Running away

If I could afford it I would run away from home and leave this old house for someone else to deal with. We are told that we are not given more than we can handle. Well looking around I don't believe that. I have reached the end of my rope.

 I  believe that I have angels looking out for me. Perhaps they all took a vacation at the same time.

After spending close to $1,000 in the last few weeks on plumbing repairs my son announced "I think we have another water leak". He was right as he stood in the middle of the floor with a dumb look on his face. I asked if he had taken his shower and he answered no. I replied, "well go take a quick one so I can turn off the water!". Geez did he think the leak was just going to stop on its own? My next move was to put in a call to my plumber. Here we go again...

I have tried to keep this old house in repair since my divorce 17 years ago, but I am getting sick of this crap. Between property tax, house insurance and repair bills I just want to run away. I think my ex got the best of the deal when he moved into an apartment. Since he is part Native American he also gets pretty much all of his medical bills paid, with the added help of Medicare. Every time I hear "poor Don" I want to throw something!

I recall when I started getting Social Security; my benefit was $600 per month plus a small amount I made working part time as a product demonstrator at Walmart. That was my income and I somehow managed. Poor Don was working full time and getting Social Security on top of it + his free medical. What did he do with his money you might ask? He drank it up, just like he did during the 27 years that we were married. 

Okay God/Universe don't you think I have had enough? I do and if I had the money I would run away and start over!

Thinking matters

I just watched the video, "If You Change Your Thoughts You Change Your biology" by Bruce Lipton, Ph..D. It challenged the established finding that genetics is the cause of disease. After watching it I agree with  his scientific findings that "if you change your thoughts you can change your biology".

Through testing Dr. Lipton found that "the primary source that controls our life is our beliefs, and we can control our beliefs".

I found this to be true back in November of 1989 when out of the blue I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. Where did this come from I wondered. In the back of my mind I thought it odd that my mother had died of cancer to a liver duct in 1987 and I felt there was some connection with my cancer. It's probably not what you are thinking.

Today I believe I caused my own cancer situation by focusing on an event that happened just before her death, which caused an enormous amount of guilt on my part.

When I was first diagnosed I didn't think okay this is it I am going to die now. I took it as an untimely inconvenience and just wanted to get done what needed to be done to get back to living. So I had surgery plus six weeks of radiation and did get back to living. I wouldn't do the radiation today because I never thought it was really necessary.  I had an excellent surgeon whom I believed got everything.

I look at people going through cancer now and think, "how come I was so lucky"? Perhaps it wasn't luck at all. Perhaps it  was the fact that I never allowed my brain to accept the fact that it could take my life. It was a mass that needed to be cut out- period.

Even today I can see that my thoughts about my health do affect it. If I take my blood pressure and it is higher than I expect it to be I can ruin my entire day by focusing on that fact. If I just tell myself "write it down and forget it" my day goes by much easier. I know from experience that my thinking matters.

I  agree with Dr. Lipton that diet, exercise and our lifestyle play a part in our health, but the most important element is our beliefs.

No more name calling please

I am getting sick of all the name calling of people running for office and even those in office. Just stop it!

 Accept what is and get over it already! Someone has to win every election whether it is city, State or national. Only one person is going to hold any office. As an example President Obama has been in office for almost 8 years and there are still those who can't resist name calling.

Granted I am not happy about the present candidates running for that office, but there is not a thing I can do about it except vote when the times comes. Name calling is not going to solve anything.

What adults do and say is how our children learn about hate and prejudice. Go back in history and you will find that is true. 

No more name calling please- just stop it! If not for you do it for your children.

Party time

For the last several years I have been registered as a Democrat. I'm not really part of any party, it's just that you have to be registered as something or you can't vote in the primary. I have never voted a straight ticket as some do. I always vote for the person. There was one name in the presidential slot on my ballot that I voted for. It doesn't look like that person will be the Democratic candidate in November, which makes me very unhappy. The Democratic front runner at the present time would never ever get my vote. That also goes for the front runner on the Republican side. No way no how!

With all the negative media coverage regarding the two front runners it will be worth my time to watch the national convention next month. At least it should be more entertaining than hearing about the lives of the current celebrities. Seriously who cares who is divorcing, sleeping with, dating, giving birth to or caught holding hands with? Oh and lets not leave out the leading bathroom thingy. That could change anyone's life.

The only option I have at the moment is to see what happens at the convention. Anything is possible. Please God if you have ever been tempted to step in and offer assistance now is that time.

So come November I am prepared to either write in my candidate's name (I have been told that person is eligible to be hand written in all 50 States) or I just might have to change my party registration to Independent.

A new approach

I am happy to report that not worrying and only allowing a positive answer to the fact that we had no hot water yesterday worked.

My dependable plumber came just as he had promised. He checked out the problem, cleaned a filter that I didn't even know needed cleaning, lit the pilot light and waited to see if it would stay on.

It is still on this morning and we have hot water. $75 is a whole lot better than the $700 it would have cost for a new water heater.

Perhaps this was a lesson in just how my thoughts affect what happens. I have noticed lately that when I ignore any pains I have and just go about doing what I can do they magically go away.

It reminds me of my grandson's attitude when he is playing basketball. He never lets the fact that he is shorter than most of his team bother him. He plays as if. He has been heard to say after an amazing shot, "I shouldn't have been able to do that, but I did."

I think I will try this new approach for awhile and see what it conjures up.

Oh joy!

I should have married a plumber!

In the 17 years since my divorce I have lost track of the number of times I have had to call one of them. This morning was no exception. My son informed me we had no hot water and he had to take a very cold shower. Seriously?! We had hot water when I washed the dishes last night.

Since his announcement came at a little after 7:00 A.M. it was too early to call anyone and I was a little stumped  about just who to call. In the meantime my son checked things out with his basic plumber knowledge and discovered the pilot light was out. He tried to light it with no success so he turned off the gas to the heater, just to be safe.

Next I called an appliance repair person that I know to ask who should I call about the problem. He said a plumber. I then left a message with my trusted plumber with the hope he could stop by and access the problem. He said he is swamped today, but said he would try to find time this afternoon. So now I can only hope it is an ignition problem and I do not need a new water heater. They aren't cheap!

 Killing time I shuffled my angel oracle cards to see what angelic message was in store for me today. The answer was JOY. Are you kidding? JOY! Part of the message was "a joyful outlook brings the freedom you desire". Sure! So I just focus on this being a tiny little problem like a faulty switch or something and I won't have to spend several hundred dollars on a new water heater. I'll let you know tomorrow how that goes and in the meantime I'll try that approach .

Figuring I had done all I could do until my dependable plumber gets here I checked in to Facebook where a post caught my eye. It was, "You are free to think thoughts of worry or joy and whatever you choose will attract the same kind back to you. Worry attracts worry joy attracts joy."

I'm trying I'm trying!

From this day forward

Dear Mother,

It has been 29 years since you left your body and I still relive the last time I saw you, a few days before you took your final breath. It appears I still carry the weight of not being able to say “I love you” as your nurse suggested. Today I am thinking that if I had asked your step-father, my husband and daughter to leave the room we probably could have had at least a one way conversation. Perhaps the problem was also helped along because by then you were in a coma and couldn’t have responded. If you remember we waited to come until you felt it was time. In a sense you had the last word, which is not surprising, since you were always in control of the family. A talent I carried on until I discovered I no longer wanted the job. It appears my daughter has taken over.

It is really difficult to say I love you to someone who was critical of everything I did or said. I remember the last time you came to visit. Everything I did from the way I made my bed to the way I raised my daughter was wrong, according to you. Because of the way I was treated I overprotected my daughter, which has caused a serious break in our relationship, which may never be repaired.

Growing up I never felt loved by you. I never felt that you even wanted to be a mother and that the reason you got married was my fault. Your life long lie that I was premature was typical of the way you dealt with facts. As another example; your last name was never Cole, even though it appeared on my birth certificate as your maiden name. Oh, and full term also appeared plain as day. It causes me to wonder how many other details you chose to lie about. 

There were efforts that you made to do nice things. I keep thinking of some of the clothes you made for me and the bride doll wardrobe you created one Christmas. I really did appreciate it. Along those lines I remember an experience during your brief stint as a Brownie leader. We were embroidering scarves and you loudly criticized my work in front of the rest of the group. 

Even though my first marriage was a big mistake you did not come to the ceremony. If it wasn’t for Nana & Pappy I would have had no family there. I also recall your insinuation that my son was part black because of where his paternal grandmother was born. You also carried negative thoughts against gay people and oh I almost forgot- nuns for crying out loud! Thank God your prejudices did not carry through to my life.  The crowning negative thought you offered was,” never put anything in writing”. Again, thank God I didn’t listen, because I became a very good writer.

To round things up I suppose I can now say I love you, because you could have had an abortion and didn’t. If you had your life probably would have been a lot different, but mine would not even exist.

From this day forward the past is the past and I am letting it go.