There seems to be a short circuit between the human me and the powers that be.
Sometimes I wonder if I have become invisible to God/Source. No, I don't think so because I can still see me in my mirror. What I see is someone who has spent her life giving whatever she could to others, even when she didn't have it to give. I am willing to admit that sometimes those gifts were given to buy love from others and I now know it was a form of manipulation. Live and learn . That was then and this is now and I have nothing left to give to anyone.
Taking care of myself all by myself since my divorce in 1999 has been an expensive journey. I went down a lot of dead end roads trying to discover what it is that I am supposed to be doing with my life. I have survived many trials that by comparison to some may not seem all that important. To me they were major tests to see if I could manage without giving up. So far I haven't reached that point, but I am getting close.
I have almost used up the monetary funds that I earned for my desire to be free from living with a mentally abusive alcoholic husband for 27 years. If I had not wasted so much on others I would be in better shape today, but I can't get back what I gave away. What's funny is that many of those people, including my own family, see me struggling and don't care. These are the people I picked for my life lessons? I'd like to have a do over God!
I spent years standing on the cement floors at Walmart for 6 hours straight offering samples to customers for not much money. It is no doubt partly the cause of my current back problems, creating yet more expense. Along with that I was just told by my physical therapist that my willingness to have another child at 41 probably contributed to the pain I am now enduring. It seems giving life to another can be expensive, especially when that person isn't even grateful for the gift.
I have written books and taken beautiful photographs that I am not able to sell. I'm sure you have heard the saying, it takes money to make money. That about sums up that story. Again, if I had the money for what I have given away over the years I would have fewer money problems now.
I see many of my friends moving to better homes, taking trips, given money and gifts, adding loving mates and I am happy for them. Although I am not jealous I am asking God/Source, don't I count? I have played by the rules and have learned to take care of myself, but the way I am being treated is unacceptable.
So today I am asking anyone who has an extra prayer and a direct line to the powers that be to speak for me. Apparently I am experiencing a short circuit.