What do you want?

Awhile back someone took a look at my life and decided it needed fixing. I went along with this little game until the day I informed the person that I was done and no longer desired to be anyone's science fair project. I then wisely, I thought, stated that if our relationship was going to continue I expected equality. The person has not communicated since my demand was stated; perhaps still contemplating just how to make my request a reality.

Yesterday I began contemplating the exact same question with surprising results.

After some research I have determined that where humans are concerned there is no such thing as equality. In the first place who will decide what is equal? Everyone has had different life experiences. Some grew up in ideal family settings, others did not; some have great educations, others do not; some are financially well off, others are not; some are physically fit, others are not etc. etc. etc. as the King  of Siam once proclaimed.

Even if you took two human beings with the exact same backgrounds and engaged them in a tug of war the battle would still not be equal. One of those beings would always have more drive, more determination and more faith in their ability to win and therefore would be the winner of the contest.

So much for equality.

Going back to the drawing board it became apparent to me that it wasn't equality that I was seeking anyway, it was respect. It was the piece of the equation that had been clearly missing from the beginning of our relationship. How could this have occurred I pondered. The only way it could have happened is because I let it happen. I excused the person's actions because I didn't care enough about me.

I never once said to the person, "If you can't treat me with respect please leave".

With this thought I went back into other relationships I have had and realized that if I had cared as much about myself as I did about the other person my entire life would have been a whole lot more respectful. Disrespect almost always breeds disrespect. Basically we have two choices in this kind of situation. We can allow the negativity to keep building until someone/something explodes or we can put a stop to the nonsense as soon as it shows its nasty head.

From this experience I hope I have finally learned to expect from and give to others respect right from the beginning of any new relationship. 

Seriously?

The universe is filled with people who are all equipped with a brain, well most of them anyway! Each person uses that unique tool to make decisions, based on life experiences, which creates their comfort zone.  Sometimes I  look at someone and think- seriously?!

It seems to me that some people are so brain centered they forget they have a heart. Then there are the people who are so heart centered they forget they have a brain. It reminds me of the scarecrow and the tin man from the Wizard of Oz. They both needed the courage of the lion to balance their lives.

When we are new born humans all the pieces work together pretty well. It is our job to fill them up as the body grows. It would be nice if everything stayed balanced, but that rarely happens.

This is my opinion and you are welcome to follow along if you choose to do so. Every experience we have, every person we meet slowly manages to screw things up a little at a time, until we either become heart centered or brain centered; in other words unbalanced

At pivotal points in our life someone with a strong personality that is impossible to ignore will intercede and give us the opportunity to straighten up a bit. Mitch Albom wrote about these people in his wonderful book The Five People You Meet in Heaven.  I can easily identify at least two of those souls in my life.

These encounters are a little like going to a chiropractor. You know you are in pain and you need an adjustment, but you fear the procedure will hurt. Some people go willingly and some fight every step of the way. The result is usually worth the temporary discomfort though.

Strangely what I found in the two experiences I can recall is that I learned to balance my brain and heart,  while the teacher was left behind; leaving me to observe that life and think to myself- seriously?!

Are you generous?

This time of year people seem to be looking inside and examining who they are. One of the questions that pops into my mind is are you generous?

In the small town I live in there are always beggars standing on a particular corner in the area of our local Wal-Mart store. It gets the most traffic of any corner in town. People wave all kinds of creative signs as cars drive by. Franky, I pretty much ignore them, not truly believing they need help. There are people who earn more begging on a corner than those sitting behind a desk working all day. There are also places in town that offer help to those who need assistance.

Following my intuition, I did stop to help a woman one day. She had no visible means of transportation. I told her I would not give her money, but I would purchase groceries for her. She accepted my offer. We went back to the store and I allowed her to pick out whatever she thought she needed. After paying the bill I took her to a local motel where she and her family were staying. On the way we exchanged basic information and I learned her husband was out of work. It just so happened that I was in desperate need of finding someone to cheaply clear the dried grass in the back of my property. I made arrangements for the woman's husband to do the job the next day. As it turned out he was an honest fast worker who did an excellent job for a reasonable amount of money. My intuition paid off in this situation.

I have often shared the story of the very cold winter morning I was walking in the park. I encountered a young man sitting alone on a park bench with a backpack. I thought this was a bit odd as this particular morning was Christmas. As I was preparing to leave I just couldn't get the man out of my mind. I stopped by an Allsups store and purchased a cup of cappuccino and a pastry and returned to the park bench. Handing my purchase to the man I said, "merry Christmas". He thanked me and returned my greeting.

That experience took place because of a story I remembered  hearing that had stayed in my mind. A minister wanting to make a lasting impression on his congregation, dressed in rags and situated himself in front of his church one Sunday morning. The parishioners, dressed in their finest walked right past him, without giving him notice on their way into the church. When it was time for the service to start the minister still dressed in his rags walked up the aisle and addressed his congregation from behind the pulpit. No other words are necessary from me.

I just really think that generosity comes from the heart and we should always listen to our intuition, the voice of our universal guide. It doesn't always take money. Often just letting others know that we care is more than enough.

Quest for perfection

My inspiration is coming from everywhere these days. This post was inspired by a quote from Ralph Ellison: "The act of writing requires a constant plunging back into the shadow of the past where time hovers ghostlike." Any good writer knows the truth of these words. The quest for perfection is always present.

I'm sure many of my readers have noticed that between posts I often go back and forth with the ideas I express. If you look really close it is not unheard of for me to make changes even after a post is published. That's the really nice thing about being a blogger. It gives the writer the option of rethinking when new information presents itself. The same is not true of writing a book or being a columnist. The writer can edit up to the minute the material is published, but then it is too late. Having experience with all three mediums I much prefer blogging. Besides I am my own editor!

In my earlier years I was always seeking perfection in everything I did. In my later years I have backed off quite a lot from that view. I now know that nothing is perfect. Searching for perfection is a total waste of time and energy. I am also smart enough to realize that if something is not making me happy there is a problem that needs to be addressed.

I still have a terrible habit of holding off a little longer than necessary before tackling the issue, especially when it involves the way someone is treating me. That is probably a holdover from my former life of allowing others to walk all over me. I think it's part of my DNA to keep hoping the other person will change, even when my brain says that is never going to happen. The only person I can change is me.

I am learning that when any situation is causing me constant pain it is time to pull the plug. It doesn't matter if it involves a thing or a person. Life is just too short to put up with negative energy from any source.

Although I am easing off of my quest for perfection as I get older, I still try to put my best foot forward, especially as a writer.

You gotta wear green

Here we go again, about to celebrate another holiday promoted by the media- St. Patrick's Day is Monday. I'm not even Irish so what does it have to do with me? 

The closest I come is through my maternal  grandfather, who was of Scottish decent. I no longer drink and when I did never liked beer so I guess that leaves me out of the obligatory celebration. For years I purchased the meaningful corned beef brisket and made sure I had a head of cabbage and potatoes to boil for dinner. As far as wearing green goes, if I had it I wore it.

So again I ask myself, what does St. Patrick's Day have to do with me? My answer is absolutely nothing! Good grief I'm not even Catholic anymore, although the church might disagree with that! I remember somewhere along the line hearing "once Catholic always Catholic". Sorry about that, but I broke that rule several years ago and my soul belongs to me!

So this year I am going to ignore the media's control and treat the day no different than any other. I will cook, drink and wear whatever turns me on. The rest of the world can follow along like little sheep if they choose to, but I am not buying media control anymore.

I finally found the key!

Sometimes you just have to put all the puzzle pieces in a box, shake them up and roll them out onto a pristine pallet to find the answer to a question you weren't even aware you were seeking. Gathering a little of this and a little of that and a big chunk of my never failing friend intuition (otherwise known as universal help), I Goggled communication skills. In all honesty I must admit that at this point I knew exactly what I was looking for. I was searching for a key word.

The first word I came across was confidence. Reading on, it suddenly struck me like a bolt of lightening that it is not only the key to communication, but to every challenge we face as a human being. I can just hear a very good friend of mind saying "if you ain't got confidence you ain't got nothin'!"

Confidence is the element that has changed in my life. It is what has made everything else possible. All the other pieces of the puzzle now fit together perfectly. It is why I now have people following me that previously didn't even acknowledge my existence. It is why I do not fear challenging those who in the past I have allowed to intimidate me. It is why I no longer allow others to live my life for me. It is why I now have boundaries and if people cross them I do not hesitate to push them away, until or unless they meet my expectations.

In a minute I will share what else I found about communication skills so I don't waste the knowledge I acquired, but first I want to share a quote from former U.S. Senator, Fred Thompson, regarding President Ronald Reagan,  known as "the great communicator".  He said, "He was believable because he believed."

Exactly!

Now for the goggled information regarding communication skills: Next to confidence, which attracts others like a magnet, the suggestion was to show interest. Get the other person to talk about their self. Ask questions that require a detailed answer, not just yes or no. Phrase questions to make the person think. Listen twice as much as you speak. Stay focused, absorb the information and follow with a question relevant to the information received. Of course, if you are having a person to person conversation, as opposed to an online one, eye contact is important. Don't be afraid to take risks, nobody can take away your self-worth but you. The more interests you have the more you have to talk about. Start small and get comfortable it will build up your confidence.

The key word is confidence, if you have it you need do nothing more, if you don't; get out there and find IT!

Fairy dust people

There are people who fly around, not ever touching their feet to the ground, who love to rewrite my life for me. They always have a way of turning around whatever I think to end up being what they think. It is extremely annoying! Fairy dust people need to let me be and concentrate on their own life.

Things aren't always going to be perfect. How could they be when we don't live in a perfect world? We didn't come here for perfect. We came here to learn by experiences and solving whatever problems come up along the way that act as a road block to what we truly desire.

Of course, I would like things, especially relationships, to move along at an even pace, but that is never going to happen. It won't, because we all have a different way of looking at things. One person could have the most loving intentions and could be misinterpreted by the other. I have found through trial and error that there is always a third source of energy in any relationship. That entity has no body, but has the power to help repair whatever we as humans screw up, through misunderstandings.

Where there is love there is a way and the solution does not need the assistance of fairy dust people. Just keep your feet on the ground, walk confidently forward and watch for that mysterious energy to take over. Believe and it will be.