Faith vs. fear

Quite often the idea for a blog post comes from something a friend has said that has made me think about my own life. I think that's the way the universe works, if we pay attention. This happened today when listening to someone talk about which came first, faith or fear.

I have no memory of going to church as a young child. My parents were not religious. Between ages five and six I developed an ear infection and it led to surgery. Apparently I was not expected to live. I don't recall being afraid, even though I was admitted to the hospital the night before the big event. I don't even remember if my parents stayed with me that night. The next morning I remember being left alone on a gurney outside the operating room. That was scary and I believe it led to years of feeling abandoned. I still was not afraid of the surgery.

I now have reason to believe that during the operation I had an out of body experience. I remember sitting on the knee of a man who asked me if I wanted to stay with him or continue to live my life. I apparently agreed to go on living because 82 years later I am still here.

To this day I remember that after I came home I had developed a strong personal relationship with the man I now believe was my Creator. Up to that point I had never been taught anything about God. I somehow knew about the life/death experience. I believe that is when faith began for me.

I have always had a personal relationship with God that has never needed a building or a man behind a pulpit.

Fear, on the other hand, no doubt developed gradually because I simply forgot to have faith. It seems I need an attitude adjustment. I can do that!

Change is good

Wearing a mask, I took care of my yearly eye exam yesterday, to satisfy the MVD. It was four months early because my optometrist is retiring this month. I have been going to this same man for over forty years. As I left the office I made the comment, "I guess this is the last time I will ever come into this building". Even though the staff laughed it made me a little sad.

I am slowly getting back to a different view of normal. I previously mentioned that I resumed a treatment plan with my chiropractor. It had been put on hold due to the pandemic. I have been seeing her since she came to Grants, NM, eleven years ago. Before that I had been seeing someone who had also retired to take care of his wife.

The next step on getting back to a little more normal is a visit to my dermatologist in another week. I have a recurring problem that if I don't get it taken care of will become worse. I am not thrilled with the PA I was seeing before the pandemic so I am secretly hoping she will not be the person to do the exam. Nothing she previously prescribed fixed the problem I am having.

During the last few months I have been able to take care of some renovations on my house. Not spending money elsewhere has allowed me to save more than usual, which in turn has allowed me to get the needed work done.

I have come to the conclusion that change is not always a bad thing. The bad thing is that our minds resist change, but the mind can be retrained!

Father's Day 2020

My father died 53 years ago so he didn't have a relationship with my two youngest children. For some reason he didn't attend my high school graduation in 1956 or my first wedding in 1959. I don't have a lot of positive memories of him because my mother pretty much ruled the family. I do have a picture taken sometime in the 50s of my father, his mother, brother and two sisters.

Wherever you are, happy Father's Day!

Making a list

I just found a suggestion for finding out why some of my relationships did not work out. It was, make a list of things you are looking for in someone else. After I did that I could clearly see why some of mine met with a dead end. I could also understand the reason why some have lasted so long.

This is my list of what I am looking for in a relationship. The order for some may change, but number one will always be in first place. It is the most important and truly explains to me why I have been divorced twice and certain family members have taken a hike.

1. Honesty
2. Caring about others
3. Spiritual awareness
4. Loyalty
5. Sense of humor
6. Intuitive
7. Creative

I think making a list of what you want is a great way to see what is going on in your life.

Math stupidity

I have had it with the virus counting. I am wondering if they have complete idiots posting the numbers or did they just fail math in school?

Last Wednesday Cibola County,NM had a virus count of 170 with 52 in Grants. The next day the county number only increased by 2 but Grants moved up from 59 to 73. How is that even possible?

Yesterday the county was 184 and Grants was 80. Do you suppose that is because there is more testing being done? Not that the tests are even correct. I heard of a person who had three tests done in one day at different places. Two came back negative and one positive.

Another amazing fact is that all eight deaths in the last three months in Cibola County have had underlying conditions. What in the hell does that mean? I know of at least one woman listed, who died of a heart attack, because she didn't take her heart medicine.

I would suggest you stop watching the numbers and just take care of yourself.

Wounds

For several weeks my Sunday morning ritual has included listening to the podcast presented by Bob Luckin and his wife Judith. This morning Bob talked about personal wounds and healing. Although I can't participate in the current, Black Lives Matter movement, I do also have wounds that have lasted all my life. They have never properly healed.

In a way I can understand how black citizens feel. They have been taught by history and experiences to not feel worthy, to feel less than others.

My experiences began as a child when I was replaced by a brother when I was 13 months old. I don't think either of my parents intended to be parents. My childhood was spent living in places I didn't feel comfortable bringing friends to. I don't recall one single teacher who went out of her/his way to see that I had value.

I spent 13 years married to a womanizer who added to the job of deflating my self esteem. Next came 27 years surviving a marriage to a person who had been an alcoholic since he was a teenager. His drinking, work and his family always came first. That's forty years of my life that was spent as an invisible person. 

In my 80th year, except for my oldest son, my immediate family members have chosen to delete me from their lives. They apparently have no memory of the struggles I endured trying to raise them to be adults, mostly alone. They have made heroes of others with questionable parenting skills. That kind of reminds me of making a saint out of George Floyd.

For the last 20 years I have tried to forget about what has happened and move on with my life. It is not working. All those negative experiences keep popping up like corks in a body of water. The surgeries I have had during my life do not compare with the pain of being treated like I do not exist.

According to Bob, the only way healing can occur is to rip the bandage off and expose the wound. Alright family I am doing that- let the healing begin!

Goodbye

Sometimes the Universe steps in and removes people from my life that shouldn't have been there is the first place. This happened twice in he last week.

The first time it was my former son-in-law, Christopher Stoughtenger. The man was married briefly to my only daughter. When my grandson was less than a year old this wonderful man moved back to New York to live with his father and step-mother. He left his son to be raised by my daughter. The reason I know this is because I was the one who filled in the missing gap for many years. During 18 years he had almost no contact with his son. My grandson just graduated from high school and apparently decided to fly from New Mexico to New York, in the middle of a pandemic, to visit his biological father and his four half brothers, whom he had never met.

Knowing that my grandson has asthma I was concerned when I found out about what he had done. I was worried about his safety. I sent a Facebook message to my former son-in-law asking how long the visit would be. The response I got was, "I don't want to be rude, but if you want to know anything about his plans, contact him or his mother." In another message he said, "Don't ever send me a message again, I don't want to talk to you ever again." 

The second time happened yesterday. I had posted information about the fact that George Floyd is not the "saint" he has been portrayed to be. A FB friend had a problem with what I posted and deleted me. I was happy because this woman had been added to my writing site, never fit in and eventually removed herself from the group.

These two people will not be missed and I thank the Universe for eliminating them for me!

Sick and tired!

Black people might be sick and tired of being sick and tired, but I am too!

No, I am not black. I am a mixture of French, Scottish, Swedish and English. I have outlived most of my immediate family and two ex-husbands. I am sick and tired of being treated like I don't exist by two of my three children and my grandchildren. This really sucks!

I have given and given until there is no more left to give. It's a damn good thing I have learned to take care of myself, because my family doesn't give a shit if I am alive or dead!

So maybe I am not black, but I am sick and tired of this shit!

Hair hair everywhere

When one has short hair and four months goes by without a haircut, there is a problem. I have tried to be patient. I mean this can't go on forever right? Last week the Governor opened the hair salons in my County, with restrictions. I decided to check with my hairdresser to see if she could fit me in for an appointment. I had to wait a week, but I have an appointment in a couple of days.

Am I nervous? Yes, I am, even though I was told all the rules for spacing clients and sanitizing etc. will be followed. My desire to get a haircut outweighed my nervousness. I guess it's a matter of trust and faith.

I had the same feelings when I started back with my chiropractor. As I noticed how careful she was being my nervousness calmed down some. Before the virus disrupted things I was in the middle of a treatment plan for pain being caused by the sciatic nerve. We have now resumed the plan.

With any luck at all my life is slowly recovering and I am looking forward to less hair!  

In our little town

The following is an excerpt from one of my Amazon E-book, "Spirits of Cibola County". It was recalled because I began thinking about the suffering in the news today. It is not new.

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            Always make room to change your mind, sometimes you need time to think. With the diversity in Grants, New Mexico one would assume color is not an important issue. It probably isn’t if one belongs to a majority group. Being black in a small town that mostly isn’t is a challenge Frank H. has faced since he first set foot in town.

            It was a December day in 1957 when Frank, his brother and a friend stepped out of a restaurant into the waiting arms of the local police department. He thought they were just being friendly. The group soon discovered jail was their destination.

            The next day a call was made to a preacher in Farmington, NM on their behalf. When the preacher was told they had been arrested for suspicion, he made some threats of his own, with positive results. He informed the officer that he would send in the National Guard if they were not immediately released.

            This was not the first or last time Frank experienced prejudice in his lifetime. As a young man he was drafted into the Army at Fort Bliss. At the time it was still segregated. He recalled living off base in a run down motel and being issued a meal ticket for food at a restaurant. Frank complained about the way he was treated, which attracted the attention of a commander. After talking about it, the commander saw his point and also recognized that he might be officer material.

            Frank told him that he really wanted to join the Air Force. He was granted a discharge and given a ticket home. Realizing that the Air Force was volunteer and noting Fort Benning, Georgia was having serious racial problems, Frank chose not to report for duty. He was arrested as a deserter. After checking out his discharge papers the judge released him. Because Frank moved to another state, mail had problems catching up to him. It took ten years for the Government to change his draft status.

            Frank and his wife Jessie have raised their five children in Grants.  He was a lead man for Kerr Megee and a crew leader at United Nuclear and at one point had two auto repair shops. Now he owns and operates his own auto repair business. He wanted a business partly to give his children a place to work if they had problems finding a job. One daughter is an expert mechanic. Frank likes to give people a chance to work and encourages education.

            He admits he has always stood up for himself as a human being. When he was a teenager his parents really thought he would be killed. He looked people in the eye instead of at the ground. He also had white female friends, which was not tolerated at the time.

            Frank has the unique distinction of having Indian blood. He is one fourth Crow and one fourth Cherokee. When his family lived in Hobbs, NM blacks could go places Indians could not. People were afraid of the Indians, who often stayed with the blacks.

            Frank is very active in his church and says he lives his life from Genesis to Revelations. He enjoys checking on the residents of Grants Good Samaritan Center, Visiting them makes him realize his life is not so bad after all.

             His goal for the future is to help people realize that they are all children of God and are brothers and sisters. He illustrated his desire with a true story. One day he was driving several of his grandchildren in a truck and they were fighting about who would sit next to him. One child announced he was her grandfather and another made the emphatic point he was her grandfather too.

The twenty dollar joke

Yesterday began when my son asked if I had change for a twenty dollar bill. Checking, I asked what he really needed, He said, $15. I had a ten and a five so I gave that to him. He handed me the twenty. I figured I would get change when I went to the grocery store later in the day, so I could give him the other five.

I have to add an incident that happened when I parked in the grocery store parking lot because I somehow believe it is part of the joke. As I looked up into the sky I clearly saw the face of a smiling head who looked like a man. I don't believe I knew him, but I made a mental note of the sighting.

I then went into the store and did my shopping. In the meat department I noticed butterfly shrimp at a good price and knew I had a $2 off coupon. I began digging around for it, located it and put it with a couple others I planned to use.

When I checked out I asked the checker if I could get some change. I dug around in the small purse I was carrying and couldn't find the $20 bill. I wondered where it went, because I knew I had included it in the contents of the purse.

Driving home I decided I must have dropped the bill on the floor when I was searching for the shrimp coupon. I thought, "Oh well it must have made someone happy when they picked it up." There really wasn't anything I could do about it.

After unloading the groceries I reached into my pants pocket for what I thought was the receipt. I pulled out the $20 bill! I concluded I had been set up for a huge joke.

This morning I found the quote, "In the next moment anything can happen" and knew I had to share my story of the $20 joke.

What will make a difference?

In thinking about the upcoming election I am wondering what will make a difference? I have a feeling that Mr. Trump has talked himself out of the office he has become so comfortable in. I could be wrong, of course. For awhile I thought who Mr. Biden chooses as his female running mate would make a difference. And perhaps it will to a certain extent. In my own State of New Mexico females are running over "the good old boys" who have held their offices forever.

This morning, after thinking about all those protestors marching for peace, I came up with an entirely different conclusion.

What do they mostly have in common, other then they are sick and tired of the how this country is being run? Pretty much all of them are young. Many of them have never voted before in a presidential election.

This is your time boys and girls! You can change the course of history, simply by exercising your right to vote! Just do it!!  

Mixed thoughts

Yesterday was a day of mixed thoughts and opinions with people in my life. The day began with a conversation with my home repair person about what's going on in the world. He is a Trump supporter and I am not. We can have an intelligent conversation even though we have different points of view. I'm not going to convince him and he is not going to convince me to change our minds, but there are things we agree on. Besides that he is doing a great job on my house!

Next I had a phone conversation with a long time friend. She is also a strong Trump supporter and thinks he is God's gift to something. Interestingly, she is a registered Democrat. I am too, although that is only because you have to register as something or you can't vote. She claims she did not and will not vote for any Democrats and made the comment that she hoped I made the same choice. Who I vote for is really none of her business! During the conversation she made the comment that the Democrats already had their convention, maybe I missed that? She also made the comment that the virus, riots and pretty much any negative action was the fault of the Democrats to keep Trump from getting elected again. Seriously?!

I really thought this person was an intelligent being until this phone conversation. After I hung up I wondered if she was suffering from a form of dementia or was she simply brain washed?

Anyway, a little later I had an in person conversation with a neighbor whom I hadn't talked to in some time. We agreed that we both had little respect with the current leader of the U.S. I shared with her that I had really expected him to be assassinated a long time ago.She said she did too. We kind of passed around what might happen with this election. I made the statement,"Even if Trump is elected I don't think he will live very long." That would make whomever is the VP, the next president. There have been eight others in the history of the U.S. that this jump has happened to.

The events that will be happening will be interesting and I am happy I get to observe them from my quiet little town of Grants, NM