Recently I wrote a blog post saying that I now have people. The following is the result of my partnership with this wonderful group of healing individuals. I couldn't have done it without you Lisa, Elene, James and Raphael. The following is the result of waking up and finding the real me for real this time.
I feel that sexuality is the key and the reason for my current pain. I think we all pretty much agree that I wrongly blamed myself at a very young age for my parents having to get married, which I believe set up a life long pattern of taking responsibility for everyone else.
When I started thinking about me at age 5 I sensed my hands covering my ears in an attempt to block out my parents abuse to each other. I am thinking the parallel lives that just came up were my mother and father and my second husband and me. Both men had an alcohol problem. I blocked out my father's until after he died of cirrhosis at age 54. I was 30.
I believe I manifested mastoid surgery at age 6 to get much needed attention from parents. Then I went on to panic attacks and endometrial cancer to get much needed attention from my then alcoholic husband. Then came my recent blocked bowel/scar tissue to get attention from my estranged daughter. None of it worked. What a waste of time, pain and yes money.
Lately I have been dealing with excruciating pain in the pelvic/hip area keeping me from doing things I want to do. I'm thinking this time it was to get attention from myself. My body was sending up a red flag. It is interesting that except for the ear problem everything pretty much started in the pelvic area, the birth place of the child. It is time to end the pattern of self-abuse.
I have no problem believing that I caused , although subconsciously, all of the physical problems that led to three major surgeries. They were acts of a person desperately seeking love and wanting everyone to play nice. I am not angry that these things happened; rather I am in awe of the creative mind that manifested them, even though my human life could have ended on more than one occasion. Perhaps that is where the protective hands of my creator came into the picture.
What I will no longer take responsibility for is blaming myself for other people's crap. If you created the problem it belongs to you. This is my life in a nutshell from birth to now. Live and learn, I did.