A Little Fish

When I was about six I had major surgery due to a mastoid growth. The experience began with a severe earache, which was ignored until my grandmother insisted that I be taken to a doctor. Thank God for grandmothers. The doctor informed my mother that if she had waited one more day I would probably not have lived. That night my father, who was a cook, told me I could have anything I wanted for dinner. I chose smelt. It is a little fish he fried and was my favorite.

I didn't realize until this morning that by giving me this power of choice he was also expressing his love and concern for me in the only way he knew how.I am sorry I didn't realize that at the time.

The next step was to be admitted to the hospital, I believe around midnight. I have no memory of either of my parents or my grandparents staying in the hospital with me nor do I have any memory of anyone explaining what was going to happen to me. I do know that the nurses did not expect me to survive the surgery. When I mentioned this to my mother many years later, she said I had probably heard them talking.

My next memory was of laying on a gurney in a hallway just outside the operating room- alone. Thinking back to what a 6 year old would be feeling having had no preparation, I imagine I was petrified. Then I remember being in the operating room and the doctor yelling at the attendants because I was not asleep yet. then the gas mask and counting. For many years I had the sensation that I was was being smothered, but it was only the memory of the mask, realized through a hypnosis session.

I did survive the surgery and know that I lived because penicillin had just become available. I do remember the shots, a lot of them. I only remember my parents visiting once bringing my younger brother. He sat on the end of my bed and it made me angry. I no doubt thought,this was my time for attention go away. He was 13 months younger than I was and literally cheated me out of having a childhood of my own. I even missed going to kindergarten because he didn't want me to go.

Today I believe this experience sparked a life time fear of abandonment which led to many negative choices as an adult. When you are afraid to be alone you accept abusive behavior from others because something is better than nothing. I believe it is the exact reason women stay with physically abusive partners.

Sometimes experiences happen so that we can realize what is really going on in our life and remove the block. This happened to me Tuesday when my blood pressure rose to 200/98. It had been a bit erratic for a week or so and my intuition said you better see what it is doing. When I saw it was that high I panicked and it of course, made the situation worse. Following my logical mind I took some medication I had to try to bring it down.

Then my illogical mind took over and it said, "You have nobody in your life that you can depend on, what if you have a stroke or heart attack and there is nobody to even know you died?" I ended up going to the emergency room, which I was trying to avoid because I have no insurance. I was afraid I would be admitted. I survived, but the experience caused me to realize that I do have a fear of abandonment and now that I know where it came from I can take steps to deal with it.

I can depend on myself and my strong connection with my soul and my Creator, which is all I ever needed to face any challenge. I can stop taking crap from the people in my life who are dishing it out. I can focus on the people in my life who truly care about my welfare. Maybe I'll even take a trip to the pacific northwest and find someone who can offer me a plate of freshly fried smelt.