Dear Mother,
It has been 29 years since you left your body and I still
relive the last time I saw you, a few days before you took your final breath.
It appears I still carry the weight of not being able to say “I love you” as
your nurse suggested. Today I am thinking that if I had asked your step-father,
my husband and daughter to leave the room we probably could have had at least a
one way conversation. Perhaps the problem was also helped along because by then
you were in a coma and couldn’t have responded. If you remember we waited to
come until you felt it was time. In a sense you had the last word, which is not
surprising, since you were always in control of the family. A talent I carried
on until I discovered I no longer wanted the job. It appears my daughter has
taken over.
It is really difficult to say I love you to someone who was
critical of everything I did or said. I remember the last time you came to
visit. Everything I did from the way I made my bed to the way I raised my
daughter was wrong, according to you. Because of the way I was treated I
overprotected my daughter, which has caused a serious break in our relationship,
which may never be repaired.
Growing up I never felt loved by you. I never felt that you
even wanted to be a mother and that the reason you got married was my fault.
Your life long lie that I was premature was typical of the way you dealt with
facts. As another example; your last name was never Cole, even though it
appeared on my birth certificate as your maiden name. Oh, and full term also appeared plain as day. It causes me to wonder how many other details you
chose to lie about.
There were efforts that you made to do nice things. I keep
thinking of some of the clothes you made for me and the bride doll wardrobe you
created one Christmas. I really did appreciate it. Along those lines I remember
an experience during your brief stint as a Brownie leader. We were embroidering
scarves and you loudly criticized my work in front of the rest of the group.
Even though my first marriage was a big mistake you did not
come to the ceremony. If it wasn’t for Nana & Pappy I would have had no
family there. I also recall your insinuation that my son was part black because
of where his paternal grandmother was born. You also carried negative thoughts
against gay people and oh I almost forgot- nuns for crying out loud! Thank God
your prejudices did not carry through to my life. The crowning negative thought you offered
was,” never put anything in writing”. Again, thank God I didn’t listen, because
I became a very good writer.
To round things up I suppose I can now say I love you,
because you could have had an abortion and didn’t. If you had your life
probably would have been a lot different, but mine would not even exist.
From
this day forward the past is the past and I am letting it go.
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