I think I got on the wrong train. It doesn't seem to be going in a direction that my pocketbook can keep up with. Could it be the sign said trials when I thought it said trails?
Today was yet another expensive jog on my current journey. Most of the early part of the day a young heating tech by the name of Clinton tried to find out why the pilot light on my gas furnace kept blowing out. About 15 minutes after he would leave my house, with "it should work now", it would extinguish itself again. We finally decided rather than put several hundred dollars into a 35 year old furnace it would be smarter to buy a new one. Tomorrow it will be installed and at least I will have heat again. It's a good thing I have excellent credit!
Not to be outdone my car decided it needed a new battery last night. Why it had to pick this week to refuse to start I have no idea. It did have the good sense to pull its prank at a friends house. Her twin sons took me to get a replacement and even installed it for me. In the meantime their mother offered me a delicious Mexican dinner, complete with birthday cake, celebrating the twin's 17th birthday.
This afternoon a roofer came to check out my house damage from the snow. I should get an estimate in a day or two. He said he would try to keep it low. I'm not holding my breath! One thing I did learn from his visit was to knock off the icicles that form on the edge of the roof because they cause melting snow to go under the shingles instead of down to the ground. This in turn causes damage to the ceilings. Makes sense to me!
Tomorrow is the last day of January and I sure hope this train full of negative crap reaches the end of its route or simply dumps its load. I have had quite enough thank you very much!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Is anybody out there?
Things are going from bad to worse at my house in little ole Grants, New Mexico. On top of everything else I discovered this morning that the thermocouple I had put in my furnace a couple of weeks ago is no longer working and I have no heat. Being Sunday I can't get in touch with the company who installed the part. I am just going to have to deal with the cold until Monday morning.
I do have a portable electric heater, an electric blanket and a small gas wall heater in the addition to my house so I won't freeze to death. It has also warmed up a bit outside from last week. I have in the past gone without water for several days, but not heat for any length of time. I hope the company isn't going to try to charge me another $85 for a service call. Good luck collecting that people!
One thing I am grateful for is that I am not a homeless person wandering around in the elements trying to stay warm. Things can always be worse. Looking around and observing what others have been given to deal with proves that. Maybe I don't have family members who care about me and my problems, but I have plenty of friends that do. I am very grateful for those friends and for the positive energy they are directing toward me.
If somebody is out there listening and observing that energy cannot be ignored for long. I know some kind of help is on its way to turn things around.
I do have a portable electric heater, an electric blanket and a small gas wall heater in the addition to my house so I won't freeze to death. It has also warmed up a bit outside from last week. I have in the past gone without water for several days, but not heat for any length of time. I hope the company isn't going to try to charge me another $85 for a service call. Good luck collecting that people!
One thing I am grateful for is that I am not a homeless person wandering around in the elements trying to stay warm. Things can always be worse. Looking around and observing what others have been given to deal with proves that. Maybe I don't have family members who care about me and my problems, but I have plenty of friends that do. I am very grateful for those friends and for the positive energy they are directing toward me.
If somebody is out there listening and observing that energy cannot be ignored for long. I know some kind of help is on its way to turn things around.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Ask and let it be
Realizing I needed universal help for my current situation of snow damage to my roof/ceiling, I decided to check my copy of Angel's 101 by Doreen Virtue to see if there was an archangel who might be in tune with my needs. Scanning the information brought my attention to Archangel Ariel.
She has been known to produce "miraculous manifestations". I also checked out web images of this entity and found a photo portrayed as a "snow angel". How close does one need to get to the problem I thought. In the past I have had amazing results asking for help from other archangels, but never Ariel.
Wednesday night I printed out the photo, lit a candle, played a restful music video and had a quiet conversation with Archangel Ariel. I knew I had to truly believe in her angelic ability before the assistance I asked for would be granted. I thought I had done that as I placed the inspirational photo on my vision board and waited to see what would happen.
I knew she wasn't going to fly down with a backpack full of shingles and miraculously put a new roof on my house, but I believed she would lead me to the help I needed to solve my problem. Against advice from a friend I started a claim with my house insurance company and had every reason to believe it would be honored. Due to the sneaky wording in an exclusion clause I found out Friday that my problem was not covered.
At this point I freely admit that I was more than a little disappointed in my new guide. I briefly felt I had been betrayed because what I thought was going to happen did not. The only thing I could do at this point was call a couple of local contractors and get an estimate of repairing the damage. Figuring out how I was going to pay for it would have to come later. First I needed to know exactly what I was dealing with.
Looking at the photo of Archangel Ariel last night I thought about what I had asked for. I realized that just because the solution did not come about the way I thought it would didn't mean it wouldn't happen. There are many ways in which help could come. I had stopped believing in a miraculous manifestation and by doing so cut off the help I was seeking.
This morning I knew I needed to begin again and this time allow spirit to do her/his job in whatever manner she/he saw fit. In other words ask and let it be.
She has been known to produce "miraculous manifestations". I also checked out web images of this entity and found a photo portrayed as a "snow angel". How close does one need to get to the problem I thought. In the past I have had amazing results asking for help from other archangels, but never Ariel.
Wednesday night I printed out the photo, lit a candle, played a restful music video and had a quiet conversation with Archangel Ariel. I knew I had to truly believe in her angelic ability before the assistance I asked for would be granted. I thought I had done that as I placed the inspirational photo on my vision board and waited to see what would happen.
I knew she wasn't going to fly down with a backpack full of shingles and miraculously put a new roof on my house, but I believed she would lead me to the help I needed to solve my problem. Against advice from a friend I started a claim with my house insurance company and had every reason to believe it would be honored. Due to the sneaky wording in an exclusion clause I found out Friday that my problem was not covered.
At this point I freely admit that I was more than a little disappointed in my new guide. I briefly felt I had been betrayed because what I thought was going to happen did not. The only thing I could do at this point was call a couple of local contractors and get an estimate of repairing the damage. Figuring out how I was going to pay for it would have to come later. First I needed to know exactly what I was dealing with.
Looking at the photo of Archangel Ariel last night I thought about what I had asked for. I realized that just because the solution did not come about the way I thought it would didn't mean it wouldn't happen. There are many ways in which help could come. I had stopped believing in a miraculous manifestation and by doing so cut off the help I was seeking.
This morning I knew I needed to begin again and this time allow spirit to do her/his job in whatever manner she/he saw fit. In other words ask and let it be.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Who can you trust?
Yesterday I was told by a young lady sitting behind the desk in the Farmer's Insurance office that my claim, submitted to their subsidiary Foremost Insurance office, for damage to my roof and ceiling from our recent snow storms would be honored. At the very least I expected a reasonable repair job at the most I thought I might get a new roof. I was also told an adjuster would be in contact that day.
I was happy with the news and merrily went home and took some pictures of the damage for future reference. The master bathroom is in the worst shape, followed by the second bathroom. the proof is in the following photos.
After waiting all day to hear from the adjuster I called the agency and complained. I was assured he would call. He finally did, but not until the next morning. He started out by telling me our conversation would be recorded. Who cares? Just get on with it! After about 15 minutes of bullshit he read me a clause in my policy, which said damage from rain, sleet and snow was excluded. I won't add my reaction, but I am sure you can guess what it was just before I hung up.
I have never heard of anything so absurd. I live in the middle of the New Mexico desert for crying out loud not Minnesota! The snow we got this year is almost unheard of. It broke a record set in the late 60s. I thought the reason I had insurance was for things just like this.
After expecting the best yesterday today I don't expect much of anything good. Now I am on my own to deal with a contractor and have the most serious damage repaired first. All I have to say is read the fine print before you sign anything or fork over your hard earned money.
It is getting so you really can't trust anyone anymore.
I was happy with the news and merrily went home and took some pictures of the damage for future reference. The master bathroom is in the worst shape, followed by the second bathroom. the proof is in the following photos.
After waiting all day to hear from the adjuster I called the agency and complained. I was assured he would call. He finally did, but not until the next morning. He started out by telling me our conversation would be recorded. Who cares? Just get on with it! After about 15 minutes of bullshit he read me a clause in my policy, which said damage from rain, sleet and snow was excluded. I won't add my reaction, but I am sure you can guess what it was just before I hung up.
I have never heard of anything so absurd. I live in the middle of the New Mexico desert for crying out loud not Minnesota! The snow we got this year is almost unheard of. It broke a record set in the late 60s. I thought the reason I had insurance was for things just like this.
After expecting the best yesterday today I don't expect much of anything good. Now I am on my own to deal with a contractor and have the most serious damage repaired first. All I have to say is read the fine print before you sign anything or fork over your hard earned money.
It is getting so you really can't trust anyone anymore.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Don't follow too close
We sometimes get so caught up in what others are selling that we forget to step back and look at things from another angle. Since my spiritual awakening began I have checked out the teachings of many who proclaim to be enlightened. I have stayed for awhile, picked up the information that I needed and moved on to something else. I have learned through trial and error not to follow too close to anyone or any thing.
Other people, even when they have a title following their name are simply teachers put on my path to help me on my earth journey. I have often been told that I have very strong intuition. As the years have passed I have noticed that the more I follow that universal gift the better off I am and the stronger it becomes. I believe it is a built in guidance system directly connected to our Source of eternal existence. Everyone has it, but not everyone pays attention.
When I look back at the amount of information I have gathered through groups, organizations, books, videos, websites and other people in the last few years I really have to laugh. How much information is enough anyway?
One of the most humorous is my temporary attraction to Abraham/Hicks. An entity known as Abraham, who promotes the law of attraction, is supposed to be channeled through the human mind of Esther Hicks. I admit I was taken in for awhile because it was different. Part of my attraction to the videos that I watched was the fact that I found Abraham just plain funny. His/her responses to the absurd problems that were presented gave me plenty of moments of free entertainment. Esther’s husband recently died of cancer and she is now saying she is channeling his spirit. Alright lady the game is over, I am done and you went way too far for me!
Abraham and in fact all laws of attraction are based on one simple fact and that is, our thoughts create our reality. Think more positive thoughts and you’ll get more good stuff happening to you. For instance, eat more good food and you’ll be rewarded with a healthier life. It doesn’t take someone to write book after book or produce a ton of videos to get that point across.
I have come to the conclusion that from now on I need to be really careful who and what I am following and for how long. If my intuition is telling me it’s time to get out I’m going to do just that.
Other people, even when they have a title following their name are simply teachers put on my path to help me on my earth journey. I have often been told that I have very strong intuition. As the years have passed I have noticed that the more I follow that universal gift the better off I am and the stronger it becomes. I believe it is a built in guidance system directly connected to our Source of eternal existence. Everyone has it, but not everyone pays attention.
When I look back at the amount of information I have gathered through groups, organizations, books, videos, websites and other people in the last few years I really have to laugh. How much information is enough anyway?
One of the most humorous is my temporary attraction to Abraham/Hicks. An entity known as Abraham, who promotes the law of attraction, is supposed to be channeled through the human mind of Esther Hicks. I admit I was taken in for awhile because it was different. Part of my attraction to the videos that I watched was the fact that I found Abraham just plain funny. His/her responses to the absurd problems that were presented gave me plenty of moments of free entertainment. Esther’s husband recently died of cancer and she is now saying she is channeling his spirit. Alright lady the game is over, I am done and you went way too far for me!
Abraham and in fact all laws of attraction are based on one simple fact and that is, our thoughts create our reality. Think more positive thoughts and you’ll get more good stuff happening to you. For instance, eat more good food and you’ll be rewarded with a healthier life. It doesn’t take someone to write book after book or produce a ton of videos to get that point across.
I have come to the conclusion that from now on I need to be really careful who and what I am following and for how long. If my intuition is telling me it’s time to get out I’m going to do just that.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
New Vision
In considering if I should sell what I have and rent I was given a suggestion that produced a new vision of the question. It was “concentrate on what you have not on what you don’t have”. The result follows:
Why sell my house and down size my living conditions?
I live in a very comfortable home surrounded by things I love and have mostly paid for myself. Even though it has more room than I actually need at the moment- so what! It has everything I do need and would not find in something smaller. It has 3 bedrooms used for a master bedroom, a guest bedroom and an office; two bathrooms, one of which I mostly ignore along with the 20’X 20’ addition; a large kitchen that fits my needs perfectly and a comfortable living and dinning area. Outside is a large shed for storage containing among other things a small freezer. I also have a garage, an asset I would not have if renting an apartment. Best of all is the spacious deck just outside my patio window great for just hanging out, watching the clouds or listening to the birds in the surrounding trees.
Is it possible I don’t think I deserve what I have?
The answer to that is probably yes. It is an age old problem that I thought I had conquered, apparently not. In reality what I do not deserve is to be forced to dispose of possessions, including the possibility of my two mature cats, to live below the standard that I have now. That makes no sense at all.
Eliminate house insurance, property tax
Around $900 per year for insurance and property tax as opposed to several thousand per year for rent makes no sense either.
Eliminate house repairs
This is a what if futuristic problem based on the act of not trusting that I will be provided the help I need for whatever problems might come up. I have handled every single challenge that has risen so far so not believing in me and my ability to survive is not a very positive approach. Not trusting also might piss off God/Source just a little bit.
To be closer to the things & people in my life
This is the most ridicules reason yet. I live in a small town and I can get anywhere I need to go in ten minutes or less. That’s of course, unless the roads are covered with ice. I also live two doors from the most important person in my life, my young grandson.
More freedom
Actually owning a house gives me more freedom than renting ever could. I can do as I please and I account to nobody else.
Which is the bigger risk selling or staying put?
Taking these and other facts I have weighed into consideration I believe the bigger risk is selling what I have and renting problems that belong to someone else.
A real estate lady is coming this afternoon to give me an approximate value on my house/property. I doubt that it is going to be a figure that would inspire me to sell, but it is a number I need to know. In preparation for her visit I spent some time cleaning and repairing little things that I had previously ignored. In the process I looked around as I finished each room and really took in what the universe has given me. My thoughts changed as I began to see with grateful eyes that I do deserve everything I have.
Why sell my house and down size my living conditions?
I live in a very comfortable home surrounded by things I love and have mostly paid for myself. Even though it has more room than I actually need at the moment- so what! It has everything I do need and would not find in something smaller. It has 3 bedrooms used for a master bedroom, a guest bedroom and an office; two bathrooms, one of which I mostly ignore along with the 20’X 20’ addition; a large kitchen that fits my needs perfectly and a comfortable living and dinning area. Outside is a large shed for storage containing among other things a small freezer. I also have a garage, an asset I would not have if renting an apartment. Best of all is the spacious deck just outside my patio window great for just hanging out, watching the clouds or listening to the birds in the surrounding trees.
Is it possible I don’t think I deserve what I have?
The answer to that is probably yes. It is an age old problem that I thought I had conquered, apparently not. In reality what I do not deserve is to be forced to dispose of possessions, including the possibility of my two mature cats, to live below the standard that I have now. That makes no sense at all.
Eliminate house insurance, property tax
Around $900 per year for insurance and property tax as opposed to several thousand per year for rent makes no sense either.
Eliminate house repairs
This is a what if futuristic problem based on the act of not trusting that I will be provided the help I need for whatever problems might come up. I have handled every single challenge that has risen so far so not believing in me and my ability to survive is not a very positive approach. Not trusting also might piss off God/Source just a little bit.
To be closer to the things & people in my life
This is the most ridicules reason yet. I live in a small town and I can get anywhere I need to go in ten minutes or less. That’s of course, unless the roads are covered with ice. I also live two doors from the most important person in my life, my young grandson.
More freedom
Actually owning a house gives me more freedom than renting ever could. I can do as I please and I account to nobody else.
Which is the bigger risk selling or staying put?
Taking these and other facts I have weighed into consideration I believe the bigger risk is selling what I have and renting problems that belong to someone else.
A real estate lady is coming this afternoon to give me an approximate value on my house/property. I doubt that it is going to be a figure that would inspire me to sell, but it is a number I need to know. In preparation for her visit I spent some time cleaning and repairing little things that I had previously ignored. In the process I looked around as I finished each room and really took in what the universe has given me. My thoughts changed as I began to see with grateful eyes that I do deserve everything I have.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Comparison works
Decision making is sometimes made easier when the universe gives you something to compare what you have with what you might have. Today I was given the gift of comparison.
Trying to decide whether to sell my mobile home or move into an apartment has been weighing on my mind lately. Today I went to see an apartment that I felt was in a price range that I could afford. I took one step inside and silently uttered, "I don't deserve this!" It was like a tiny cracker box and I could not imagine being able to fit even a small portion of my furniture inside and still have room to move around. The kitchen was about a third the size of what I have (I love to cook) and I couldn't figure out where I would put my dinning room table. Actually the living room was about the size of my current dinning room.
I have worked my butt off for almost 13 years to have the nice things that I have and do my best to take care of them. No way am I going to dump them to move into a box. Yuck! My decision is to stay where I am because I am the one who has made it a comfortable home. I believe if it is in line with God/Source I will somehow be provided with what I need to continue to take care of what is mine.
Another interesting comparison happened today regarding the writer's group I started last November. Our local paper has been good about putting the notices that I send them in the community section, but that is as far as they have gone toward publicity. Since I wrote for this paper as a columnist it has upset me a little- okay a lot. This afternoon I was informed that I will be interviewed by a neighboring large town newspaper about our group next week. Since we are trying to attract new members this information is making me very happy.
In celebration I am going out for Chinese tonight to a favorite restaurant. I tried out another one recently that a friend suggested just to compare what they had to offer. As with my house I am sticking with what makes me the happiest. Thank you universe for the chance to compare.
Of course, I do realize the universe could still throw something unknown to me at the present time into the mix to change my mind!
Trying to decide whether to sell my mobile home or move into an apartment has been weighing on my mind lately. Today I went to see an apartment that I felt was in a price range that I could afford. I took one step inside and silently uttered, "I don't deserve this!" It was like a tiny cracker box and I could not imagine being able to fit even a small portion of my furniture inside and still have room to move around. The kitchen was about a third the size of what I have (I love to cook) and I couldn't figure out where I would put my dinning room table. Actually the living room was about the size of my current dinning room.
I have worked my butt off for almost 13 years to have the nice things that I have and do my best to take care of them. No way am I going to dump them to move into a box. Yuck! My decision is to stay where I am because I am the one who has made it a comfortable home. I believe if it is in line with God/Source I will somehow be provided with what I need to continue to take care of what is mine.
Another interesting comparison happened today regarding the writer's group I started last November. Our local paper has been good about putting the notices that I send them in the community section, but that is as far as they have gone toward publicity. Since I wrote for this paper as a columnist it has upset me a little- okay a lot. This afternoon I was informed that I will be interviewed by a neighboring large town newspaper about our group next week. Since we are trying to attract new members this information is making me very happy.
In celebration I am going out for Chinese tonight to a favorite restaurant. I tried out another one recently that a friend suggested just to compare what they had to offer. As with my house I am sticking with what makes me the happiest. Thank you universe for the chance to compare.
Of course, I do realize the universe could still throw something unknown to me at the present time into the mix to change my mind!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Decisions decisions
For the last few years I have been toying with the idea of selling my double wide mobile home. This idea always pops up following an unexpected repair bill, and there have been many since I acquired singular responsibility for my house and property in 1999. The time has come to make a serious decision.
I was just told that a man I know is buying trailers, fixing them up and renting them. This person has an honest reputation and I would have no problem dealing with him. My house plus an addition sits on 1/2 acre of land and has 1,747 sq feet of living space. Although it is 36 years old it is in good shape for its age. I am very aware that the offering price would not be as much as I would like.
The big thing is, am I really ready to sell and move to an apartment? This question became serious when I found out there was a possibility of actually selling it. Before that it was just an interesting thought that came up now and then. I am trying to decide what my first step is. Do I talk to the man first or do I check out apartments to see if I would be happy living in one?
Scratching both of those for the time being I decided to make a pro and con list of moving to an apartment. The pro list was almost twice as long as the con one, which shouldn’t have been much of a surprise I guess.
Basically, selling and moving to an apartment would reduce my stress about keeping what I have in constant repair and in many ways give me more freedom. If I chose to stay where I am I would be holding onto something that is too big, too much work and too expensive to maintain.
What it boils down to is fear of letting go of something familiar versus taking a chance on something unknown. Owning a house/property does give me a feeling of security, but what if something major happens like needing a new roof or furnace? No way would I be able to handle that kind of expense on my fixed income. I know from experience that plumbers, electricians and so forth are not cheap today. If I rented an apartment problems like that would belong to someone else.
One more question just popped up. If I happen to win the NM lottery and have plenty of money would my pro con list remain the same? Maybe or maybe not.
I’m still making the decision of what step to take next, but my intuition is saying, “If you have a way out take the opportunity and do it.”
I was just told that a man I know is buying trailers, fixing them up and renting them. This person has an honest reputation and I would have no problem dealing with him. My house plus an addition sits on 1/2 acre of land and has 1,747 sq feet of living space. Although it is 36 years old it is in good shape for its age. I am very aware that the offering price would not be as much as I would like.
The big thing is, am I really ready to sell and move to an apartment? This question became serious when I found out there was a possibility of actually selling it. Before that it was just an interesting thought that came up now and then. I am trying to decide what my first step is. Do I talk to the man first or do I check out apartments to see if I would be happy living in one?
Scratching both of those for the time being I decided to make a pro and con list of moving to an apartment. The pro list was almost twice as long as the con one, which shouldn’t have been much of a surprise I guess.
Basically, selling and moving to an apartment would reduce my stress about keeping what I have in constant repair and in many ways give me more freedom. If I chose to stay where I am I would be holding onto something that is too big, too much work and too expensive to maintain.
What it boils down to is fear of letting go of something familiar versus taking a chance on something unknown. Owning a house/property does give me a feeling of security, but what if something major happens like needing a new roof or furnace? No way would I be able to handle that kind of expense on my fixed income. I know from experience that plumbers, electricians and so forth are not cheap today. If I rented an apartment problems like that would belong to someone else.
One more question just popped up. If I happen to win the NM lottery and have plenty of money would my pro con list remain the same? Maybe or maybe not.
I’m still making the decision of what step to take next, but my intuition is saying, “If you have a way out take the opportunity and do it.”
Monday, January 16, 2012
Happy Birthday
Today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day and a good portion of people, especially in the U.S., are taking the time to recognize a great man who fought for peace and equality in his own way. Just as Jesus who came before him, he didn’t carry a weapon. He simply stood up for what he believed in and led others to believe that anything is possible when you have a dream.
Every once in a while a man like this is created and the world celebrates his life long after he is no longer here. Others pick up the pieces and began walking in the same direction. Perhaps they will never have the notoriety, but that does not mean that their efforts are any less valuable to mankind.
I believe every little bit we all do to promote peace, love and equality is important. So what if your picture will never be on a postage stamp or your birthday will only be celebrated by your family and friends. Think about all the people you have an opportunity to touch each day with your words and actions. It matters, so just keep doing what you are doing anyway!
Happy Birthday Mr.King you did a good job!
Every once in a while a man like this is created and the world celebrates his life long after he is no longer here. Others pick up the pieces and began walking in the same direction. Perhaps they will never have the notoriety, but that does not mean that their efforts are any less valuable to mankind.
I believe every little bit we all do to promote peace, love and equality is important. So what if your picture will never be on a postage stamp or your birthday will only be celebrated by your family and friends. Think about all the people you have an opportunity to touch each day with your words and actions. It matters, so just keep doing what you are doing anyway!
Happy Birthday Mr.King you did a good job!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Afraid to live
Lately I have become aware that fear is something that is interfering with my life and I decided to track down its roots as quickly as possible so that I can be done with it once and for all.
Until I began investigating I believed it was something that had cropped up in recent years. I couldn’t have been more wrong. It has been a problem all of my life and I wanted to know how this could have happened. What started the whole thing? Surely we are not born with the fear that terrible things may happen to us as we stroll along our journey. I was determined to know when this unreasonable fear of living my life began. There had to have been some kind of serious trauma and I realized it may not even include a conscious memory.
The best place to begin is in the beginning. My parents were married in June and I was born in December of the same year. Math has never been my strong point, but I can count higher than 9. My dear mother claimed I was premature until the day she died at 75. As an adult I sent for my birth certificate and clearly read the words full term birth. Even though I read the words I am not certain that my conscious mind grasped their meaning. After all, my mother, who was there at the time of my conception and delivery, should know the truth shouldn’t she?
From then on I blamed her for lying, which caused me to think less of her. I’m sure she had good reasons; including her own fear of finding out she was pregnant and not married. This fear was quite possibly passed on to me, even before my birth. If I knew then what I know now I would have realized it didn’t matter that she lied, because that was her problem. What mattered is that I believed her, until I saw the truth in writing. By then it had already done years of damage to my self-esteem.
The word premature to me means: weak, not ready, incomplete or flawed in some way. Added to this was the fact that when I was four months old she got pregnant again and my brother was born 9 months later. As a small child I could have interpreted that to mean that I wasn’t good enough and she needed to try again. Admittedly, I’m just guessing here. I have good reason to believe from the way she mothered both of us that she never intended to be a mother at all. We don’t always get what we want in life!
I believe I have found the root of my fear, now to pull it out and start over. I am not the person I was led to believe that I was. In recent years I have proved to myself and to the world that I am in no way weak, incomplete or flawed. There is no longer a need to hold on to a bold faced lie told by my mother to cover up her fear.
Until I began investigating I believed it was something that had cropped up in recent years. I couldn’t have been more wrong. It has been a problem all of my life and I wanted to know how this could have happened. What started the whole thing? Surely we are not born with the fear that terrible things may happen to us as we stroll along our journey. I was determined to know when this unreasonable fear of living my life began. There had to have been some kind of serious trauma and I realized it may not even include a conscious memory.
The best place to begin is in the beginning. My parents were married in June and I was born in December of the same year. Math has never been my strong point, but I can count higher than 9. My dear mother claimed I was premature until the day she died at 75. As an adult I sent for my birth certificate and clearly read the words full term birth. Even though I read the words I am not certain that my conscious mind grasped their meaning. After all, my mother, who was there at the time of my conception and delivery, should know the truth shouldn’t she?
From then on I blamed her for lying, which caused me to think less of her. I’m sure she had good reasons; including her own fear of finding out she was pregnant and not married. This fear was quite possibly passed on to me, even before my birth. If I knew then what I know now I would have realized it didn’t matter that she lied, because that was her problem. What mattered is that I believed her, until I saw the truth in writing. By then it had already done years of damage to my self-esteem.
The word premature to me means: weak, not ready, incomplete or flawed in some way. Added to this was the fact that when I was four months old she got pregnant again and my brother was born 9 months later. As a small child I could have interpreted that to mean that I wasn’t good enough and she needed to try again. Admittedly, I’m just guessing here. I have good reason to believe from the way she mothered both of us that she never intended to be a mother at all. We don’t always get what we want in life!
I believe I have found the root of my fear, now to pull it out and start over. I am not the person I was led to believe that I was. In recent years I have proved to myself and to the world that I am in no way weak, incomplete or flawed. There is no longer a need to hold on to a bold faced lie told by my mother to cover up her fear.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Believe it or not
Since today is the first Friday the 13th in 2012 I decided to do a little search and find out the origin of all the fuss.
Bet you didn't know it is technically "Friggatriskaidekaphobia" (whew that was a mouth full)! Frigga is the name of the Norse goddess for whom Friday is named and triskaidekaphobia means the fear of #13.
What's so bad about #13 you might ask?
At the Last Supper there were 13 attendants. Judas, who later betrayed Jesus, sat at the 13th place is one explanation.
Apollo 13 is the only unsuccessful mission to attempt to land on the moon.
Traditionally, 13 is the number of steps leading to a gallows.
In numerology 12 is considered the number of completion and 13 disturbs the balance.
Witches gathered in groups of 12 and it is said the devil would appear as #13.
In some traditions 13 is actually a lucky number.
In Judaism it is the age a boy achieves Bar Mitzvah.
There were 13 original colonies in the United States.
God has 13 attributes of Mercy.
In Hinduism the 13th day following a death is the day a memorial feast is held for the peace of the departed.
What it all boils down to is you can choose to believe that Friday the 13th is unlucky or lucky. I think if you are still here on the 14th you might tend to believe in its luck!
Bet you didn't know it is technically "Friggatriskaidekaphobia" (whew that was a mouth full)! Frigga is the name of the Norse goddess for whom Friday is named and triskaidekaphobia means the fear of #13.
What's so bad about #13 you might ask?
At the Last Supper there were 13 attendants. Judas, who later betrayed Jesus, sat at the 13th place is one explanation.
Apollo 13 is the only unsuccessful mission to attempt to land on the moon.
Traditionally, 13 is the number of steps leading to a gallows.
In numerology 12 is considered the number of completion and 13 disturbs the balance.
Witches gathered in groups of 12 and it is said the devil would appear as #13.
In some traditions 13 is actually a lucky number.
In Judaism it is the age a boy achieves Bar Mitzvah.
There were 13 original colonies in the United States.
God has 13 attributes of Mercy.
In Hinduism the 13th day following a death is the day a memorial feast is held for the peace of the departed.
What it all boils down to is you can choose to believe that Friday the 13th is unlucky or lucky. I think if you are still here on the 14th you might tend to believe in its luck!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
On writing
I thought it would be fun to see what writers had to say about writing.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
The reason one writes isn’t the fact that he wants to say something. He writes because he has something to say.
Judy Collins
I don’t think you get to good writing unless you express yourself and your feelings. Deep songs don’t come from the surface; they com from the deep down. The poetry and songs that you are supposed to write, I believe are in your heart.
Gloria Steinem
Writing is the only thing that when I do it, I don’t feel I should be doing something else.
Charlotte Bronte
I am neither a man nor a woman, but an author.
Truman Capote
Writing has laws of perspective, of light and shade just as painting does or music. If you are born knowing them, fine, if not learn them. Then rearrange the rules to suit yourself.
Walter Cronkite
Objective journalism and an opinion column are about as alike as the Bible and Playboy magazine.
Will Rogers
In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write, but evidently can’t read. If they could read their stuff they’d stop writing.
Jules Renard
Writing is the best way to talk without being interrupted.
V.S. Naipaul
I have trusted to intuition. I did it at the beginning. I do it even now. I have no idea how things might turn out, where in my writing I might go next.
David Ben Gurion
Anyone who believes you can’t change history has never tried to write his memoirs.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
The reason one writes isn’t the fact that he wants to say something. He writes because he has something to say.
Judy Collins
I don’t think you get to good writing unless you express yourself and your feelings. Deep songs don’t come from the surface; they com from the deep down. The poetry and songs that you are supposed to write, I believe are in your heart.
Gloria Steinem
Writing is the only thing that when I do it, I don’t feel I should be doing something else.
Charlotte Bronte
I am neither a man nor a woman, but an author.
Truman Capote
Writing has laws of perspective, of light and shade just as painting does or music. If you are born knowing them, fine, if not learn them. Then rearrange the rules to suit yourself.
Walter Cronkite
Objective journalism and an opinion column are about as alike as the Bible and Playboy magazine.
Will Rogers
In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write, but evidently can’t read. If they could read their stuff they’d stop writing.
Jules Renard
Writing is the best way to talk without being interrupted.
V.S. Naipaul
I have trusted to intuition. I did it at the beginning. I do it even now. I have no idea how things might turn out, where in my writing I might go next.
David Ben Gurion
Anyone who believes you can’t change history has never tried to write his memoirs.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Hate
The next challenge for our writing group is "hate" and since my piece is finished I thought I would try it out on my blog audience. So here it goes comments welcome and appreciated!
Hate
Hate is such an ugly word, but it is after all only a word. It is the feeling behind the word that gets us in trouble. I distinctly remember shouting, “I hate her” when complaining to my grandmother about a former classmate. I was a teenager riding in the back seat of her car at the time. She immediately turned around and quietly said, “You don’t hate anyone”.
That simple response has stuck in my mind my whole life. I try not to use the word at all although occasionally it pops out. For instance my recent utterance, “I hate this snow”, was the result of not looking past the icy roads that kept me a prisoner to appreciate the pristine beauty it left.
According to Webster hate is “having a strong dislike or ill will toward a person or thing”. My definition of hate is a person who is unwilling to open their mind and heart to something beyond what is normal for them. For me the word hate especially brings up the word prejudice. That word quickly moves on to race, color, religion, economic status and anything else that categorizes a person or group of people. Hate has started many wars between people and nations because people cannot accept each other as is.
I feel very fortunate to have grown up without hate as a daily experience. The people around me come from all walks of life, some are rich some poor, some are black some white and every color in between; some are religious and some spiritual. I am grateful for the opportunity I have been given to learn from each one. They have all brought something different to my normal life and provided opportunities for me to evolve.
I do not consider any entity below or above me and so there is no reason to hate or be jealous of what anyone else has. We all came from the same source with our very own guidance system. To my knowledge we are all going back to whence we came when we are finished walking our path on this planet called earth.
Of course, there is that occasional person who expresses hate/dislike toward me. Others sometimes don’t like what I say, think or do. When that happens I have two choices. I can buy into what they believe causing even more hate, or simply ignore them; realizing that it is after all, their problem not mine. I don’t mean to give the impression that I have never expressed anger at someone’s behavior, but temporary anger is a long way from hate. While still in the infant stage it can be dealt with by communicating, providing both parties are willing to listen and be heard. Hate is a learned behavior and it can be unlearned.
Apparently my grandmother did a very good job with me in her simple response to my hateful behavior way back then by responding, “You don’t hate anyone”. Thanks Nana you did good!
Hate
Hate is such an ugly word, but it is after all only a word. It is the feeling behind the word that gets us in trouble. I distinctly remember shouting, “I hate her” when complaining to my grandmother about a former classmate. I was a teenager riding in the back seat of her car at the time. She immediately turned around and quietly said, “You don’t hate anyone”.
That simple response has stuck in my mind my whole life. I try not to use the word at all although occasionally it pops out. For instance my recent utterance, “I hate this snow”, was the result of not looking past the icy roads that kept me a prisoner to appreciate the pristine beauty it left.
According to Webster hate is “having a strong dislike or ill will toward a person or thing”. My definition of hate is a person who is unwilling to open their mind and heart to something beyond what is normal for them. For me the word hate especially brings up the word prejudice. That word quickly moves on to race, color, religion, economic status and anything else that categorizes a person or group of people. Hate has started many wars between people and nations because people cannot accept each other as is.
I feel very fortunate to have grown up without hate as a daily experience. The people around me come from all walks of life, some are rich some poor, some are black some white and every color in between; some are religious and some spiritual. I am grateful for the opportunity I have been given to learn from each one. They have all brought something different to my normal life and provided opportunities for me to evolve.
I do not consider any entity below or above me and so there is no reason to hate or be jealous of what anyone else has. We all came from the same source with our very own guidance system. To my knowledge we are all going back to whence we came when we are finished walking our path on this planet called earth.
Of course, there is that occasional person who expresses hate/dislike toward me. Others sometimes don’t like what I say, think or do. When that happens I have two choices. I can buy into what they believe causing even more hate, or simply ignore them; realizing that it is after all, their problem not mine. I don’t mean to give the impression that I have never expressed anger at someone’s behavior, but temporary anger is a long way from hate. While still in the infant stage it can be dealt with by communicating, providing both parties are willing to listen and be heard. Hate is a learned behavior and it can be unlearned.
Apparently my grandmother did a very good job with me in her simple response to my hateful behavior way back then by responding, “You don’t hate anyone”. Thanks Nana you did good!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
An angel's view
Yesterday I found the following post on my Facebook newsfeed. Something about it got my attention and I re-posted it for whoever else it was meant for.
If you have taken a minute to read this... The angels have seen YOU struggling with something. The angels say it’s over. A blessing is coming your way. If you believe in angels send this message on, please don't ignore it. The angels are going to fix two things (BIG) in your favor. If you believe in angels drop everything and re-post.
I do believe in angel help, but I also believe that they have a different view of our struggles than we humans here on earth do. The suggestion was that the angels would fix two big things that I have been struggling with. I began to think about what they might be.
My biggest struggle, which has followed me all of my life is fear. I can’t seem to trust that all is well and everything is going to turn out alright. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop when something negative happens. It is as if I just can’t allow myself to relax and enjoy my life. I think I need to get out of my own way and let things happen. I am quite aware that the wall I put up is keeping the things I truly want away, but I do not know how to let go of this fear of being happy, healthy and healed. If I were the angel in charge this would be my first fixer upper. Are you listening up there?
There are two other challenges that I have been struggling with for several years and they seem to be connected, probably even to the first. I have been living my life alone since 1999 and looking for a mate. Some people might use the term companion. Perhaps I am too picky, but I have a very specific individual in mind. He must be kind hearted, honest, spiritually accepting, have a great sense of humor, be healthy in mind and body and most of all be able to see the person inside. There have been a couple of men who have come close over the years, but close isn’t what I want.
The third struggle is money. Wow I am really tired of trying to live on an income below the poverty level. It isn’t that I can’t because I have surely proved that I can. I have met every challenge that the universe has presented and survived. Enough already! While there is still time I want to travel and meet new people and see new things. For once I want to not have to worry about the numbers on the right side of a menu. Even if I had money it would not be my style to waste it, but until I get it I can’t prove that to myself or anyone else.
I clearly see that the last two could easily become one and meet my second struggle that the angels also see. Since I don’t have the view of an angel I will just have to wait to find out the end of this story. In the meantime I will continue to believe in angelic help and happy endings.
If you have taken a minute to read this... The angels have seen YOU struggling with something. The angels say it’s over. A blessing is coming your way. If you believe in angels send this message on, please don't ignore it. The angels are going to fix two things (BIG) in your favor. If you believe in angels drop everything and re-post.
I do believe in angel help, but I also believe that they have a different view of our struggles than we humans here on earth do. The suggestion was that the angels would fix two big things that I have been struggling with. I began to think about what they might be.
My biggest struggle, which has followed me all of my life is fear. I can’t seem to trust that all is well and everything is going to turn out alright. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop when something negative happens. It is as if I just can’t allow myself to relax and enjoy my life. I think I need to get out of my own way and let things happen. I am quite aware that the wall I put up is keeping the things I truly want away, but I do not know how to let go of this fear of being happy, healthy and healed. If I were the angel in charge this would be my first fixer upper. Are you listening up there?
There are two other challenges that I have been struggling with for several years and they seem to be connected, probably even to the first. I have been living my life alone since 1999 and looking for a mate. Some people might use the term companion. Perhaps I am too picky, but I have a very specific individual in mind. He must be kind hearted, honest, spiritually accepting, have a great sense of humor, be healthy in mind and body and most of all be able to see the person inside. There have been a couple of men who have come close over the years, but close isn’t what I want.
The third struggle is money. Wow I am really tired of trying to live on an income below the poverty level. It isn’t that I can’t because I have surely proved that I can. I have met every challenge that the universe has presented and survived. Enough already! While there is still time I want to travel and meet new people and see new things. For once I want to not have to worry about the numbers on the right side of a menu. Even if I had money it would not be my style to waste it, but until I get it I can’t prove that to myself or anyone else.
I clearly see that the last two could easily become one and meet my second struggle that the angels also see. Since I don’t have the view of an angel I will just have to wait to find out the end of this story. In the meantime I will continue to believe in angelic help and happy endings.
Friday, January 6, 2012
It feels good to give
A couple of days ago I was the only person in line behind a young woman who was counting her change to pay for her purchase. She didn't have enough money. I could feel her pain and embarrassment. Without thinking I asked the clerk how much she needed, which was a little over a dollar. I handed her a five dollar bill and said take it out of this. The young woman gratefully thanked me and I said, Happy New Year!
After she left the clerk told me I was a very kind person. We briefly discussed that what you do for others comes back to you. She related the fact that she had once found a wallet outside a casino containing $2,000 dollars and turned it in. Four days later she won over $4,000.
The clerk's story briefly made me wonder if I would be repaid for this and many other times I have felt a person's pain and responded. Then I decided it didn't matter because I didn't do it for a reward. I did it because it feels really good to give.
I remember a wonderful opportunity I had several years ago to help someone and it brought back a warm feeling to my heart. A friend and I were having lunch at a local restaurant. We were served by a very good waiter who shared that he and his wife were going through some hard times through no fault of their own and he had lost faith in humanity. Again I felt his pain. I had just come from the bank and had an unusual amount of cash in my purse. I took an envelope and placed bills in it, not questioning what I was doing. I handed it to him as we left. When we reached the door of the restaurant we heard a loud whoop and he rushed towards me with a grateful hug. He had just received the biggest tip he will no doubt ever get from a customer. I still am not sure why I did what I did, but the memory still feels really good.
Last week a man knocked on my door shortly after dark. Our roads were ice packed and he appeared to be walking. He said he had just gotten off work. In his hand he held a jar with a photo of a baby he said was his godson. The baby was in the heart hospital and the man said he was trying to collect money to help the parents. Although it was a strange situation to occur at night I hesitated only for a moment before contributing a small amount to his cause. In sharing the story with others and asking what they would have done I was surprised at the reaction of some. One in particular said to call the police and report the man because she suspected it was a scam. Another said it only mattered that I followed my heart and if it was a scam it was the man's problem to deal with. Even though I had never met the man before I saw no reason not to believe him and I am happy that I followed my intuition.
A couple days after this happened my car suddenly started overheating and I immediately stopped at Delta Tires, which is run by a good friend. My car was checked and it was determined I needed a new alternator. Obviously a tire store does not usually deal with other problems a car might have. In this case the owner had one of his employees put in a new part. I was out of there in a couple of hours and the bill was very reasonable. I choose to believe the kindness I showed to others recently had a lot to do with the outcome.
Today I'm splitting some bread crumbs between the birds in my yard and my feathered friends at the Riverwalk and dropping off some cookies at our local mission. giving doesn't have to be limited to money.
It really doesn't take a lot to help someone in need. I intend to keep doing what I am doing because giving feels really good.
After she left the clerk told me I was a very kind person. We briefly discussed that what you do for others comes back to you. She related the fact that she had once found a wallet outside a casino containing $2,000 dollars and turned it in. Four days later she won over $4,000.
The clerk's story briefly made me wonder if I would be repaid for this and many other times I have felt a person's pain and responded. Then I decided it didn't matter because I didn't do it for a reward. I did it because it feels really good to give.
I remember a wonderful opportunity I had several years ago to help someone and it brought back a warm feeling to my heart. A friend and I were having lunch at a local restaurant. We were served by a very good waiter who shared that he and his wife were going through some hard times through no fault of their own and he had lost faith in humanity. Again I felt his pain. I had just come from the bank and had an unusual amount of cash in my purse. I took an envelope and placed bills in it, not questioning what I was doing. I handed it to him as we left. When we reached the door of the restaurant we heard a loud whoop and he rushed towards me with a grateful hug. He had just received the biggest tip he will no doubt ever get from a customer. I still am not sure why I did what I did, but the memory still feels really good.
Last week a man knocked on my door shortly after dark. Our roads were ice packed and he appeared to be walking. He said he had just gotten off work. In his hand he held a jar with a photo of a baby he said was his godson. The baby was in the heart hospital and the man said he was trying to collect money to help the parents. Although it was a strange situation to occur at night I hesitated only for a moment before contributing a small amount to his cause. In sharing the story with others and asking what they would have done I was surprised at the reaction of some. One in particular said to call the police and report the man because she suspected it was a scam. Another said it only mattered that I followed my heart and if it was a scam it was the man's problem to deal with. Even though I had never met the man before I saw no reason not to believe him and I am happy that I followed my intuition.
A couple days after this happened my car suddenly started overheating and I immediately stopped at Delta Tires, which is run by a good friend. My car was checked and it was determined I needed a new alternator. Obviously a tire store does not usually deal with other problems a car might have. In this case the owner had one of his employees put in a new part. I was out of there in a couple of hours and the bill was very reasonable. I choose to believe the kindness I showed to others recently had a lot to do with the outcome.
Today I'm splitting some bread crumbs between the birds in my yard and my feathered friends at the Riverwalk and dropping off some cookies at our local mission. giving doesn't have to be limited to money.
It really doesn't take a lot to help someone in need. I intend to keep doing what I am doing because giving feels really good.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
What is normal?
On this 4th day of January things seem to be getting back to normal whatever that is. The kids are finally back in school where they belong during the week. Most of the roads are now free of snow and ice from our holiday storms. People are slowly moving into their familiar patterns of everyday life.
For the first time since Christmas I went to the family center to walk and use the fitness room. I thought it would be hard to go back, but it felt really good to be moving around. I also visited my chiropractor to get my body back in shape and deal with the stress the snow and holidays brought to me. That also felt good.
Tomorrow my writing group resumes meeting every other week. I made phone calls yesterday to remind the members since it had been three weeks since our last meeting. It looks as if we are all in sinc and I am anxious for the group to move forward with new ideas, possibly picking up some new members. We all left with the writing challenge: humorous resolutions. I can't wait to see how uniquely different the offerings will be.
After checking out some of the 2012 videos my friends have suggested I begin this new year with a different perspective than last year. I am aware that this is going to be a special year, especially for those who are interested in their own evolvement. I hope to be more open to the ways that I can be loving, not only to others, but to myself.
I have a feeling that whatever was normal at this time last year is not going to be true this year. I certainly hope that after all the work I have done on myself I have moved more than a few steps forward.
For the first time since Christmas I went to the family center to walk and use the fitness room. I thought it would be hard to go back, but it felt really good to be moving around. I also visited my chiropractor to get my body back in shape and deal with the stress the snow and holidays brought to me. That also felt good.
Tomorrow my writing group resumes meeting every other week. I made phone calls yesterday to remind the members since it had been three weeks since our last meeting. It looks as if we are all in sinc and I am anxious for the group to move forward with new ideas, possibly picking up some new members. We all left with the writing challenge: humorous resolutions. I can't wait to see how uniquely different the offerings will be.
After checking out some of the 2012 videos my friends have suggested I begin this new year with a different perspective than last year. I am aware that this is going to be a special year, especially for those who are interested in their own evolvement. I hope to be more open to the ways that I can be loving, not only to others, but to myself.
I have a feeling that whatever was normal at this time last year is not going to be true this year. I certainly hope that after all the work I have done on myself I have moved more than a few steps forward.
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