Don't blame me

A couple of days ago I had a conversation with my ex-husband in the grocery store parking lot. He was going, I was coming. He had some interesting news to share with me. First he said he had been in the hospital for 10 days, with all sorts of things wrong with him, including pneumonia. Perhaps he should stop smoking? He also shared without emotion, "my kidneys finally gave out and I am on dialysis three times a week".

I also had no emotion hearing his news. He has probably been drinking and smoking since he was 10. Whatever is about to happen, I feel he did it himself. I was drug into his drama for 27 years until the day, 15 years ago, when I had reached my limit and said enough.

Looking back at our relationship I see that we lived in a circle. He drank, then I yelled and called him names, then he drank some more; using me as an excuse for his habit. For many years I think I took the blame, not having the courage to walk out and face life alone.

People don't realize how difficult it is to be married to an alcoholic who is still able to keep a job. On the outside everything looks good, but behind closed doors it is a totally different story. The children of the relationship are not able to understand how emotionally stressful the situation is to the spouse who doesn't drink. Their view is that of a child and they often grow up blaming the wrong parent.

It has taken years for me to realize that I was not to blame. I never once took a bottle or a glass and forced the contents down my husband's throat. He did that all by himself. Hopefully before the end he will take responsibility for his own actions and not blame me.

Flash back

Wow! This morning I saw a Facebook post from a friend stating that she was a 5 year endometrial cancer survivor. It immediately brought back a memory of the fact that I had the same experience 24 years ago. Back then my surgeon told me I would eventually not even think about what happened and he was right. Unless something comes up to trip the memory I leave the whole thing in the past.

The last time I thought about it was 2011 when I faced another surgery for a blocked bowel, due to my previous cancer and radiation treatments, which caused scar tissue. I thought that was totally unfair. Come on over 20 years! One of my funny nurses commented, "Hey you've got time to do this again!" I don't think so.

Every once in a while I bring my cancer experience up because I want people to realize that a diagnoses of the big C does not automatically mean death. I truly believe a positive attitude can work miracles. When my doctor informed me of the facts my response was, "Fix it so I can get on with the rest of my life." She sent me to the best oncologist in the area and he did just that.

This morning's flash back reminded me to be grateful for the people that have come into my life in the form of helpers. Some of them have become life long friends who share the same experiences.

I don't care

What is the message being sent when you ask a family member, what he/she wants for dinner and the answer is "I don't care"?

It has only been since my son moved back home that I have had to think about someone else when planning meals. I personally don't have a problem with eating the same thing a few days in a row. Odd combinations of food were not unheard of. In the last four months I have made a concentrated effort to put more thought into the dinner menu. This morning I ran out of ideas and while he was getting ready for work I asked if he had any brilliant ideas for dinner tonight. His answer was, "not really."

I suppose the positive reaction to that would be that I am doing a good job so far, keep up the good work and just do your thing.

Alright then! Yesterday I made a big pot of green chili stew, tonight I'm going for spaghetti, salad and Texas toast. If you wanted something else- I don't care!

Last anniversary post- I promise

Today's post in celebration of the almost 5 year history of my blog is from 2013 and it was published on 12/25/13 and is titled A True Christmas Story

My Christmas began yesterday when my young grandson,who is the most special person in my life, asked to spend the day with me. It started with bacon and pancakes for breakfast. We then took a short trip to the store to pick up a couple of last minute gifts, hung out the rest of the day and last night enjoyed a peaceful dinner out. Oh I almost forgot we did exchange gifts along the way.

Although it was a very positive experience I knew I had an even more important one coming up this morning as a messenger for our Creator. I got up early and dressed in warm clothes for an errand I knew I was supposed to do, which began with collecting edible goodies in a bag.

Just before I put on my winter coat and gloves to brave the very cold Christmas morning I decided to check the Facebook status of a spiritual friend whom I have unfortunately lost touch with. The words I found on his wall were like a message from the Universe telling me that what I was about to do was exactly what I was supposed to do.

They were: "Was blinded by the Xmas (Christmas) spirit when I found a bag of non-perishables on my back doorstep left by a gentleman from the area- whom I had "helped" on occasion. The man is homeless."

That one word homeless motivated me to move on with my mission. I drove to the Riverwalk with my bag of goodies. I kept praying "lead me to the people I am supposed to give this to". In our little town the homeless can be found most mornings wondering around this area. As I entered the parking lot I saw three people, two men and a woman and knew they were the souls I was assigned to meet. I approached them and asked if they were hungry. They said yes and I handed them my bag and suggested they share the contents. The woman gratefully took it and thanked me.

I'm sure what I offered them must have seemed like a feast on this cold Christmas morning and I hope it restored their faith that someone cared about the true meaning of Christmas.

A day ahead

I decided not to wait until tomorrow to offer the next anniversary post. This one was apparently chosen by my guide/muse. When I tried to print the one I had selected this one printed instead. It was originally published on August 6, 2012 and is titled Play it again. Here it comes...

I just responded to an online test that was supposed to tell me what I wanted from life. The results were: experience,love and health. Oddly, before going to bed last night I wrote down what I believe I am searching for: good health, security and a mate.

The main difference was experience and security. My experiences have taught me what not to do and if I had another chance I would make different choices that would probably have led to current security.

First, I would not have listened to my ego telling me that compared to others I had little value as a person and had no special talent. I would not have listened to my mother and found a way to obtain an education beyond high school, perhaps finding out that I actually am worthy of the best the universe has to offer. That's called self-esteem.

I would have listened to my intuition and not married either of my two husbands; thus avoiding being subjected to their negative addictions. I also would have learned a lot earlier that I am quite capable of taking care of myself without the assistance of a husband. That's called independence.

As far as children go I may have stopped at my first born. Of course, that would have meant no grandchildren. Sometimes we have to deal with the negative to get to the positive. That's called a reward and is often worth the price we have to pay to earn it.

Unfortunately, I only have one chance to live my life. Approaching age 75 and knowing that where I am is the result of the choices I have made is causing me stress. Why didn't I listen to the guidance I was offered? Why didn't I trust that God made me perfect just the way I am?

Compared to many women my age my life would be considered wonderful. I own my house, my car and owe no one anything. I have enough of everything for today and I am truly grateful.

I guess the only thing missing is love.

Well that's it for today. Tomorrow will be my last anniversary post and like my readers I have absolutely no idea what that will be!

Second anniversary installment

This submission was posted on 12/25/11 and it was titled, The big C is here

The big day finally arrived- Christmas is here!

This morning I spent some time thinking about that first Christmas so long ago; about the mother who gave birth in a stable. In some ways I don't think that birth was anymore special than the birth of any other child since that night. We all came from the same source and that pretty much makes us brothers and sisters. I also believe we all have a mission to spread the love of our Creator. We also posses unique tools and a path to accomplish that mission. Some souls just become a little more elevated than others because that's the way it was meant to be.

Probably the tradition of gifts originated with the three wise men bringing their simple offerings of gold, frankincense and myrrh. In today's world the gifts have gotten way out of hand,in my opinion at least. It makes me very sad to see what is piled under the trees when so many would be grateful for a simple meal or a warm place to sleep. I wish I had lived in the days of old when gifts were all hand made with love.

As I look out on my driveway still covered with a foot of snow everything is beautiful and peaceful. The untouched snow is sparkling from the light reflected by the sun. It is going to be a quiet day of reflection for me. Perhaps it will be a day of focusing on what I can personally do to make 2012 a more loving positive year.

Seven more days and it all begins again. It has been a traumatic year of devastation for so many and if people of the world have not learned their lessons there will be more to come. I hope that I will live long enough on this planet called earth to see the positive changes that are possible when love becomes the mantra to live by.

Tune in tomorrow for the third installment titled Play it again.

If the glove fits...

I just noticed that I started writing this blog in November of 2009 making it almost 5 years old. As the memory of my first post came back I asked myself, "what are you trying to accomplish?" Well as I scrolled through the years I found my answer through a post published on 11/7/09. "Yea! I just took another step on my creative journey."

I simply have a desire to share my experiences with others with the hope that something I write will help someone else. If the glove fits...

For the next couple of days I am going to offer one post from each year that I really like. If it fits you are welcome, if not try another. They are free!

1/22/10 Man in her Dream

This is my submission to a recent short fiction contest. It received great feed back from readers including: humorous, a tease, original, clever, well thought out and made the reader think what if?

One morning Kate woke to the sound of a phone ringing. A man with a very pleasant voice said, "good morning, I hope I didn't wake you."

"You did", she answered, "but it was time for me to get up anyway."

"I am the spirit that guided you to where you are today", the man said.

"No way!", she replied,"spirits can't make phone calls to humans."

"They can if God makes it possible", he countered.

"I have not felt your presence for some time, I thought you were gone", she said.

"Not gone, proudly watching you finish the job of becoming who you really are. There is only so much a guide can do", he adding laughing.

"I am grateful to have this opportunity to thank you for helping me grow. I sincerely hope you have been rewarded for your hard work", Kate replied.

"Reward is the reason for this call. Our Creator has instructed me to tell you that your time for harvest has arrived. As a reward for your hard work and willingness to take every opportunity offered to align with your soul anything you desire is yours for the asking. The only question is- will you allow you to accept the reward?"

After a few moments of silence he repeated the question adding, "God is waiting for your answer."

Taking a deep breath, Kate's answer was, "Yes, I have worked my tail off and I am ready to accept everything God believes I deserve."