Stop blaming yourself

I need to get out of the habit of blaming myself when things go wrong. My latest example is my car. Since I got it back from installing a new radiator, spark plugs and a coil I have had serious problems starting it in the morning. I of course, thought it was my fault. I figured it was the way I was trying to start it.

I kept taking it back to the mechanic, he would check it and the only thing the diagnostic tool showed was it was missing. The car ran fine it just would not start on cold mornings.

After sitting at the repair shop for two hours this morning the tool finally said it was something called a map sensor. At last! Not only was I wrongly blaming myself, but I thought I was going crazy! My mechanic was happy that they finally figured out what the current problem is, and it wasn't me!

Hopefully the new part will come in the morning, the car will be fixed and this will be the end of my problems.

All this time I kept asking if the check engine sensor was malfunctioning because all it was saying was there was a miss fire. As it turned out I was right. It wasn't giving out the correct information until this morning.  

I really do need to stop blaming myself when things go wrong!

Good advice

In checking out advice to give your younger self I found these words: Be who you needed when you were younger. That's good advice for any age I think.

It seems to me everyone needs a best friend. Someone who will listen to them and not judge them. Someone who will offer advice when asked for it. Someone whom you can always go to in times of trouble or when struggles just get too much for you.

There are those who have had a best friend all their lives. That is something I have not been lucky enough to enjoy. Well, perhaps I have, just not in the way most people think about it.

I believe I have come to the conclusion that your best friend may be found by looking in your own mirror. It is impossible to hide the truth from that person you see. You can talk to that person and you will not get any back talk. Look the person in the eye and say anything you want. It can be practice for any conversation you might consider tough to have with anyone else.

That's my conclusion and I am sticking with it! You are your own best friend!  

What is with thank you?

I really do not understand what is so hard about the words thank you. I was brought to use them and do without even thinking. It is the right thing to do when someone does something nice for you. I have given gifts in recognition of other people's birthdays and at Christmas and not even received a nod of the head. A thank you is not why it was given, but it makes me wonder what the other person is thinking.

It also makes me wonder if I should keep on giving to them. I know that when a gift is given it belongs to the receiver, but good grief I do not think a simple acknowledgement is too much to expect.

                                                         

A good question

The current writing prompt in my writing group is, what would you tell your younger self. I believe one  of the most important things is to believe in yourself, no matter what anyone else tells you. So often we suffer all of our lives because of the opinions of others when we were young. We also blame ourselves for things that were never our responsibility in the first place. If that isn't bad enough we then pass it on to our children. How do I know this? It is the story of my life.

In doing some research I found a quote that also fits this prompt. It is: Collect experiences not possessions. It reminded me of when my mother died. It took ten days to go through what she had collected in her apartment. When I got home the first thing I did was get rid of things I no longer needed. My oldest son moved back home five years ago. When he moved in his belongings fit in a single moving van. Now I think it would take at least two to do the job. I know people who pay to store things they do not have room for. Who needs all that baggage?

Another bit of advice I would give my younger self is to appreciate everyone who comes into your life. We are all teachers and students and you never know what experience that next person will bring you. 

A small town

I had stopped by the repair shop to check out a minor problem with my car this morning. I struck up a conversation with a man standing at the counter. I mentioned that is was nice to live in a small town. After awhile he asked me, "Is your name Barbara?" I said yes and asked how he knew that. I often get this because I used to write a column for the local paper.

He said, "I knew you as Mrs. Gunn a long time ago." Then he mentioned the name of my second son, David. He finally said he went to high school with him.

I shared what I knew about my son with him, Including that he is now the grandfather of three. We went on to talk about neighbors of mine who he also knew. It was an interesting conversation.

It took me several hours after the meeting to remember who he was. At the time his name did sound familiar, but that was about all. Then I remembered that my son and a friend once did a makeover on him because they thought he was overweight etc.

What amazes me is that after 35 years he not only remembered me, but knew my first name. It is nice to live in a small town!

Three is company

For some time I have known that the entity I call Richard is my chief guide. I actually have three photographs with his image (his head) in them. The first one was taken in Ketchikan, Alaska when I was about two. The second one I took in about 2000. It is a cloud picture with several other spirits in it, including an image of my deceased grandmother in the corner. She looks as if she is sleeping. There is a male to the side and slightly to the back of Richard that I have never been quite sure of, until recently. I now believe it is my maternal grandfather. The third picture is of my grandson, playing in the local park when he was about two. Looking closely, I can see Richard in a flower bed, watching over my grandson.

Richard is, I believe, the entity who has always been in my life and when I began writing, became my partner. I often feel his presence when I have written something that I am especially proud of.

For some time I have felt the presence of the Archangel Raphael in my life. He is the entity I go to when I am having physical or mental challenges. He is the Master Healer and has never failed to help me when I ask.

Because of recent jostling of my brain I now feel that my grandfather, William is the third entity who has been appointed to help me evolve. He died about twenty years before I was born so I never had a chance to know him, but I have felt close to him since I have known of his existence. I believe that his job is to help me with relationship matters, especially those involving family.

Of course, I could be wrong about this whole thing, but I do not think so. Three is company!

New book

I just finished reading ,"The Little Ghost Girl", by Maggie Hartley. It is the story of an 11 year old girl who had been physically and mentally abused and ended up in foster care. It provided me with an education as to the challenges a foster care giver has to deal with on a daily basis. It also reminded me that it is possible for siblings living in the same household to develop different views of the happenings. I could also relate to the child's desperate need to feel validated and loved. Unless it is recognized it can affect an entire life.

I gave the book 5 stars and am happy to recommend it to readers. 

Technology

The technology that has been invented since I was born is amazing. I often say when I am having trouble with my computer or other device that I was not born in the right century. It is an excuse that few buy.

I remember the first time I viewed a TV program, as if it were yesterday. My family and I watched it through the window of an appliance store in our neighborhood. We eventually bought a set of our own. My father partially used it as a form of punishment. He would warn us not to turn it on when we got home from school if we had done something he considered unacceptable. Then he would feel the set when he came home to see if it was warm. Years later, as a young mother myself, I remember an addiction to soap operas like, "General Hospital" and "As the World Turns". Now I barley watch anything. Well alright, I do watch "Greys Anatomy" and "The Good Doctor" and specials and other stuff sometimes.

I also remember my daughter, who just turned 40, having a computer class in grade school. Wow how things change! I was introduced to my first computer about 20 years ago. All I did with it was play games. How sad! Over the years my computer and my skills have been upgraded quite a bit. I never play games anymore. I have written and published five inspirational books, created this blog in 2009 and have an online writing group. That's a long way from playing games.

Because of social media I have acquired friends from all over the world. I didn't even have to leave home. This would never have been possible without the invention of the computer. I am grateful that someone smarter than myself had the vision to believe in and improve technology during my lifetime. What a dull world it would have been without these inspiring individuals! 

 

You choose

I used to think I had to tell my side of the story to get the facts straight, but no more. No matter how hard I tried people tended to believe untruths made up by others. They couldn't take the time to ask why I may have acted in a certain way. I think there is only one entity who knows the truth and he/she is keeping quiet.

It makes a lot of sense to just let people believe what they choose to believe. When I am at peace with myself and know that I have done the best I could to help others be the best that they can be, that is all that is important.

Eyes to see

I got my yearly eye exam over with this morning. Thank God! It is something I dislike even more than a mammogram! Nothing has changed in the last year, which is a good thing.

I know I have cataracts, but they are small and are not growing. My optometrist said if he had 10 people in a row, all my age with cataracts, mine would be the best. That's good as I am not looking forward to anymore surgery anytime soon.

This yearly checkup really sucks! Because of my age it is required by the Motor Vehicle Dept. or they will suspend my license. It costs me $43 every year for the refraction charge, just to make someone in an office somewhere happy. My yearly license is free. Does that make sense to anyone?

I also had to run over to the bank to get the $43 in cash or it would have cost me another $6 to put it on my debit card. I'm glad my bank was just next door.

My next challenge this morning was to again stop by my auto repair shop because my check engine light came on again. Seriously?! After checking almost the entire car and finding nothing wrong, I was told to just drive it and if I noticed anything strange, give them a call. Apparently that requires a bit of faith. I can do that- I think!

Birth of a decade

We are almost to the end of another decade. This morning I am thinking back to this time in 1999. People were so concerned about what the year 2000 would bring. There were those who made things up just to stir things up. I remember my oldest son came to visit that weekend because he didn't know what was going to happen in Albuquerque. Not much happened as I recall. It is amazing what we allow our mind to believe.

Thinking back over the last decade has been interesting. My most important change is that I have become a really good writer. I have learned to take the prompts the universe has provided and go with it. I have become more spiritually minded and aware of unseen entities guiding my actions. I survived two surgeries and their recoveries and have done my best to deal with fluctuating blood pressure. As a result I am in pretty good health for my age. Because my oldest son moved back home five years ago I have learned to allow others to do their own thing.

I have no idea what experiences the next decade will bring. My oldest son will begin his military retirement and my youngest grandson will graduate from high school. These events will allow them both to make new decisions regarding their lives. As far as my life goes my aim is to stay healthy and continue to tap into the guidance I am receiving from unseen sources. 

Enlightenment

I just finished reading , "Raking Light from Ashes" by Relli Robinson. I found it difficult to get through. It is a true memoir. I had no idea what young children dealt with when their parents were murdered during the Holocaust. The book was an eye opener.

Missing person

Yesterday's post got me thinking about things I have written and perhaps published. It reminded me that a friend once told me to check my archives. Since that advice I do that every once in a while. This morning realizing that I had a hard copy of my latest Amazon Kindle book, What Now My Love? A Writer's Journey, I decided to check it out and remind myself of what is between the covers of this piece of work. As I began reading I spotted the following gem titled, "Missing Person", and was written in 2000 for the Cibola Beacon. I still wonder at my nerve to have it printed.

Missing Person

Dear Editor,
This is an appeal to the citizens of Grants and surrounding areas. Please return my first name. It is not Mrs. It was Barbara when I was born and I need it back. Donald Gunn, AKA Don or Donnie and I have been divorced since July 9, 1999.

I have lived in this town for 24 years, Know almost everyone and have two jobs in public relation fields. I would think, word of mouth being what it is, people would have noticed I am no longer married.

I would go to the top of Mt. Taylor and yell, "My name is not Mrs., but since my divorce I don't yell. I am a freestanding self-sufficient female only responsible for myself. Please, my name is Barbara, not Mrs.

(Note: Donald Gunn has been deceased since September 2016)

Step by step

A new friend helped me realize I need to find my next step. She is the published author of several books. One happens to be a Kindle book titled, "Re-Union". I am always curious about the writing style of other people, especially people I know, so I ordered it. I was not disappointed! I not only enjoyed the story, but noticed we have a similar writing style. I would call it "clean". We don't add unnecessary words to make a point. She soon emailed me and said she had ordered one of my Kindle books, "Journey of an Enlightened Egotist".  Thank you Marion Marchetto!

Just for fun I clicked on my computer version of my book and began reading it too. It had been several years since I had written it, but I remember a local book dealer saying my books are timeless. So I thought it would be fun to read it along with my friend.

I was having a problem reading the online version off my computer so I decided to purchase a Kindle copy, which made it much easier to read. I could not believe all the information my book offers between the covers. I just kept thinking, wow did I really write that? This book has been sitting wherever Kindle books sit for several years, without getting much attention. I began to think, it is too good to be sitting somewhere, gathering dust. Alright, that may be an exaggeration! It is not really sitting anywhere, except on my computer and now my Kindle.

My first two books (now out of print) were published through Publish America. I probably gave more away than were purchased because I did not have the money to promote them. With a Social Security income and living in a small town that is very difficult.

Something positive needs to be done to promote, "Journey of an Enlightened Egotist".  The first step starts here!

Not a coincidence

This morning offered an interesting experience. I picked up the friend I exercise with and we made the familiar trip to our local family center fitness room. Not long after we began exercising two men came in and one was instructed by the other to use one of the machines.

Always being nosy, I asked the instructor who he worked for. This led to an interesting conversation between the man and my friend, who has a daughter with a serious heart condition. It turned out the man used to work with her daughter at more than one facility.

The daughter recently received a Social Security denial letter for disability insurance because of her heart condition. Her primary care doctor stated she cannot work. Social Security disagrees and said her condition is not a reason for disability.

The man, who was the instructor, gave my friend the name of a disability lawyer who deals with situations like this. He is almost always successful.

Coincidence you say? I do not think so!  

Always believe

I met Shaunulee in early 2000. She was pregnant with her first child. She and her sister went to school with my daughter. Her mother was my daughter's seventh grade Social Studies teacher.

Soon after she gave birth I learned that this young woman had been diagnosed with cancer and did not intend to let it kill her. I sent her a note saying I thought she was a very brave young lady. I also gave her aunt a photograph I had taken containing spirits from another place, believing it might help the family deal with what I feared was in store for them.

Shaunulee very wisely lived every day she was given to the best of her ability. She died two years later, three weeks before her 23rd birthday, leaving her child behind to be raised by her bereaved mother and caring step-father.

Defying her doctor's warning that she was too sick, she made a trip with her family to Arizona to see her newly married sister's house. She died exactly where she wanted to be, surrounded by those most important to her.

After having a dream, depicting her transition from this wold to the next, I was guided to sketch what I was shown. She wore a flowing gown and was flanked by a male figure on her left and a female figure on her right, each wearing a robe and holding one of her hands. The sketch showed her with
a beautiful head of hair, which had previously been sacrificed as the result of cancer treatments.

After high school graduation she had attended beauty school. Her hair loss was very traumatic for her and she was forced to wear a hair piece during her last few months on earth. I believe including long hair in the sketch was God's way of telling those she left behind that she was completely healed.

Shortly after her funeral I made a business call to an office in Arizona. The woman I was talking to put down the phone to obtain information from another office. While waiting for her to return, I heard a voice on the line saying, "She is worried about me, there is no need."

I gave the message to Shaunulee's mother who gave me a sincere hug of thanks. I told her I did not understand my involvement with her daughter's spirit and she quietly replied, "I know."

In memory of Shaunulee Brito, 1979-2002. Her grave marker quietly offers the message, "Always Believe".

Waiting

Well my car was finally picked up and once again taken to the repair shop yesterday afternoon. Now I am waiting to find out why it refuses to start for me. It did start for the person who picked it up. I am beginning to think the universe is playing an early Halloween joke.

In a conversation I had with my mechanic this morning I was told he didn't think it was a fuel problem, but an electrical one. I told him I didn't want it back until whatever was wrong got fixed. I do not want to drive it into town and get stuck. I think I heard him laugh!

Still waiting. Maybe this is a lesson in patience. At least I'm saving on gas.

If at first you don't succeed

Last week my car spent some time in the repair shop getting a new radiator. I told the mechanic I had been having trouble starting it. He checked everything and deemed it fine. I picked the car up and did a couple of errands in town. The car started but sounded a bit odd. Coming home I parked the car in the garage and gave it no more thought until Saturday morning.

After many tries it refused to start. Then my son tried with no luck. He decided to check things out on the web since the repair shop is not opened on Saturday. He decided it might need a new fuel filter. It looked like a big deal to even find out where it was. Because we live in a small town he didn't think he could get a replacement without ordering one. He decided not to tackle the job.

This morning I got in touch with my mechanic. I told him about the problem and shared that my son thought it was the fuel filter. He informed me, " Your car does not have a fuel filter". Really?!

At the moment I am waiting for him to pick up the car that still refuses to start and begin again to discover what is wrong with it this time. I'm thinking it is good thing my son didn't tear the car apart looking for something that wasn't even there!

The Father

The following is an excerpt from my first published book, Wake Up! I thought it was a nice little tidbit for a Sunday afternoon.

The Father

I was asked what I thought God looked like. He probably looks a little like Santa without the red suit. I see him in white from his bearded head to his toes. Maybe gold and silver here and there for accent.

People get confused and think he looks like Jesus. God the father is much older and knows everything, even before it happens. He also sees everything, also before it happens.

We all have our own way of knowing God the father. Those who do not know him should try harder. Knowing without a doubt that we have an everlasting connection with him is the only thing we need to be happy. Sometimes it takes years of trial and error to grasp this simple fact. Once grasped, it is ours forever, and the next step is to help others.

We are all given special gifts o assist us and as much time as we need to learn to use them. We often deny their existence, fearing the unknown. When we trust God, use the gifts he has given us and meet his challenge to love, we must make him smile. God the father is like any parent, only bigger. He is the boss. he always was and he always will be, in my book.

I am concerned that those who are having problems with their religion are also tossing out God. Any religion is only an interpretation of creation. Our Creator exists alone and will continue to be, whatever man/woman believes. 

Life is simple when we accept a one on one connection with an entity greater than any other. The spirit of our Creator is everywhere. We only need to acknowledge it for magical moments to happen. They are called miracles and occur on a daily basis.

What is the message?

I’m trying to decide the message in recent events. Is there one? I’m sure. There always is. 

My car ended up completely empty of water and needed a new radiator. It reminded me of a few months ago when it was completely empty of oil and needed repairs. Both times it could have cost me a new car, which I really could not afford.

These situations caused me to think back on all of the unexpected expenses I have had to deal with in the last year or so. I managed to pay for them all without taking out a loan or asking anyone for help. How was that possible I wondered?

First, I believe the Universe is reminding me that I have someone who is watching out for me. I am not sure exactly who that entity is, but he/she does exist.

A good part of the equation is I do not live beyond my means and I make every effort to save what I can. Sometimes that goes a little too far and I forget to reward myself for good behavior. I need to stop that!

It seems young people have to have whatever they think they need and they have to have it right now. They can’t possibly wait until they can actually afford it. My daughter inherited some money several years ago and promptly bought a new car and a house. Eventually both were repossessed. I wonder if she learned anything from the experience.

Not long ago I thought I needed a part time job. Today I’m thinking, I don’t think so. Unless I can work from home whenever I choose to. I do not want the commitment of an outside job. Been there, done that and do not want to do it again. Not at my age.

I also have thought that I might like to move to a different house closer to town. I’ve even gone so far as to pick them out. As I look around at what I already have, due to recent renovations, I realize that isn’t something I need. I love my current house because I have gradually made it a home and it is exactly where I want to live.

Even though unexpected things happen I think the message is- I can handle it just fine.