After choosing fear as a word prompt I became aware that the fear of having fun is something that has been interfering with my life for years and I decided to track down its roots so that I can be done with it once and for all.
I began by going back in my life as far as I could. I checked out old photos and noted that until I was about two I was smiling. Then the photos began portraying a child with an unhappy expression on her face. I surmised there had to have been some kind of serious trauma that occurred, but what that was I wasn’t quite sure.
At first I blamed the fact that my brother came along when I was only 13 months old disrupting my role as my parent’s only child. I spent most of my childhood switching between resenting his intrusion and feeling responsible for him. I believe I wrongly assumed the role of a grownup long before I should have.
As if that were not trauma enough, I had major surgery when I was about 6. I overheard nurses saying they didn’t believe I would survive. I clearly remember being left alone on a gurney outside of the operating room and later the doctor yelling at the technicians because I wasn’t asleep yet. I also remember being complimented for bravely putting up with the numerous penicillin shots that were keeping me free from infection.
After that experience I don’t recall having much fun doing anything. I went to school, joined groups, took dance lessons, graduated from high school, got married twice, had 3 kids and my life went on in a very ordinary sort of way. I continued to focus on those I felt responsible for until 1999 when my thoughts began changing who I was and who I wanted to be. I began systematically dumping negative things from my life, including people.
It was not until I ran across a website just last week that I finally put the pieces together and realized what has been happening for the last 12 years. It has to do with the right and left brain and the functions of each.
The left brain is scientific, accurate, analytical, realistic, strategic, a master of words, logical, practical and always in control. If that doesn’t describe who I was back then I don’t know what does. No wonder I had trouble having fun.
The right brain is creative, a free spirit, passionate, boundless imagination, the sound of laughter, taste, movement, vivid colors, an urge to paint on an empty canvas, the feeling of sand beneath bare feet, art, poetry and a feeling of wholeness. Ah that’s much better.
I now believe that without my conscious knowledge I have been slowly guided to give my right brain permission to work in harmony with my left brain, allowing the person I was created to be to become whole again. Fear of having fun is no longer necessary.