Yay for my people!

I have my wonderful Natural Therapeutic Specialist (massage therapist) Lisa, my acupuncturist Elene and recently added,  James whose specialty is his program Pattern Release Energetics. The last two I actually met in 2000 under completely different circumstances. Apparently there was a whole lot of spiritual learning I needed to do before their universal gifts would benefit me. Back then I probably could not have accepted healing based on energy. I certainly would not have bought the idea of distance healing.

One of my gifts is the ability to coordinate, which I am using to keep my people informed with what they each have found and are doing and of course, my reactions to the whole picture. We are making progress. Although my pain is still present it is much better and I see a light at the end of the tunnel. I am trying not to feel like a lab rat that the universe has been playing games with, but sometimes that thought does briefly pop into my mind. Oh well I am here to serve.

Today's post is not an excuse for my absence or a plea for sympathy. It is simply an effort to get you up to date. Now that I have people working together to bring back the healthy person I am meant to be I am sure I will be writing more often.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Who I Am

My writing group is in the process of sponsoring a writing contest for area kids in grades 3-6. Coming up with a topic they could all relate to was challenging. They all have one thing in common, they are kids growing up in Cibola County, NM. Any writer at some point has been given the advice, write about what you know. Combining these two facts led me to come up with "Who I Am" as the topic for the contest. The group thought it was perfect.This week our writing group decided it was only fair that we use this topic as our current writing challenge. The following is my offering of Who I Am. 

In the words of the Reba McIntyre song Survivor, "Who I am is who I want to be" and it took 74 years to get to that point. The first 70+ years were spent trying to be who everyone else thought I should be; enough already that isn't me.

As in the song, I am also a survivor, with my own unique experiences. I have survived three major surgeries, including one for cancer, marriage to two men with severe negative addictions, a forty year addiction of my own to nicotine, giving birth and raising three children and all the stress that these experiences created.

My current life began in Ketchikan, Alaska long before it was a state. It gradually moved along a path to Tacoma, Shelton, Olympia and Seattle, Washington, dipping south to Downey and Santa Ana, California before settling in Cibola County, New Mexico in 1976. These moves left me with no real place to call my hometown. My adopted hometown is Grants, NM. 

Creative genes have been very strong in my family for several generations and include: horticulture, photography, sketching, general crafts, cooking, sewing, needle point, knitting, crochet and scrap booking. At different times I dabbled in most of them until I found my niche in creative writing. Where this particular talent came from I have no idea., perhaps recessed genes from a past life or relative. I only know it is my passion and it makes me very happy, especially when what I write inspires others.

When I think of how my love for the written word has developed my mind goes back to the journalism class I took in high school. Not being one the the "in" crowd I was never given an opportunity to write for the school paper. Instead I was put in charge of accounting where I learned how to properly write and sign a check. Thinking of my teacher, Mr. Hall, causes me to wonder; if he could see me now would he realize what he overlooked back then?

Being overlooked was pretty much the story of my life no matter how much I tried to please others. That scenario continued until the day I realized that if I wanted people to believe in me I had to first believe in myself. Life experiences, lessons offered by others and personal efforts to find the person inside have unveiled the real me I always wanted to be.