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Sunday, February 26, 2012

Don't I count?

There seems to be a short circuit between the human me and the powers that be.

Sometimes I wonder if I have become invisible to God/Source. No, I don't think so because I can still see me in my mirror. What I see is someone who has spent her life giving whatever she could to others, even when she didn't have it to give. I am willing to admit that sometimes those gifts were given to buy love from others and I now know it was a form of manipulation. Live and learn . That was then and this is now and I have nothing left to give to anyone.

Taking care of myself all by myself since my divorce in 1999 has been an expensive journey. I went down a lot of dead end roads trying to discover what it is that I am supposed to be doing with my life. I have survived many trials that by comparison to some may not seem all that important. To me they were major tests to see if I could manage without giving up. So far I haven't reached that point, but I am getting close.

I have almost used up the monetary funds that I earned for my desire to be free from living with a mentally abusive alcoholic husband for 27 years. If I had not wasted so much on others I would be in better shape today, but I can't get back what I gave away. What's funny is that many of those people, including my own family, see me struggling and don't care. These are the people I picked for my life lessons? I'd like to have a do over God!

I spent years standing on the cement floors at Walmart for 6 hours straight offering samples to customers for not much money. It is no doubt partly the cause of my current back problems, creating yet more expense. Along with that I was just told by my physical therapist that my willingness to have another child at 41 probably contributed to the pain I am now enduring. It seems giving life to another can be expensive, especially when that person isn't even grateful for the gift.

I have written books and taken beautiful photographs that I am not able to sell. I'm sure you have heard the saying, it takes money to make money. That about sums up that story. Again, if I had the money for what I have given away over the years I would have fewer money problems now.

I see many of my friends moving to better homes, taking trips, given money and gifts, adding loving mates and I am happy for them. Although I am not jealous I am asking God/Source, don't I count? I have played by the rules and have learned to take care of myself, but the way I am being treated is unacceptable.

So today I am asking anyone who has an extra prayer and a direct line to the powers that be to speak for me. Apparently I am experiencing a short circuit.

5 comments:

  1. Barbara,

    Sending healing prayers out to God this morning for you!

    You do count even though you feel sometimes you are alone.

    When we are feeling alone and hurt, that is when God is hearing our prayers.

    Sending you much Love Barbara to your heart and soul!

    XOXO

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    1. I have almost given up believing that God even cares Maria. I see no evidence of it.

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    1. Thank you Michelle, just what I asked for. xo

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  3. Barbara, I've met you and I've been entertained in your home.... I can say without any hesitation that you are not alone. You have a beautiful residence, a nice, peaceful existence, a couple of wonderful cats, a gorgeous place in the world to call "home" - New Mexico, and a delightful sense of humor and gracefulness that made this weary traveler and her senior dog feel right at ease, and so much more.

    However, as I read this post, it seems you are focused on what you don't have, on what is not working for you, on what others are "getting," on all the shit (pardon my language!) that has happened in your life.

    Perhaps this was just a rant on your part but I couldn't pass up the opportunity to let you know that focusing on this stuff will simply give you more of it! Focus on what you DO want! If you don't know what that is for you, you're a writer - write some stuff down and get focused on something different than what you have written here!

    I do what I do on less than $900 a month. No one gives me any more money, I don’t “find” money laying around waiting for me to pick up, rarely do people buy my dinner when I go out and no one ever buys food for my dog and cat. I have no health insurance; I've done what I have to do to get by. When I travel, it means I eat a lot of ramen noodles that month because the only place I can take gas money from is the food "budget" and even though I know they are the worst thing for some of my body's current issues (high blood pressure/cholesterol/triglycerides, diabetes), I also know that traveling is more important than sitting somewhere and waiting to die because my body has decided to be "sick."

    You have so much to give the rest of us.... I hope my words have not seemed too harsh, that you will read them in the spirit of love that I am sending them with and turn your words into support for yourself. God/Spirit has not given up on you! And neither have the rest of us! ♥

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