...and the word is um...

If I knew a better word than companion I would voice it to the Universe and perhaps I would finally be given what I am seeking. I can see my guide, whom I call Richard, laughing to himself as I struggle to get past this road block. I can almost hear him mouthing, "you can only have what you ask for." If I knew what that was I would ask and this is not at all funny Richard!

Spiritual mate has always been uppermost on my list. All that got me was a couple of self centered control freaks.

Family hasn't worked out very well either. It put me right back where I was as a wife and mother just, because I am a generous person.

Friend is a good word, but just not strong enough plus I already have plenty of really good ones.

Partner makes me think that I should have a business of some kind.

Associate, no I have no desire to be a lawyer or work at Walmart.

Perhaps the word I'm looking for doesn't even exist in the human mind. I know it's something I have never felt that I had. I have been reading a lot of books lately about relationships, many of them between males and females, from all angles. I have found the ones that last have one thing in common and that is love. Now there is a good word and perhaps exactly what I am seeking and have thus far been afraid to ask for.

Perhaps love isn't really meant to be put into words. It is meant to be felt.

If I could find a human male who had the ability to give the love that my dog Ejay gives I would be very happy. In the meantime I think I will stick with him.

P.S. This post now makes 101 for 2014 just like the famous Dalmatians! Gotcha!

I believe we have a language problem!

Dear Universe, For several years I have been asking for the same thing- a companion. For several years you have sent me your version. Perhaps I did not make my request clear. There seems to be a serious language problem between us.

This situation reminds me of the quote “be careful what you ask for because you just might get it”. I have decided the problem is how you ask for what you want not what you ask for. If there was a Universe- Human dictionary I could purchase we could possibly be on the same wave length. A few years ago the popular expression, “give me a break” gave many people exactly what they asked for. I am very careful never to say that.

Let me go back to when I made my first request. I am not sure of the exact year, but I became single in 1999 after 27 years of experiencing a less than perfect marriage. I gave myself time to adjust to my newly acquired freedom to do as I pleased. Then I realized that although I had absolutely no desire to be married I would very much like a companion.

Around 2000 or so I came to the aid of a female friend who needed a place to live. She had been living with a male friend. It was a non physical relationship but being a small gossip oriented town she had gained a false reputation. I had hoped the move would give me someone to eat dinner with and talk to. It never happened and she moved out after a couple of months to live alone.

About this time you sent a man (again non-physical) whom I strongly felt and still feel was/is a soulmate. Back then I did not know we have many during our time on earth. Although this soul taught me about spiritual concepts that I was not previously aware of, he proved not to be a suitable companion. The relationship was short lived, except in my mind, which carried it on and on.

In 2009 you sent a man as an online companion. Over time this relationship caused me to believe I had found my twin flame soulmate. Many things pointed to this fact. These two men had many things in common, predominately; they are both control freaks and they taught me who I no longer desire to be. I have now concluded that neither were companions; they weren’t even good friends!

Backing off from men I adopted an adorable 10 month old male puppy in December of 2010. Ejay needed a home and I still needed a companion. He is loyal and loving and reminds me of my first dog when I was a child, a Golden Cocker Spaniel named Skippy.

You and I apparently still have a language problem because in June of 2014 my oldest son, who was about to become homeless moved in with me. Although I am happy to have provided help it has brought me back to being a cook and maid. After work and dinner he retreats to his computer in another room. That is not a companion!

So dear Universe it looks as if my first act in 2015 should be to look up “companion” in my dictionary.

A balancing act

In recent years I have realized that my life purpose is to inspire and encourage others to be the best that they can be. It took years and years for me to notice what my life experiences have been building up to. Really looking over an updated resume added clarity to the puzzle. There is a slight problem with this kind of purpose and it is knowing when to help and when to let go. Perhaps balance is the life lesson I am here to work on.

All the jobs I have held in recent years have given me an opportunity to look for and help those who just need someone to notice their struggle to be seen. That may sound strange to some, but I know how it feels to be treated like an invisible person.

This morning I am asking myself how come I know how that feels. It started as a child and like a dust bunny under a bed just got bigger as the years went by. Although my parents provided adequate food and shelter for some reason they were unable to encourage emotional growth. Even though I had a brother 13 months younger than myself I grew up alone, feeling that nobody really cared.

I was the kind of student who did the required work and never got in trouble. One might say I fell through the cracks. Not one adult person took the time to have “the talk” about what I was supposed to do next after high school. No one really noticed that I was a valuable member of society and was a lost soul. So I do know how it feels to be an invisible person.

My life moved on through two marriages and divorces plus the birth of three children. I still felt like an invisible person, often wondering if anyone really cared if I lived or not. Please do not assume by that statement that I ever once considered suicide because that is definitely not the case. I simply continued to struggle in silence to find the thing that I was here to do.

In 1999 during a hypnosis session to stop smoking (BTW it worked) I had a strange experience that I have since shared with few people. As I was sitting in the chair a bolt of lightening came from above and pierced my heart. There was no pain but it certainly got my attention! Thinking about it later I felt it was a wake up call from another realm. At this point in my life I began to delete the negative things that had been clogging my positive energy. Looking back to that day I now see that I had been right; it was a wake up call.

It was then that I began writing and sharing my experiences. I do admit that like many writers I was at first writing for myself. Then something unexpected happened and I realized that I was also helping others just by sharing my experiences. I realized that I was attracting souls who also felt that they were alone and had no value.

I now see that because of my own past experiences I always look for those who are in danger of falling through the cracks. I consciously do everything I can to encourage and inspire them to be the best that they can be; no matter what their age is. It is very rewarding to help others; however, knowing when to let go is still a balancing act that I am working on.

Spirit lives forever

This holiday season I haven't heard many traditional songs because I have not had my radio on. Oddly, most of the ones I have managed to hear have been sung by Bing Crosby, 1903-1977. Just this morning a Facebook friend posted a video of The Little Drummer Boy sung by David Bowie and Bing Crosby. It is almost like his deceased spirit is speaking to me. It causes me to remember that even after our soul/spirit leaves its current human body it never dies. The contributions we make while human live forever.

This is even more true with today's wide range of technology. One of the things I am most grateful for is that I did not let my advanced age keep me from dabbling in the internet and what it offers. If I had not made that move I probably would not be a published author of two books or a blogger or have friends all over the world. Living on Social Security does not allow extra money for publishing, no matter how good the material is, or even traveling. That's sad, but true.

Just yesterday I sent via email a manuscript I finished in 2010 to a friend, living in the UK. Although I have a copyright, it has never been published in the usual manner. After clicking send I began thinking about all the places this particular document has been, via electronic devices. Its journey of course, began in New Mexico and was first shared with select local friends. The words I wrote in Journey of an Enlightened Egotist have been to Ireland, Scotland, England, Australia, Pennsylvania, New York, Illinois, Texas, Nevada, California and no doubt places I am not even aware of.

Not bad for a so far unpublished manuscript and compared to the journey of the two that were actually published it is rather amazing!

Although I have no plans to separate my spirit from my body anytime in the near future, one never knows what action the Universe is planning. Even if I were to suddenly disappear from earth I believe my spirit would live on via the written words that would be left behind.

It's great to live in and be part of an age where this is possible?

Can you hear me?

Yesterday I heard something that not only resonated with my soul, but freed me from continuing a lot of wasted energy. It was "A messenger can only deliver a message to someone who is a vibrational match to the message, so don't wear yourself out saying things to people who don't hear you". It reminds me of the message on a shirt that I once bought for my grandson (which by the way he loved), "I hear you, but I am not listening".

Thinking back I have wasted a ton of energy trying to get people to hear me, some of them members of my biological family. A good part of the time I thought there was something wrong with me. Is it really possible that having 3 grown children and 4 grandchildren only one of those souls is a vibrational match? Wow that's a lot of mismatched souls out there in my family alone!

This last year I have become aware of the difference in energy after connecting with a member of what is known as my tribe; those souls whom I believe have a similar mission in this life time. There is no effort involved in the relationship. It is very much like connecting with a twin you didn't even know you had.

Allowing others to blame me for things that were never my fault has not only made me feel guilty but has kept me from believing in my own worth.

My mission for 2015 is to stop listening to those people and find the missing members of my tribe. Just for fun I am sharing a message from one of my favorite little guys to get the year off to the right start. Can you hear me people?

The cookie trail

Setting the scene for the cookie trail: my ex-husband and I were married for 27 years before we called it quits in 1999. Although we are no longer together we still speak and in recent years have exchanged token Christmas gifts.

Early in our relationship my mother-in-law introduced me to a Spanish cookie called Montecados that had been in her family for an eternity. Eager to please my new husband I tried making them one Christmas. He was happy, I was happy and the cookie trail took root.

I have to admit I never really liked the cookie, which is similar to a biscochito except it uses cinnamon instead of anise, but everyone else seemed to like them. My husband even said mine were better than his mother's. Since the recipe makes a bunch I only made them at Christmas- year after year.

Then came our divorce and I didn't have to make them anymore. Yay!

Sometime during the last 15 years my ex got the recipe from a cousin and started making them himself. Good for him I thought until they became his token gift to me- year after year! No!!

For the last few years I have accepted his cookies and promptly found new homes for them, moving the cookie trail along. For example: the Outreach Mission, which feeds the homeless and the family center for an after school snack for the kids.

In keeping with the spirit of Christmas I am sharing the Montecado recipe so that my readers can continue the cookie trail.

Ingredients: 1 lb. lard, 6 cups flour, 2 cups sugar, 3 eggs plus one yolk, 1 Tb. fresh ground cinnamon.

Directions: roll dough in walnut size balls and press thumb in center. Bake 350 degrees for 10 minutes. Dip baked cookies in mixture of cinnamon and sugar.

Happy cookie trails to you all!

It's still tradition.

For the last few years December 24th has been spent in the company of one of my favorite family members, my young grandson, Colin. For reasons I still do not understand I have not been invited to celebrate the rest of the holiday with immediate family. I had expected that my daughter's plans would be revised this year as her brother is now living with me. Apparently that is not going to happen. It is sad when someone is unable to forgive real and imagined wounds year after year. I feel sorry for her!

As the result of the above situation Colin and I have been able to create our own tradition on Christmas Eve. We eat dinner together and exchange gifts and don't give much thought to the rest of the family. I wasn't sure the tradition was going to happen last night as there was a little miss-communication between us. About 4:30 I decided that even though money is short right now tradition is more important.

First I asked my son, whose birthday happens to be December 25th, if he would rather scrap what I had planned for dinner and go out to eat. With a yes answer I then invited Colin to join us. After a scrumptious dinner at one of our most popular restaurants, followed by a birthday treat for my son, and a double scoop of chocolate ice cream for Colin, we returned home to exchange gifts.

As I went to bed last night I was grateful that no matter what It's still tradition!