Today is a day set aside for celebrating independence. Ordinarily I would have driven into town to watch the parade. I have lost track of the number of years I have done just that. This morning I chose to stay home and take care of some important personal things I had put off for some time. I decided to make it a me day.
If you have been following along you know that I have been on a new path to healing. It is called Pattern Release Energetics, created by Dr. James Rolwing. Although I have made a great deal of progress in a very short time I felt that there was something from my past that I have refused to let go of. Why am I resisting healing I wondered. Am I trying to punish myself for terrible things I have been talked into believing? Could be, self talk can be very cruel. Then I thought maybe it was fear. I have dealt with all kinds of fears during my life. Fear of abandonment, fear of the unknown and fear of finding someone to trust are just a few. My third attempt was thinking that guilt, imagined or real, was the culprit.
Then this morning as if answering my question I accidentally read tomorrow's meditation post in the book The Language of Letting Go. The first two words were Survivor Guilt. I took a deep breath and read on. It is a symptom of co-dependency. I may have found gold! It went on to say that when we begin to heal we can also feel guilty about those we left behind. They are the ones who were not as fortunate to find a new path. We can even question why we were so lucky. As I read on I realized this is what I had done my whole life. Taking responsibility for everyone else at the cost of my own well being.
I began looking at the significant people in my life who have never changed and realized that their recovery is none of my business. I am only responsible for my recovery. So today I celebrate the steps I have already taken to heal and look forward to the rest of the journey.