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Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Wearing a happy smile

Growing up I had few friends and I assumed there was something wrong with me. It had to be that I was not as smart, as attactive, as rich, as athletic, as talented or as who knows what else as my peers were. It just never occured to me that the problem could be in my mind.

Being a shy child I always prayed the teacher would just forget I was in the class room when looking for someone to call on for an answer. When I view early photos of me I see a smiling, even pretty, face that looks as if I had the world by the tail. I wonder what happened to change my perception. Perhaps I will never know, but that doesn't mean that it is impossible to change back, striving to recapture that happy smile.

When you do not believe in yourself you can't expect anyone else to believe in you. I know that and in fact wrote it somewhere in one of my published books. Today I wonder why it took so long for those words to register. Not believing in me led to collecting all sorts of garbage, attaching itself like an anchor, keeping me buried in muck most of my adult life. It has taken me many years to gadually pull myself out of the debris.

First I had to turn on the light and really see who I had become. I didn't like who I saw one bit. I set out to change that person into someone I could really like and desire to have as a best friend. I began reading books to aid in my goal. I started writing things down, which eventually led me to become an author. I didn't see that coming at all. Me an actual published author- wow!

People started listening to what I had to say and encouraged me to continue on my path, although I still didn't believe I was special. All I was doing was sharing experiences that had been part of my journey. I often heard comments from others such as, "you are so inspirational", "you have helped me with a problem I had" or "that is just what I needed to hear today."

Before long I was asking myself, what did other people see that had not yet penetrated my brain? Perhaps I should read what I had written, a suggestion a former friend had actually posed. Or as another friend put it, "check your archieves." Perhaps I should have listened because what I was writing was very inspirational. As I read, I realized it was coming from my heart with the assistance of a muse, whom I later saw as a guide.

As I looked further into my current life I saw a multitude of loyal friends from all over the world, who were helping me get over whatever had caused the negative change in the little girl who started out smiling at her life. I know from my own experience that the greatest gift the universe can offer us is to have friends who care as much about our well being as we care about theirs. True friendship is worth more than a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and will always bring a smile to anyone's lips.

Even though friends are a wonderful gift I have often allowed people to take up more space in my life than they should have. Depending on them for thoughts and actions always took me right back to not believing in me, because living for others stunts personal growth.

Every now and then I weed my garden of friends and eliminate the ones who are literally strangling the life out of me. I believe our creator intentionally puts souls on our path to act as giant mirrors for us to see how far we have come on our own journey. Often they reflect who we were and who we never want to be again. It certainly explains why certain souls have left my life as a puff of smoke.

One of those souls in particular had such a strong essence that it took me what seemed like forever to get past his spirit. He is 100% phony, rude, obnoxious, narcissistic, has no integrity or empathy; his actions never match his words and he is unable to follow through with anything he starts. He is a first class control freak!

Sometimes it is difficult to see the why of my creator's plan because I do not reside in the same realm, but when I do it allows me to take a cleansing breath and wear a happy smile on my face.

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