Faith vs. fear

Quite often the idea for a blog post comes from something a friend has said that has made me think about my own life. I think that's the way the universe works, if we pay attention. This happened today when listening to someone talk about which came first, faith or fear.

I have no memory of going to church as a young child. My parents were not religious. Between ages five and six I developed an ear infection and it led to surgery. Apparently I was not expected to live. I don't recall being afraid, even though I was admitted to the hospital the night before the big event. I don't even remember if my parents stayed with me that night. The next morning I remember being left alone on a gurney outside the operating room. That was scary and I believe it led to years of feeling abandoned. I still was not afraid of the surgery.

I now have reason to believe that during the operation I had an out of body experience. I remember sitting on the knee of a man who asked me if I wanted to stay with him or continue to live my life. I apparently agreed to go on living because 82 years later I am still here.

To this day I remember that after I came home I had developed a strong personal relationship with the man I now believe was my Creator. Up to that point I had never been taught anything about God. I somehow knew about the life/death experience. I believe that is when faith began for me.

I have always had a personal relationship with God that has never needed a building or a man behind a pulpit.

Fear, on the other hand, no doubt developed gradually because I simply forgot to have faith. It seems I need an attitude adjustment. I can do that!

Change is good

Wearing a mask, I took care of my yearly eye exam yesterday, to satisfy the MVD. It was four months early because my optometrist is retiring this month. I have been going to this same man for over forty years. As I left the office I made the comment, "I guess this is the last time I will ever come into this building". Even though the staff laughed it made me a little sad.

I am slowly getting back to a different view of normal. I previously mentioned that I resumed a treatment plan with my chiropractor. It had been put on hold due to the pandemic. I have been seeing her since she came to Grants, NM, eleven years ago. Before that I had been seeing someone who had also retired to take care of his wife.

The next step on getting back to a little more normal is a visit to my dermatologist in another week. I have a recurring problem that if I don't get it taken care of will become worse. I am not thrilled with the PA I was seeing before the pandemic so I am secretly hoping she will not be the person to do the exam. Nothing she previously prescribed fixed the problem I am having.

During the last few months I have been able to take care of some renovations on my house. Not spending money elsewhere has allowed me to save more than usual, which in turn has allowed me to get the needed work done.

I have come to the conclusion that change is not always a bad thing. The bad thing is that our minds resist change, but the mind can be retrained!

Father's Day 2020

My father died 53 years ago so he didn't have a relationship with my two youngest children. For some reason he didn't attend my high school graduation in 1956 or my first wedding in 1959. I don't have a lot of positive memories of him because my mother pretty much ruled the family. I do have a picture taken sometime in the 50s of my father, his mother, brother and two sisters.

Wherever you are, happy Father's Day!

Making a list

I just found a suggestion for finding out why some of my relationships did not work out. It was, make a list of things you are looking for in someone else. After I did that I could clearly see why some of mine met with a dead end. I could also understand the reason why some have lasted so long.

This is my list of what I am looking for in a relationship. The order for some may change, but number one will always be in first place. It is the most important and truly explains to me why I have been divorced twice and certain family members have taken a hike.

1. Honesty
2. Caring about others
3. Spiritual awareness
4. Loyalty
5. Sense of humor
6. Intuitive
7. Creative

I think making a list of what you want is a great way to see what is going on in your life.

Math stupidity

I have had it with the virus counting. I am wondering if they have complete idiots posting the numbers or did they just fail math in school?

Last Wednesday Cibola County,NM had a virus count of 170 with 52 in Grants. The next day the county number only increased by 2 but Grants moved up from 59 to 73. How is that even possible?

Yesterday the county was 184 and Grants was 80. Do you suppose that is because there is more testing being done? Not that the tests are even correct. I heard of a person who had three tests done in one day at different places. Two came back negative and one positive.

Another amazing fact is that all eight deaths in the last three months in Cibola County have had underlying conditions. What in the hell does that mean? I know of at least one woman listed, who died of a heart attack, because she didn't take her heart medicine.

I would suggest you stop watching the numbers and just take care of yourself.

Wounds

For several weeks my Sunday morning ritual has included listening to the podcast presented by Bob Luckin and his wife Judith. This morning Bob talked about personal wounds and healing. Although I can't participate in the current, Black Lives Matter movement, I do also have wounds that have lasted all my life. They have never properly healed.

In a way I can understand how black citizens feel. They have been taught by history and experiences to not feel worthy, to feel less than others.

My experiences began as a child when I was replaced by a brother when I was 13 months old. I don't think either of my parents intended to be parents. My childhood was spent living in places I didn't feel comfortable bringing friends to. I don't recall one single teacher who went out of her/his way to see that I had value.

I spent 13 years married to a womanizer who added to the job of deflating my self esteem. Next came 27 years surviving a marriage to a person who had been an alcoholic since he was a teenager. His drinking, work and his family always came first. That's forty years of my life that was spent as an invisible person. 

In my 80th year, except for my oldest son, my immediate family members have chosen to delete me from their lives. They apparently have no memory of the struggles I endured trying to raise them to be adults, mostly alone. They have made heroes of others with questionable parenting skills. That kind of reminds me of making a saint out of George Floyd.

For the last 20 years I have tried to forget about what has happened and move on with my life. It is not working. All those negative experiences keep popping up like corks in a body of water. The surgeries I have had during my life do not compare with the pain of being treated like I do not exist.

According to Bob, the only way healing can occur is to rip the bandage off and expose the wound. Alright family I am doing that- let the healing begin!

Goodbye

Sometimes the Universe steps in and removes people from my life that shouldn't have been there is the first place. This happened twice in he last week.

The first time it was my former son-in-law, Christopher Stoughtenger. The man was married briefly to my only daughter. When my grandson was less than a year old this wonderful man moved back to New York to live with his father and step-mother. He left his son to be raised by my daughter. The reason I know this is because I was the one who filled in the missing gap for many years. During 18 years he had almost no contact with his son. My grandson just graduated from high school and apparently decided to fly from New Mexico to New York, in the middle of a pandemic, to visit his biological father and his four half brothers, whom he had never met.

Knowing that my grandson has asthma I was concerned when I found out about what he had done. I was worried about his safety. I sent a Facebook message to my former son-in-law asking how long the visit would be. The response I got was, "I don't want to be rude, but if you want to know anything about his plans, contact him or his mother." In another message he said, "Don't ever send me a message again, I don't want to talk to you ever again." 

The second time happened yesterday. I had posted information about the fact that George Floyd is not the "saint" he has been portrayed to be. A FB friend had a problem with what I posted and deleted me. I was happy because this woman had been added to my writing site, never fit in and eventually removed herself from the group.

These two people will not be missed and I thank the Universe for eliminating them for me!