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Saturday, November 12, 2011

Forgiven

Refusing to forgive is no doubt the worst act you can inflict upon yourself. If not careful it can destroy an otherwise perfectly good life. It can cause phobias which in turn lead to life long dysfunctional behavior, affecting relationships with everyone on your path to your own evolvement. The most important being who needs to be forgiven is you.

For true forgiveness you must recognize your part in the conflict, accept your responsibility and forgive yourself for any intentional or unintentional wrong doing.

You cannot forgive another until you first forgive you. It often requires going back to the scene of the “crime” and looking at it from a bystanders view. It gets the ego out of the way. Often the imagined offense will be so silly you just have to laugh, not only at the situation, but at yourself for participating in the first place.

My mother was a very negative being who criticized everything I did until she died in 1987. Because of information I received in 2007, which allowed me to see a trauma in her early life, I finally forgave her- I thought. It was only recently that I realized I still held onto a grudge for something she did when I was a child.

The supposed wrongdoing led me to never being able to trust anyone or anything again. Because I couldn’t trust I became a controlling adult who had to do everything myself. I thought it was the only way things would work out. Well I was wrong!

My ego intentionally attracted people, especially men, who I knew in advance I would never be able to trust. The ego was saying, “See I told you so.”

I went on to do and say things that I knew would alienate others just to hear the ego again chant, “See I told you so.”

A chain of events has just occurred in my real life that has allowed me to step back and view the root of this problem. It all began many years ago and it had to do with the fact that I had never forgiven my mother for something that she did way back in 1942. It was not even a conscious act on my part, but it had caused negative things to happen all of my adult life.

I had experienced an extremely painful earache in my left ear for a couple of days. My grandmother finally convinced my mother that I needed to see a doctor right away. She was right. I was immediately scheduled for surgery and my mother was told that if she had waited another day I would not have lived.

A couple of months ago I experienced a similar situation, but this time I was in charge. I had been in excruciating stomach pain for two days and in the middle of the night finally went to the ER for help. I was informed the next day that if I had waited for another day I would not have lived.

I am now able to forgive both myself and my mother because I realize that we both simply made a human mistake that could have resulted in my death.

So mom on this November 12, 2011 you are finally forgiven and I love you!

2 comments:

  1. Oh Barbara,

    What a beautiful expression of forgiveness to yourself and for your mother!

    A beautiful post!

    XOXO

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  2. As always thank you Maria! xoxo
    How easy it is to bury oneself in unnecessary muck!

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