I just finished a book titled Butterfly Dreams, whose main
character I related to so very well. Of course, the details were nothing like my
life, but the phobia this person had could have been mine.
She had spent most of her adult life telling herself she had
a life threatening problem. Every time she felt the least bit odd she talked herself
into believing that was a sign that something horrible was about to happen to
her. She went so far as to believe that she would have a heart attack and die.
Although I don’t go quite that far, I have believed on more
than one occasion that I would end up in the hospital or be alone with no help
in sight. I guess it goes along with a
lifetime problem of abandonment issues. I am really not quite sure where that
came from but it sucks. To believe that nobody cares is not a pleasant way to
live a life.
I had trouble finishing this book after I saw myself in the
story, but I did because I wanted to know how the story ended. She did finally
connect with a man who actually did have a life threatening heart problem. He
turned out to be a wonderful role model, teaching her to live each day to the
fullest and ignore what her brain was telling her. Her fear was unfounded as
every medical test she had proved there was nothing physically wrong with her.
I believe sometimes we grow up believing that we deserve the
worst instead of the best the universe has to offer. The cause often begins
with a negative parent, constantly fueling the flame. It sometimes takes a very
strong positive person to convince us otherwise.
Apparently I haven’t
connected with that person yet, but I am still here so perhaps there is time.
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