What would she do?

When I was 34 and the divorced mother of two sons 6 and 12, I decided to marry again. The man I chose was my age and had never been married himself. After awhile I began thinking that I would really like to have another baby. It would be great to have a little girl. I was in excellent health and saw no reason why my wish could not be granted.

I prayed and prayed and nothing happened except that my wish became an obsession. When I found out someone I knew was expecting it made me furious because she didn’t even want a baby. The years went by. My sons got older and still no little sister. I decided I might as well give up and just accept the fact that I was not meant to have another child.

Shortly after my 41st birthday I was not feeling well, which was very unusual for me. I decided to go to the doctor to see what was wrong. To my surprise I discovered I was pregnant. I was told that because of my age I would be sent to a specialist in Albuquerque, which was about 75 miles away from where we lived. I personally saw no reason for that, but figured the doctor knew what she was doing.

My first appointment with my gynecologist brought more news that I wasn’t expecting. Although everything looked great, he decided that again, because of my age, I was going to be scheduled for an amniocentesis test to determine if the baby was Down syndrome. There is a 1 in 1,295 chance at age 20 and a 1 in 85 chance at age 40. Until he said that I did not have one thought that my baby would be anything but perfect.

One of the problems with this test is that the mother has to be between 15 and 20 weeks to collect the amino fluid. There is also a small chance that the inserted needle could cause a miscarriage. The worrying was very stressful.

The six years I had spent waiting for God to answer my prayers for a baby were nothing compared to waiting for the test to be done and then waiting another two weeks for the extracted cells to grow. When the time came to get the answer and the doctor called me I was in for more waiting. The cells didn’t grow properly and the growing time needed to be repeated.

It was finally time for my next appointment and the waiting was over. The doctor had the results. Before he gave them to me I said, “I don’t want to know the sex if the baby is going to need to be aborted.” I knew I would feel worse if that was the case and I was carrying a girl. With a big smile he announced your baby is a healthy girl.

My daughter, Christina Maria, was born a few months later weighing 6 lbs 6 ½ oz. Her birth could not have gone better if I had been twenty. Her brothers were then 18 and 13, causing her to be pretty much raised as an only child. I believe choosing to relive the role of a new mother at the age of 41 is one of the things that has kept me feeling much younger than most of my peers.

The day before this child turned 31, August 30, 2010, she sent me an email informing me that she no longer wanted me in her life. I was told the only way I could contact her was by email and she would only answer if she felt like it. She has kept the promise she made to herself during the last five years, rarely acknowledging my existence; not even when I spent two weeks in our local hospital in 2011, following emergency surgery.

It has been hard for me to accept that the child I prayed so hard to conceive has turned into an uncaring adult. To my knowledge all I did was overprotect her, which I have since apologized for.

It is now 2015 and I am again facing surgery. I sent her an email yesterday with the details and received absolutely no response. I keep thinking about the TV show What Would You Do? It causes me to wonder what she would do if I didn’t survive my current surgery. Not that I am planning on that particular outcome, but anything is possible.

Connecting the universal dots

I have been making lists of things I need to do or purchase before my hospital stay. The first thing on that list was a short robe. I wanted it to be light weight, long enough to cover what most hospital gowns don't and open down the front. Other than that I had no idea what I was looking for. This morning I was in town taking care of some errands when my intuition kept bugging me to stop by Bealls and see if they might have something. I knew my only other choice was Walmart. That's one of the joys of living in a small town.

Deciding it wasn't going to hurt to check things out I entered Bealls and walked to the small area of the store where robes would be found. It was a disappointing trip as I found nothing suitable.

Walking back to the front of the store I stopped at a 50% off sale rack with odds and ends of apparel. Apparently I had arrived at the exact spot I had been led to locate. This is a picture of what I purchased, Not exactly what I had in mind, but it perfectly met my needs. The fringe is certainly going to get a lot of attention as I stroll around the hospital halls after my surgery.

As I paid for the slightly outrageous item I discovered it was not only 50% off, but the sales clerk added another 40% discount because I choose to use my Bealls credit card. From $36 the price ended up being $11 plus tax. I would say that was a pretty good bargain.

Now here is where my story may be a little hard for some to believe.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about my maternal grandmother who died in July 1984. There are many conversations I would love to have with her, regarding things I was not aware of during the time she was alive. She is really the only one who could answer the questions I now have due to my own enlightenment.

As I was looking at the picture I took of my new robe, the fringe just popped out, and I knew without a doubt who the soul was that had led me to my purchase this morning. I also knew my grandmother has my back in more ways than one.

Shortly before my grandmother's human life ended I had made her a yellow crocheted shawl and it had white fringe as a border. I was told she loved it because I made it for her. My mother's reaction when she saw it was, "Where did THAT THING come from?"

That may give you a clue why my grandmother was closer to me than my mother could ever be.

This ends today's journey of following my intuition and connecting the universal dots.

Water water everywhere

Somebody turned on the universal faucet and the rain just keeps coming down. It doesn't rain all day, but starts about the time people are heading home from work. I'm sure it makes driving a joy. My son works at the women's prison, a short distance from the house. Ordinarily that would be great, except for yesterday. The road in front of the prison has been torn up due to construction of the new mid school in the area, leaving huge holes in the road. So much rain came down last evening that it covered the holes and made the road a giant lake so he couldn't see them.

We had dinner by candlelight last night because the electricity kept going out.

On another note my bathroom ceiling has been leaking every night since the water began coming down. I have someone trying to fix the problem, but he has a full time day job. By the time he gets off work the rain has started again. Every morning I wake up to a bucket filled with water from the drips.

We have been trying to catch up with the weeds, but that isn't working out well either. My son purchased a weed wacker and made a good start a couple days ago. Because the rain comes down in buckets about the time he gets off work he hasn't made much progress since then.

One good thing, I don't need to go to the car wash. My vehickle gets a free cleaning every night thanks to the water that is everywhere.

Just write

My life is getting ready to change once again and I have been mentally preparing for the event. Many of you know that I will no doubt have hip replacement surgery in the near future. It is not something I am looking forward to, but it looks as if a magic fairy is not going to make the pain go away. I was really counting on that too!

I have been trying to get things done around the house so that I do not come home to a jungle of weeds or a little disaster like my current leaking roof, which is now being repaired. I have been given one of the top five orthopedic surgeons in New Mexico so the surgery isn't really bothering me that much. Not that it is something I want to do on a regular basis. What is bothering me is the recovery.

That isn't really up to the doctor it is up to me. How much time and effort I desire to spend on recovery is my choice. Do I want to be incapacitated for the rest of my life? Absolutely not! I want to heal and literally get back on my feet just as soon as possible. Whether I will be in a rehabilitation facility or at home accessing therapy we have locally is yet to be decided.

When I first started thinking about that choice I really felt I would rather be at home. Then I decided I was looking at the situation all wrong. I think it rose from my former life as a control freak! I mean, who would take care of things if I was away from home for a couple of weeks? I have two cats and a dog and stuff that needs attention. Gee, perhaps my son, who has been living with me for the past year, could take my place when he gets home from work. It isn't that he isn't capable, it's just that I never ask him to do much around the house. There seems to be a faulty connection there somewhere.

Readjusting my thought waves I decided to think of a possible stay away from home as a vacation. I would have nothing to do except focus on recovering; no cooking no housework etc. It was 1987 when I last had a vacation, sort of. Have you noticed that mothers don't actually take vacations, they just move their duties from one place to another, plus packing and unpacking and washing the clothes before and after?

Now that my mind has been readjusted I have a more relaxed view of my pending experience. I know I will be bored having to give up my computer and especially Facebook and I can't afford a laptop just now. Perhaps that's a good thing though. Just maybe my friends who are busy with their own lives will eventually wonder where I am. I know it is true that we often don't appreciate things/people until we no longer have them. Could work!

I have been reading Kindle books for some time on my PC and I suppose I could purchase a Kindle reader to continue to do that. I have found I really enjoy checking into other author's minds through the written word.

I would have to give up writing this blog for a while. Needing to find a more primitive method of writing, I purchased two writing tablets at the dollar store, each containing 100 pages. Funny thing is I keep staring at these empty pages and asking myself, how do I start and what am I going to write?

That question reminded me of the first post I wrote for this blog back in November 2009. My daughter, who was helping me set it up, prompted, write something. It also reminds me of the first day of this year's Children's Writing Camp and the advice I gave our students. That was, if you are going to be a writer the first thing you need to do is just write.

I am ready

Today I saw a quote that I really like. “Tell the Universe you are ready to release your struggle and the Universe and you will create a way."

Could it really be that simple I wondered?

I have been in physical and emotional pain for several years and I am ready for it to stop. I was not born to be a victim; even though that’s the role I have been playing lately. I may have been born blonde, but I am by no means stupid.

There have been many people that I have allowed to run my life for me because I was convinced that they are tuned into Universal power that is only given to a certain few. That reminds me of a question a priest once asked me, “Is anyone holier than anyone else?”

My gut answer was no.

Today there are many souls out there practicing all kinds of spiritual games and it is easy to be convinced that they have a direct path to the source of all wisdom. I have news, we all do. The problem is we just don’t remember. Over time we have been beaten down by experiences to believe that we are less than.

Lately I have been observing with interest a man who has tons of followers and sends short videos out on Facebook. Every time I view one I think, what he is putting out there is simply common sense. He isn’t any smarter than I am. The difference is, he paid money to be able to proclaim himself a leader, and charge people to follow him.

What this all boils down to is I’m going to give this idea a try and see what happens. Are you ready Universe, because I am ready to release my struggle!

Beginnings and endings

Today is July 1st and it is a very important beginning in my life. It is the day my new health insurance starts. I am now totally covered for anything the universe may decide to throw at me. I have not had anything even close to that since July of 1999 when my husband of 27 years and I were officially uncoupled with the rap of a gavel. Like a cherry on top of a delicious sundae, my current credit rating is also excellent; a fantastic achievement for someone living on Social Security.

To me these facts represent my final act of declaring to the universe that the only human I am now responsible for is me and I am doing a damn good job!

In looking back I see the month of July has brought about many beginnings and endings in my life. In 1959 my first husband and I were married, in 1984 my maternal grandmother died, in 1987 my mother died, in 1999 my second husband and I were divorced, and now comes 2015, marking what I consider another big change in my life.

My intuition is telling me that this July will offer an abundance of positive changes for me, as it also means that I only have six months left to finish another seven year life cycle. Time after time I have been given experiences that test my strength and faith. Although I felt I was alone most of the time, each struggle was simply meant to show me that I have the power inside to handle anything and not only survive but thrive.

So today I am celebrating my independence by having lunch with a new friend who just retired and is enjoying the beginning of her new life. I know she is a soul who was sent to make sure I do not stray from my current path.