A letter to my Creator

 I believe history repeats itself until we learn the lesson that was offered. For that reason I would like to share an excerpt from my published E-book, Journey of an Enlightened Egotist.

 

Dear God,

Remember me Father? When I was six you snatched me from an operating room, right under the nose of the surgeon who was attempting to save my life. He was not aware that at that moment my life was not totally in his hands.

As I sat cuddled in your lap, with my head on your chest, I felt loved and protected. You silently asked me if I wanted to stay with you or return to the life I had been assigned. You knew my answer before you asked the question because you created me with a loving heart, a sense of humor and enough tenacity to survive anything.

Sixty plus years later I am thinking maybe I should have asked some pertinent questions before blindly accepting the experiences planned for me. Perhaps that is why you had a big smile on your face as you gently returned me to earth.

I survived my childhood with a controlling mother who must have missed the class on building a child’s self-esteem. Perhaps she was just too busy with her own problems to notice mine.

I am grateful that you gave me wonderful grandparents who were positive role models. They taught me about honesty, keeping promises and caring about other people. Although they have been gone for many years their values live on to be taught to my own grandchildren.

As a teenager, I had no clue what I was supposed to do with my life. By 20 I had married the first man who asked me, not believing I had other choices. You tried to warn me. I did not listen and endured a 13 year, emotionally abusive, relationship with a self-centered womanizer.

Because I was fearful that I could not support our two sons by myself, I quickly married again.  This time to a dedicated alcoholic. I was so busy constructing my version of a family that I gave little thought to my own needs. Perhaps I was trying to make up for what I missed as a child. Again you tried to warn me and I did not listen.

I begged you for another child for six years before you granted my request, when I was forty. I consider my daughter to be a special gift from you to me. Raising her kept me young and a little off step with my peers.

The day finally came when I was forced to figure out what I was going to do without children to hide behind. Did I hear you chuckle as I desperately asked for help to get out of the hole I had dug for myself?

In answer to my plea I was touched by a spirit that changed me forever. It guided me to eliminate the negative energy controlling my life. I began writing and it opened the window of my mind and polished the love that had been tarnished by negativity since my birth.

I am aware that I have a very special relationship with you that never fails to provide enlightenment when I ask. Looking in the mirror I now see a strong person who is learning to stand alone and accept whatever happens as an opportunity to evolve my soul.

Do you remember me Father? I am no longer the little girl that you snatched from an operating room so many years ago.

Moving on

Alright I finished painting the ceiling. Yay!

The sheet rock installer did such a crappy job of removing the old ceiling that it scratched up the wall paint. Now I get to paint the walls too. Good thing I have enough paint left. I'm not looking forward to the job, but I have no choice.

First I have to wash the walls down. If I disappear for awhile you will know why.  

At last!

I'm sure you are all getting tired of hearing about my bathroom ceiling. You aren't alone. So am I!!

For the last couple of weeks my repair person has been thinking the leak problem was coming from the roof and kept adding sealant to fix what he thought was the problem. I had a different view as the ceiling kept leaking no matter what was done to the new roof. I finally told him I thought water was being trapped between the roof and the ceiling.

This morning his crew began tearing down the old ceiling and guess what? Water was being trapped between the roof and the ceiling and was being held in by a sheet of plastic. They poked a hole in the plastic and out came the water into a bucket that I produced.

How did I know that was the problem? I have no idea. I am not a contractor nor did I know about the plastic sheet holding the water in place. They said it had probably been like that for years. Wow!

Of course, the insulation needed to be replaced. For some forgotten reason I happened to have a roll of insulation in the shed. That was a weird coincidence!

Now that the water has dried the new ceiling can be installed. At last!

Shangrai-La

With all the natural disasters taking place in the country I often think that my little town of Grants, NM is a little like Shangrai-La, the fictional town in James Hilton's novel, Lost Horizon. We do not have flooding, tornadoes, earthquakes, hurricanes or record snowfall. Even when snow or rain is predicted it often takes a detour between Gallup and Albuquerque. It's almost like the mountain range protects us.

I have often sensed that this is an area of spiritual significance. It is mostly inhabited by residents of Native American and Spanish heritage.

When I first moved to Cibola County in 1976 my first question was, "Where is the grass?' Although it was once the carrot capital of the U.S. it is mostly covered by dirt and lava, from the eruption of Mt.Taylor, many years ago. At one time, uranium mining was the business to be in. It brought many outsiders into the area and changed the focus of the towns people.

Now the town is pretty much into the tourist trade. One of our biggest attractions is the annual quadathalon, up Mt.Taylor and back to town. It is now attracting racers from all over the world and takes place the first part of February. We also have several Indian tribes in the area and many historic sites to investigate.

Even if Grants, NM isn't really Shangrai-La it is the place I call home and I have no desire to move anywhere else, at least not at the moment. 

Caring

Yesterday I watched the Netflix movie, The Fundamentals of Caring. It is about a first time care giver for a young man confined to a wheelchair, due to an illness. I highly recommend the book! It stresses giving, but not too much. A lesson I should have learned in my life a long time ago.

The relationship has some very funny moments along with a bit of stress, just like life, even when you aren't confined to a wheelchair. 

Mercury, here we go again!

Before I even realized it mercury is in retrograde once again. Actually it's half way though the cycle. I am wondering if it could be responsible for the delays on getting my bathroom ceiling replaced. I suppose it's possible, but does it really matter what is responsible for the delay? What is just is.The work is supposed to be resumed in the morning so perhaps by tomorrow afternoon I will have a new ceiling, ready for me to paint. I am not looking forward to that job, but it will save me money if I do the painting myself.  It wouldn't be the first time that I have painted a ceiling in my home.

I have never been very upset when mercury does its thing. Just out of curiosity I looked it up to see what to do and what not to do during the journey. It seems it is a time for self focus, double checking appointments etc. and pretty much rethinking situations. I was already doing that so perhaps my guide, Richard, gave me a heads up in advance. I wouldn't be at all surprised. It seems lately I know things are going to happen before they do. That always freaks me out and I wonder, how did I know that? I did just see an article on empath gifts that made sense to me. A question I have been asking myself lately is, am I an empath? It is quite possible the answer is probably.

Friday I had a coffee date with a friend who I have known since 2011, when I had surgery at our local hospital. At the time she was working in the financial office and because of her direction she not only saved me money, but led me to make permanent changes in my Medicare coverage. It it were not for her advice I would be in a heap of financial trouble now. 

Mercury still has another eleven days to go so it will be interesting to see what is going to happen next.

Is anyone out there?

I have been writing this blog since November 2009 and today I am wondering if anyone is really out there. According to the stats It had 130 views yesterday. I did not even have one response. It is like giving away my ideas and experiences for free. I do not need to be encouraged to write, but damn it would be nice to know that someone is out there reading and benefiting from what I write!

My mother had a wonderful expression that I have shared on more than one occasion. It was: Do it or get off the pot!

Mona Lisa

I just watched a wonderful Netflix movie, Mona Lisa Smiles, starring Julia Roberts. I knew I was supposed to watch it, but I wasn't sure why. The movie took place in 1953, three years before I graduated from high school. It was about a female teacher who came to a college to change the lives of her female students. I believe her message was, women can do anything they want to and marriage is not necessarily the path they should take.

When I graduated from high school the wonderful message I received from my mother was, females do not need to go to college unless they want a career. I would not have listened to her if I had been given a wonderful teacher who believed in me. Perhaps I would not have felt that the only role for me was to be a wife and mother.

If I had not listened to my mother I might have become a writer years earlier. Today I know that is what I am meant to be.

What's with the weatherman?

I am beginning to think the Universe is trying to save me money. Every time my repair crew plans to finish the roof/ceiling work it either rains or snows. Seriously, I am getting tired of my bathroom ceiling being propped up so it won't collapse and finding water all over the floor. Enough already!

This morning as I looked out my window I saw flakes of snow falling from the sky. Not again!! I contacted my repairman and was informed he can't attend to the problem until everything is completely dry. I wonder what month that will be?

In the meantime I decided to go exercise before it snowed harder. Of course, there was nobody else at the family center. I had the machines all to myself once again. The thought, "You are only responsible for yourself", popped into my mind. I have a friend who was supposed to be joining me, but she was a no show again. As I looked up at a wall in the room I noticed a sign which read, "Live on the bright side of everything".

My bright side this morning was to honor the promise I had made to myself to exercise, no matter what the Universe has in store for me.

A couple hours after returning home I looked out my office window and it was a bright sunny day, with a very clear view of the mesa that I call my little mountain. Above it I saw an array of puffy white clouds. There was no trace of snow anywhere on the ground.

Strange isn't it, how a little bit of time can change our view?

In other words

I just saw something someone wrote on the Facebook site Empaths and Healing that not only got my attention, but fit like a well made glove. I hope the person won't mind my sharing it here.

"Sometimes I wish there was someone there for me, not out of woe is me, but hey you matter to me. I love to be there for others and will continue to be, but one day I hope I have someone there for me."

Those words are exactly the way I feel too. I believe the only thing I would add is, see me, see who I really am.

I was married for forty years to two different men whom I believe never ever saw who I am. I raised three children, who again, I believe never saw who I am. The children are now grown and living their own lives. Two of them never stop to ask, "hey mom is there anything you need?" Or even, "happy birthday or happy mother's day."

In other words, one can always hope for a change of direction. 

The best laid plans etc.

"The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry." That pretty much defines my day so far.

At 9:00 this morning I had expected a crew to knock on my door and begin tearing down my master bathroom ceiling in preparation for installing new sheet rock. I was ready, but the weatherman was not!

I had a message from my repairman that because it was raining they would have to wait until Wednesday to begin the job. The rain coming down would damage the sheet rock. That sounded a little strange because it is not raining inside my house. The problem was getting it to my house. Well I suppose there is more than one way of looking at the situation!

I had already removed everything from the bathroom to get ready for the project. My reaction was, crap! I began to put back the essentials I had removed. I also decided that as long as I was dressed I might as well go to town and exercise at the family center. A little rain was not going to hurt me or my car, which needed washing anyway.

Now I have to decide what to do with the rest of my day since the best laid plans for today went awry.

It's a small world after all

After I graduated from high school I made several trips to Victoria, Canada. The first time, I flew in a small plain from Seattle. The next time I took a boat trip on the Princess line. Although I didn't have a lot of money, I enjoyed the short vacations. On one of the trips I stayed in the ornate Empress hotel and took a ride on the tallyho, which is a horse drawn carriage. Viewing the beautiful gardens all around, it was like a little taste of what I thought England might be like. At one time I even corresponded with a young man whom I had met on one of my trips. For a time I even gave some thought to duo citizenship, but it was not meant to be.

About a year ago I did DNA testing trough Ancestry.com and discovered that more than one generation of my father's relatives were born in Nova Scotia, Canada. This was news to me. It did turn out to be interesting because I was recently accepted as a writer for the online magazine, Wheel of Life, which is published in Nova Scotia. My first article submission will appear in their spring addition, due to be available on March 21,2019.

Canada seems to be popping up more and more in my life recently, but I am not sure what that means. I have become addicted to the Hallmark TV series, When Calls the Heart, filmed in Canada and interestingly, I just acquired a new Facebook friend, who lives in, you guessed it- Canada!

It is a small world after all!

Lessons are everywhere

I was just watching the Netflix movie "Confirmation". I am not sure what it's about yet, but the opening scene brought back a memory from my past life. A young boy was in the confessional having a difficult time thinking of anything he had done in the last two weeks that would be considered a sin. The priest was getting very frustrated with the boy. It caused me to laugh when I remembered my first time in the same situation.

I had become Catholic as an adult because I thought it was expected of me. I had recently married a man who was a born Catholic but was not an active member of the church. I decided it was my job to fix that. It took me over twenty years to understand the fact that his problems were not mine. It also took me that long to realize that I did not belong in a Catholic congregation. I left both behind and I have really never been sorry.

The second thing that happened was something a member wrote as a post on my writing site, "Write On". The current prompt is: What's behind the door? When I wrote my post on the subject it was written from the position of being on the outside of the doors I wrote about. When this man wrote his post it reminded me a door opens both ways. There is a lesson there, I just need to think about it awhile longer.

Perhaps the lesson is that I no longer need to think of myself as being on the outside of any door, waiting for admittance. Maybe I have earned my wings and have not noticed because they are weightless.

Life is a garden

I have come to realize that life is much like a garden to be carefully tended.

Seeds are planted and they all receive the same amount of water and sun to assist in their growth. They do not all grow the same.

Some never even poke their heads above the soil. Others do, but  never reach maturity.

Then there are the ones that reach maturity and bloom for a single season.

The ones I like best are the seeds that grow strong and even though they may wither and wilt as time passes, they come back year after year to share their beauty and strength; helping us grow strong.

All together now

Social media is a really interesting place. It just eliminated another one of my biological family as another granddaughter blocked me. Since we haven't had conscious communication for several years the only thing that accomplished was that I will no longer be able to see pictures of my oldest great grandchildren. What that means is that I am released from buying and sending cards and gifts to them. I still exist, even though they will no longer hear from me, at the request of their mother.

I wonder what parents think they are doing when they make it impossible for their children to know their biological family? I believe it is a very self centered move. Perhaps someday their children will check out Ancestry.com and seeing my name, will remember the gifts and cards I did send before I was blocked from their lives.

Good job Elizabeth Marie! Watch out for karma, I think it has your name.

Happiness is

 I'm beginning this post with a message I found this morning from Maya Angelou.
My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive, and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor and some style.

What makes me happier than anything is writing and getting what is inside outside, and so I will.

Life changes and it is odd how a few months ago the things that I thought were making me unhappy are the very things that today are making me happy. Perhaps that’s called growth, a different perception or just plain waking up to reality.

Through divorce I have been on my own since 1999. I have done the best that I could to keep my house and property in good shape because I can’t afford to move. Besides, I like the neighborhood and the view of the mesa from my window makes me happy. It is like I have a personal little mountain right in front of my eyes.

In June 2014 my life changed. Due to no fault of his own my oldest son needed a place to live. I offered him that place. After he got a job he began paying rent. The extra money makes me happy and has allowed me to take care of some upgrades on my house. Replacing old carpets, a new leach line and a new roof have all been accomplished because of that extra money. The helping hands around the house and yard have also helped to make me happy.

Another benefit that makes me happy is the fact that my son shares my talent of cooking and trying out new recipes. He is also computer knowledgeable, which is a big help to any writer, especially one of my age! 

I admit there have been times in the last five years when I have wondered if I made a mistake in offering my son a place to live. Even though my house is big enough to allow both of us plenty of personal space. Today I believe it was a necessary step for me to learn to let go of control and allow another person just to be.

I am grateful that I listened to my intuition and allowed the universe to lead me to a happier place.