Lately I have become aware that fear is something that is interfering with my life and I decided to track down its roots as quickly as possible so that I can be done with it once and for all.
Until I began investigating I believed it was something that had cropped up in recent years. I couldn’t have been more wrong. It has been a problem all of my life and I wanted to know how this could have happened. What started the whole thing? Surely we are not born with the fear that terrible things may happen to us as we stroll along our journey. I was determined to know when this unreasonable fear of living my life began. There had to have been some kind of serious trauma and I realized it may not even include a conscious memory.
The best place to begin is in the beginning. My parents were married in June and I was born in December of the same year. Math has never been my strong point, but I can count higher than 9. My dear mother claimed I was premature until the day she died at 75. As an adult I sent for my birth certificate and clearly read the words full term birth. Even though I read the words I am not certain that my conscious mind grasped their meaning. After all, my mother, who was there at the time of my conception and delivery, should know the truth shouldn’t she?
From then on I blamed her for lying, which caused me to think less of her. I’m sure she had good reasons; including her own fear of finding out she was pregnant and not married. This fear was quite possibly passed on to me, even before my birth. If I knew then what I know now I would have realized it didn’t matter that she lied, because that was her problem. What mattered is that I believed her, until I saw the truth in writing. By then it had already done years of damage to my self-esteem.
The word premature to me means: weak, not ready, incomplete or flawed in some way. Added to this was the fact that when I was four months old she got pregnant again and my brother was born 9 months later. As a small child I could have interpreted that to mean that I wasn’t good enough and she needed to try again. Admittedly, I’m just guessing here. I have good reason to believe from the way she mothered both of us that she never intended to be a mother at all. We don’t always get what we want in life!
I believe I have found the root of my fear, now to pull it out and start over. I am not the person I was led to believe that I was. In recent years I have proved to myself and to the world that I am in no way weak, incomplete or flawed. There is no longer a need to hold on to a bold faced lie told by my mother to cover up her fear.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
Believe it or not
Since today is the first Friday the 13th in 2012 I decided to do a little search and find out the origin of all the fuss.
Bet you didn't know it is technically "Friggatriskaidekaphobia" (whew that was a mouth full)! Frigga is the name of the Norse goddess for whom Friday is named and triskaidekaphobia means the fear of #13.
What's so bad about #13 you might ask?
At the Last Supper there were 13 attendants. Judas, who later betrayed Jesus, sat at the 13th place is one explanation.
Apollo 13 is the only unsuccessful mission to attempt to land on the moon.
Traditionally, 13 is the number of steps leading to a gallows.
In numerology 12 is considered the number of completion and 13 disturbs the balance.
Witches gathered in groups of 12 and it is said the devil would appear as #13.
In some traditions 13 is actually a lucky number.
In Judaism it is the age a boy achieves Bar Mitzvah.
There were 13 original colonies in the United States.
God has 13 attributes of Mercy.
In Hinduism the 13th day following a death is the day a memorial feast is held for the peace of the departed.
What it all boils down to is you can choose to believe that Friday the 13th is unlucky or lucky. I think if you are still here on the 14th you might tend to believe in its luck!
Bet you didn't know it is technically "Friggatriskaidekaphobia" (whew that was a mouth full)! Frigga is the name of the Norse goddess for whom Friday is named and triskaidekaphobia means the fear of #13.
What's so bad about #13 you might ask?
At the Last Supper there were 13 attendants. Judas, who later betrayed Jesus, sat at the 13th place is one explanation.
Apollo 13 is the only unsuccessful mission to attempt to land on the moon.
Traditionally, 13 is the number of steps leading to a gallows.
In numerology 12 is considered the number of completion and 13 disturbs the balance.
Witches gathered in groups of 12 and it is said the devil would appear as #13.
In some traditions 13 is actually a lucky number.
In Judaism it is the age a boy achieves Bar Mitzvah.
There were 13 original colonies in the United States.
God has 13 attributes of Mercy.
In Hinduism the 13th day following a death is the day a memorial feast is held for the peace of the departed.
What it all boils down to is you can choose to believe that Friday the 13th is unlucky or lucky. I think if you are still here on the 14th you might tend to believe in its luck!
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
On writing
I thought it would be fun to see what writers had to say about writing.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
The reason one writes isn’t the fact that he wants to say something. He writes because he has something to say.
Judy Collins
I don’t think you get to good writing unless you express yourself and your feelings. Deep songs don’t come from the surface; they com from the deep down. The poetry and songs that you are supposed to write, I believe are in your heart.
Gloria Steinem
Writing is the only thing that when I do it, I don’t feel I should be doing something else.
Charlotte Bronte
I am neither a man nor a woman, but an author.
Truman Capote
Writing has laws of perspective, of light and shade just as painting does or music. If you are born knowing them, fine, if not learn them. Then rearrange the rules to suit yourself.
Walter Cronkite
Objective journalism and an opinion column are about as alike as the Bible and Playboy magazine.
Will Rogers
In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write, but evidently can’t read. If they could read their stuff they’d stop writing.
Jules Renard
Writing is the best way to talk without being interrupted.
V.S. Naipaul
I have trusted to intuition. I did it at the beginning. I do it even now. I have no idea how things might turn out, where in my writing I might go next.
David Ben Gurion
Anyone who believes you can’t change history has never tried to write his memoirs.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
The reason one writes isn’t the fact that he wants to say something. He writes because he has something to say.
Judy Collins
I don’t think you get to good writing unless you express yourself and your feelings. Deep songs don’t come from the surface; they com from the deep down. The poetry and songs that you are supposed to write, I believe are in your heart.
Gloria Steinem
Writing is the only thing that when I do it, I don’t feel I should be doing something else.
Charlotte Bronte
I am neither a man nor a woman, but an author.
Truman Capote
Writing has laws of perspective, of light and shade just as painting does or music. If you are born knowing them, fine, if not learn them. Then rearrange the rules to suit yourself.
Walter Cronkite
Objective journalism and an opinion column are about as alike as the Bible and Playboy magazine.
Will Rogers
In Hollywood the woods are full of people that learned to write, but evidently can’t read. If they could read their stuff they’d stop writing.
Jules Renard
Writing is the best way to talk without being interrupted.
V.S. Naipaul
I have trusted to intuition. I did it at the beginning. I do it even now. I have no idea how things might turn out, where in my writing I might go next.
David Ben Gurion
Anyone who believes you can’t change history has never tried to write his memoirs.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Hate
The next challenge for our writing group is "hate" and since my piece is finished I thought I would try it out on my blog audience. So here it goes comments welcome and appreciated!
Hate
Hate is such an ugly word, but it is after all only a word. It is the feeling behind the word that gets us in trouble. I distinctly remember shouting, “I hate her” when complaining to my grandmother about a former classmate. I was a teenager riding in the back seat of her car at the time. She immediately turned around and quietly said, “You don’t hate anyone”.
That simple response has stuck in my mind my whole life. I try not to use the word at all although occasionally it pops out. For instance my recent utterance, “I hate this snow”, was the result of not looking past the icy roads that kept me a prisoner to appreciate the pristine beauty it left.
According to Webster hate is “having a strong dislike or ill will toward a person or thing”. My definition of hate is a person who is unwilling to open their mind and heart to something beyond what is normal for them. For me the word hate especially brings up the word prejudice. That word quickly moves on to race, color, religion, economic status and anything else that categorizes a person or group of people. Hate has started many wars between people and nations because people cannot accept each other as is.
I feel very fortunate to have grown up without hate as a daily experience. The people around me come from all walks of life, some are rich some poor, some are black some white and every color in between; some are religious and some spiritual. I am grateful for the opportunity I have been given to learn from each one. They have all brought something different to my normal life and provided opportunities for me to evolve.
I do not consider any entity below or above me and so there is no reason to hate or be jealous of what anyone else has. We all came from the same source with our very own guidance system. To my knowledge we are all going back to whence we came when we are finished walking our path on this planet called earth.
Of course, there is that occasional person who expresses hate/dislike toward me. Others sometimes don’t like what I say, think or do. When that happens I have two choices. I can buy into what they believe causing even more hate, or simply ignore them; realizing that it is after all, their problem not mine. I don’t mean to give the impression that I have never expressed anger at someone’s behavior, but temporary anger is a long way from hate. While still in the infant stage it can be dealt with by communicating, providing both parties are willing to listen and be heard. Hate is a learned behavior and it can be unlearned.
Apparently my grandmother did a very good job with me in her simple response to my hateful behavior way back then by responding, “You don’t hate anyone”. Thanks Nana you did good!
Hate
Hate is such an ugly word, but it is after all only a word. It is the feeling behind the word that gets us in trouble. I distinctly remember shouting, “I hate her” when complaining to my grandmother about a former classmate. I was a teenager riding in the back seat of her car at the time. She immediately turned around and quietly said, “You don’t hate anyone”.
That simple response has stuck in my mind my whole life. I try not to use the word at all although occasionally it pops out. For instance my recent utterance, “I hate this snow”, was the result of not looking past the icy roads that kept me a prisoner to appreciate the pristine beauty it left.
According to Webster hate is “having a strong dislike or ill will toward a person or thing”. My definition of hate is a person who is unwilling to open their mind and heart to something beyond what is normal for them. For me the word hate especially brings up the word prejudice. That word quickly moves on to race, color, religion, economic status and anything else that categorizes a person or group of people. Hate has started many wars between people and nations because people cannot accept each other as is.
I feel very fortunate to have grown up without hate as a daily experience. The people around me come from all walks of life, some are rich some poor, some are black some white and every color in between; some are religious and some spiritual. I am grateful for the opportunity I have been given to learn from each one. They have all brought something different to my normal life and provided opportunities for me to evolve.
I do not consider any entity below or above me and so there is no reason to hate or be jealous of what anyone else has. We all came from the same source with our very own guidance system. To my knowledge we are all going back to whence we came when we are finished walking our path on this planet called earth.
Of course, there is that occasional person who expresses hate/dislike toward me. Others sometimes don’t like what I say, think or do. When that happens I have two choices. I can buy into what they believe causing even more hate, or simply ignore them; realizing that it is after all, their problem not mine. I don’t mean to give the impression that I have never expressed anger at someone’s behavior, but temporary anger is a long way from hate. While still in the infant stage it can be dealt with by communicating, providing both parties are willing to listen and be heard. Hate is a learned behavior and it can be unlearned.
Apparently my grandmother did a very good job with me in her simple response to my hateful behavior way back then by responding, “You don’t hate anyone”. Thanks Nana you did good!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
An angel's view
Yesterday I found the following post on my Facebook newsfeed. Something about it got my attention and I re-posted it for whoever else it was meant for.
If you have taken a minute to read this... The angels have seen YOU struggling with something. The angels say it’s over. A blessing is coming your way. If you believe in angels send this message on, please don't ignore it. The angels are going to fix two things (BIG) in your favor. If you believe in angels drop everything and re-post.
I do believe in angel help, but I also believe that they have a different view of our struggles than we humans here on earth do. The suggestion was that the angels would fix two big things that I have been struggling with. I began to think about what they might be.
My biggest struggle, which has followed me all of my life is fear. I can’t seem to trust that all is well and everything is going to turn out alright. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop when something negative happens. It is as if I just can’t allow myself to relax and enjoy my life. I think I need to get out of my own way and let things happen. I am quite aware that the wall I put up is keeping the things I truly want away, but I do not know how to let go of this fear of being happy, healthy and healed. If I were the angel in charge this would be my first fixer upper. Are you listening up there?
There are two other challenges that I have been struggling with for several years and they seem to be connected, probably even to the first. I have been living my life alone since 1999 and looking for a mate. Some people might use the term companion. Perhaps I am too picky, but I have a very specific individual in mind. He must be kind hearted, honest, spiritually accepting, have a great sense of humor, be healthy in mind and body and most of all be able to see the person inside. There have been a couple of men who have come close over the years, but close isn’t what I want.
The third struggle is money. Wow I am really tired of trying to live on an income below the poverty level. It isn’t that I can’t because I have surely proved that I can. I have met every challenge that the universe has presented and survived. Enough already! While there is still time I want to travel and meet new people and see new things. For once I want to not have to worry about the numbers on the right side of a menu. Even if I had money it would not be my style to waste it, but until I get it I can’t prove that to myself or anyone else.
I clearly see that the last two could easily become one and meet my second struggle that the angels also see. Since I don’t have the view of an angel I will just have to wait to find out the end of this story. In the meantime I will continue to believe in angelic help and happy endings.
If you have taken a minute to read this... The angels have seen YOU struggling with something. The angels say it’s over. A blessing is coming your way. If you believe in angels send this message on, please don't ignore it. The angels are going to fix two things (BIG) in your favor. If you believe in angels drop everything and re-post.
I do believe in angel help, but I also believe that they have a different view of our struggles than we humans here on earth do. The suggestion was that the angels would fix two big things that I have been struggling with. I began to think about what they might be.
My biggest struggle, which has followed me all of my life is fear. I can’t seem to trust that all is well and everything is going to turn out alright. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop when something negative happens. It is as if I just can’t allow myself to relax and enjoy my life. I think I need to get out of my own way and let things happen. I am quite aware that the wall I put up is keeping the things I truly want away, but I do not know how to let go of this fear of being happy, healthy and healed. If I were the angel in charge this would be my first fixer upper. Are you listening up there?
There are two other challenges that I have been struggling with for several years and they seem to be connected, probably even to the first. I have been living my life alone since 1999 and looking for a mate. Some people might use the term companion. Perhaps I am too picky, but I have a very specific individual in mind. He must be kind hearted, honest, spiritually accepting, have a great sense of humor, be healthy in mind and body and most of all be able to see the person inside. There have been a couple of men who have come close over the years, but close isn’t what I want.
The third struggle is money. Wow I am really tired of trying to live on an income below the poverty level. It isn’t that I can’t because I have surely proved that I can. I have met every challenge that the universe has presented and survived. Enough already! While there is still time I want to travel and meet new people and see new things. For once I want to not have to worry about the numbers on the right side of a menu. Even if I had money it would not be my style to waste it, but until I get it I can’t prove that to myself or anyone else.
I clearly see that the last two could easily become one and meet my second struggle that the angels also see. Since I don’t have the view of an angel I will just have to wait to find out the end of this story. In the meantime I will continue to believe in angelic help and happy endings.
Friday, January 6, 2012
It feels good to give
A couple of days ago I was the only person in line behind a young woman who was counting her change to pay for her purchase. She didn't have enough money. I could feel her pain and embarrassment. Without thinking I asked the clerk how much she needed, which was a little over a dollar. I handed her a five dollar bill and said take it out of this. The young woman gratefully thanked me and I said, Happy New Year!
After she left the clerk told me I was a very kind person. We briefly discussed that what you do for others comes back to you. She related the fact that she had once found a wallet outside a casino containing $2,000 dollars and turned it in. Four days later she won over $4,000.
The clerk's story briefly made me wonder if I would be repaid for this and many other times I have felt a person's pain and responded. Then I decided it didn't matter because I didn't do it for a reward. I did it because it feels really good to give.
I remember a wonderful opportunity I had several years ago to help someone and it brought back a warm feeling to my heart. A friend and I were having lunch at a local restaurant. We were served by a very good waiter who shared that he and his wife were going through some hard times through no fault of their own and he had lost faith in humanity. Again I felt his pain. I had just come from the bank and had an unusual amount of cash in my purse. I took an envelope and placed bills in it, not questioning what I was doing. I handed it to him as we left. When we reached the door of the restaurant we heard a loud whoop and he rushed towards me with a grateful hug. He had just received the biggest tip he will no doubt ever get from a customer. I still am not sure why I did what I did, but the memory still feels really good.
Last week a man knocked on my door shortly after dark. Our roads were ice packed and he appeared to be walking. He said he had just gotten off work. In his hand he held a jar with a photo of a baby he said was his godson. The baby was in the heart hospital and the man said he was trying to collect money to help the parents. Although it was a strange situation to occur at night I hesitated only for a moment before contributing a small amount to his cause. In sharing the story with others and asking what they would have done I was surprised at the reaction of some. One in particular said to call the police and report the man because she suspected it was a scam. Another said it only mattered that I followed my heart and if it was a scam it was the man's problem to deal with. Even though I had never met the man before I saw no reason not to believe him and I am happy that I followed my intuition.
A couple days after this happened my car suddenly started overheating and I immediately stopped at Delta Tires, which is run by a good friend. My car was checked and it was determined I needed a new alternator. Obviously a tire store does not usually deal with other problems a car might have. In this case the owner had one of his employees put in a new part. I was out of there in a couple of hours and the bill was very reasonable. I choose to believe the kindness I showed to others recently had a lot to do with the outcome.
Today I'm splitting some bread crumbs between the birds in my yard and my feathered friends at the Riverwalk and dropping off some cookies at our local mission. giving doesn't have to be limited to money.
It really doesn't take a lot to help someone in need. I intend to keep doing what I am doing because giving feels really good.
After she left the clerk told me I was a very kind person. We briefly discussed that what you do for others comes back to you. She related the fact that she had once found a wallet outside a casino containing $2,000 dollars and turned it in. Four days later she won over $4,000.
The clerk's story briefly made me wonder if I would be repaid for this and many other times I have felt a person's pain and responded. Then I decided it didn't matter because I didn't do it for a reward. I did it because it feels really good to give.
I remember a wonderful opportunity I had several years ago to help someone and it brought back a warm feeling to my heart. A friend and I were having lunch at a local restaurant. We were served by a very good waiter who shared that he and his wife were going through some hard times through no fault of their own and he had lost faith in humanity. Again I felt his pain. I had just come from the bank and had an unusual amount of cash in my purse. I took an envelope and placed bills in it, not questioning what I was doing. I handed it to him as we left. When we reached the door of the restaurant we heard a loud whoop and he rushed towards me with a grateful hug. He had just received the biggest tip he will no doubt ever get from a customer. I still am not sure why I did what I did, but the memory still feels really good.
Last week a man knocked on my door shortly after dark. Our roads were ice packed and he appeared to be walking. He said he had just gotten off work. In his hand he held a jar with a photo of a baby he said was his godson. The baby was in the heart hospital and the man said he was trying to collect money to help the parents. Although it was a strange situation to occur at night I hesitated only for a moment before contributing a small amount to his cause. In sharing the story with others and asking what they would have done I was surprised at the reaction of some. One in particular said to call the police and report the man because she suspected it was a scam. Another said it only mattered that I followed my heart and if it was a scam it was the man's problem to deal with. Even though I had never met the man before I saw no reason not to believe him and I am happy that I followed my intuition.
A couple days after this happened my car suddenly started overheating and I immediately stopped at Delta Tires, which is run by a good friend. My car was checked and it was determined I needed a new alternator. Obviously a tire store does not usually deal with other problems a car might have. In this case the owner had one of his employees put in a new part. I was out of there in a couple of hours and the bill was very reasonable. I choose to believe the kindness I showed to others recently had a lot to do with the outcome.
Today I'm splitting some bread crumbs between the birds in my yard and my feathered friends at the Riverwalk and dropping off some cookies at our local mission. giving doesn't have to be limited to money.
It really doesn't take a lot to help someone in need. I intend to keep doing what I am doing because giving feels really good.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
What is normal?
On this 4th day of January things seem to be getting back to normal whatever that is. The kids are finally back in school where they belong during the week. Most of the roads are now free of snow and ice from our holiday storms. People are slowly moving into their familiar patterns of everyday life.
For the first time since Christmas I went to the family center to walk and use the fitness room. I thought it would be hard to go back, but it felt really good to be moving around. I also visited my chiropractor to get my body back in shape and deal with the stress the snow and holidays brought to me. That also felt good.
Tomorrow my writing group resumes meeting every other week. I made phone calls yesterday to remind the members since it had been three weeks since our last meeting. It looks as if we are all in sinc and I am anxious for the group to move forward with new ideas, possibly picking up some new members. We all left with the writing challenge: humorous resolutions. I can't wait to see how uniquely different the offerings will be.
After checking out some of the 2012 videos my friends have suggested I begin this new year with a different perspective than last year. I am aware that this is going to be a special year, especially for those who are interested in their own evolvement. I hope to be more open to the ways that I can be loving, not only to others, but to myself.
I have a feeling that whatever was normal at this time last year is not going to be true this year. I certainly hope that after all the work I have done on myself I have moved more than a few steps forward.
For the first time since Christmas I went to the family center to walk and use the fitness room. I thought it would be hard to go back, but it felt really good to be moving around. I also visited my chiropractor to get my body back in shape and deal with the stress the snow and holidays brought to me. That also felt good.
Tomorrow my writing group resumes meeting every other week. I made phone calls yesterday to remind the members since it had been three weeks since our last meeting. It looks as if we are all in sinc and I am anxious for the group to move forward with new ideas, possibly picking up some new members. We all left with the writing challenge: humorous resolutions. I can't wait to see how uniquely different the offerings will be.
After checking out some of the 2012 videos my friends have suggested I begin this new year with a different perspective than last year. I am aware that this is going to be a special year, especially for those who are interested in their own evolvement. I hope to be more open to the ways that I can be loving, not only to others, but to myself.
I have a feeling that whatever was normal at this time last year is not going to be true this year. I certainly hope that after all the work I have done on myself I have moved more than a few steps forward.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
