Self doubt

Recently I mentioned that I  have been asked to be a CASA volunteer (Court Appointed Special Advocate for children). I was flattered to be considered for this program. The more I thought about it the more I realized that because of my life experiences it was a really good fit. In the simplest terms the volunteer connects with (appointed by a judge) an abused child and gives that child and his/her welfare a voice in the court system.

Although never physically abused, I have had a lifetime of emotionally abusive relationships. Some of them were and are from family members and friends whom I believed cared about my welfare. I now realize that allowing others to become emotionally abusive is a negative habit left over from my childhood. Unfortunately, as a child, I had no one to stand up for my welfare and speak for me. As a result I faced the big wide world as a high school graduate with very low self-esteem. It led to all kinds of bad decisions that just kept reinforcing self doubt.

It has only been in the last few years that I have found the courage through trial and error to correct this bad habit. I have discarded some really nice people from my life, who because they are extremely controlling individuals, were trying to live my life through their values and ideas.

A couple of days ago I picked up the manual for CASA in preparation for the training that will take place over this coming weekend. As I began reading the material we will be focusing on I was overwhelmed by the amount of information we will be expected to digest. Self doubt began to lift its ugly head. I have a high school education with a bit of college tossed in. I began asking myself if my life experience will be enough. Is caring deeply about others, because of what I have lived through, going to make a difference in an abused child's life.

I still am not sure of the answer but I have decided that since God/Source has placed me in this position it would be rude not to accept the opportunity I have been offered to find out. By the time the extensive training is over on Sunday I will have the answer I am seeking and will either will be or not be a CASA volunteer. 

Then and now

Back in 1961 I officially became eligible to celebrate Mother's Day for the first time. Today looking at the results of my efforts I wonder why my three children have such a different view of their childhood than I do. All the sacrificing so that they could have the best went out the window; all they remember are the times I broke the rules, according to their view, of what perfect mothers are supposed to be.

All I can say to my three is that if you could have walked in my shoes and dealt with the problems I was given, in addition to being a mother, your view of my mothering would sound quite different. Mothers do not come with a book of instructions and as a matter of fact neither do their children.

I did the best that I could under the circumstances.

On this Mother's Day my children consist of my two cats, Ebony and Smokey and my recently adopted dog, Ejay. All they require is food, water and a little attention. I don't have to give up anything for them and they are very grateful for what I do give them.

Universal prompts

This has been an interesting day of receiving universal prompts. It could have something to do with yesterday's post about finding my voice after a 19 year journey. I omitted answering the question- what am I supposed to do now that I found it? The universe has an annoying way of prompting unanswered questions like that.

First thing this morning I clicked on a favorite hymn, Hear I am Lord, to accompany me while I did some stretching exercises. The song is left over from my past experience as a Catholic. There are words in the hymn that have always stuck in my mind.

Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord?
I hear you calling in the night
I will go Lord if you lead me
I will hold your people in my heart.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kiGZ9j3OD88

Next I wrote some checks for bills, one of which was for my cable company. For some reason it reminded me to ask why I was not getting the music channels anymore. When I did I was told to bring in the cable box and they would replace it. Following their suggestion gave me a better picture, but still no music. I was tempted to just let it go until I realized I was paying for something I wasn't getting. A technician will address the problem on Friday with no charge to me.

Checking on Facebook brought me to a friend's new blog post. He had written a wonderful post comparing music with the energy patterns our thoughts send out. His blog, Bob's Unblocked Mind, can be found to the right on my blog list, if you would like to check it out. He is a very inspirational writer.

My next prompt was a beautiful photo of two humming birds who appeared to be singing to each other.

Moving on, another friend had posted a meaningful quote from Plato. It was, "Music is the movement of sound to reach the soul for the education of its virtue."

About this time I was thinking maybe my universal message was about music, which made little sense as I don't play an instrument and you really wouldn't want to hear me sing.

The last prompt (so far) was something I found while scrolling on Facebook.

 What do all these things have in common and what does that have to do with me?  As all of us have heard at one time or another during our life, "time to put on your thinking cap".

I've got it! ENERGY!!

Everything out there is energy; from the thoughts we think, the words we use, the songs we sing, the things we do and the things we choose not to do, it is all energy. What we put out is exactly what we get back.

I don't know about you, but I choose to use my energy for whatever good I can do while I still have the time.

  

Manifesting a (my) voice

Recently I have been following a site on Facebook that presents astrological facts in an easy to understand concept. It is https://www.facebook.com/ThePsychicWhisperer. This morning's post caused some interesting changes in my current life, which led me to fully grasp the fact that I have been working on "manifesting a (my) voice" for many years, without really understanding what I was doing.

Quoting the post, regarding the New Moon/Solar Eclipse which will occur on May 10, 2013: "Eclipses mark times of cosmic redirection and energy shifts. Something we've been working on, learning about or struggling with comes to an end at a lunar eclipse. This particular eclipse marks a fertile new beginning as it takes place in the astrological sign of manifestation. It marks the end of a 19-year cycle relating to issues of self worth and values."

The suggestion at the end of the article was to look back to May 1994 and see what was beginning to be manifested. Then ask was it manifested and if yes, what is your next step?

Here comes the fun part! I began trying to remember what I was doing way back in 1994, but somehow I stumbled over 2004. Math has never been my strong point. 19 years, that's a long time. Then I remembered I had been keeping a scrap book or sorts of important things that have happened in my life in recent years. You can imagine my amazement when I noted that the cover of the book read 1994-2011.

The very first thing in the book, after a brief bio, is a page sharing my very first published work as an author- yep it was published in the spring of 1994. I wasn't quite prepared for that little flash from the past. I began flipping through the very full book, reminding me of all the milestones I have lived through. One of the first things I did, was to get the book up to date, squeezing in another 6 pages. When I had finished I saw a person before me who was born to express their self through writing and community service.

Until the spring of 1994 I lived my life through others; I was a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother, a grandmother and a friend/acquaintance. I was always attached to someone else and found it safer to hide behind those people. I never gave myself a chance to just be me all by myself and quite frankly nobody ever pushed me to find myself.

Apparently, someone consciously unknown to me, gave me the push/shove I needed to begin the journey of manifesting my voice. Until then, few including me, had ever cared to take the time to really see me or hear my voice. For those people I have the following message:

  

Sharing the fun

Today I am sharing a piece of work written by someone I am encouraging to get her thoughts out of her head and onto paper. This creative soul desires to remain anonymous for now.

Fun
I love to run around outside, playing with the cats.They would get mad at me, but I was just playing. I would run to the back fence saying hello to the friend next door. Mom would not let me go over there, so it was just hello. I would dig holes in the yard, I love to play in, but mom would cover them up, saying, "No do not dig holes." I don"t know why. I always run and say hello to the postman, but he never says hello to me. What is wrong with these people?

So I just play by myself. Sometimes someone would play ball with me. That is so much fun, only it doesn't last long enough. When mom had friends over I wanted to say hi to them. "No" mom said, "leave them alone." That is no fun. some would play ball with me, but they always stopped before I was ready to stop.

Oh what fun I could have if mom would let me, but she is the boss and I have to obey. I love you mom arf arf!

  

A conversation with God

me: I've got a person in my life that I have been trying to eliminate and I don't seem to be able to accomplish this task, will you  please help me?

God: Of course, describe this person for me.

me: He is 100% phony, rude, obnoxious, narcissistic, has no integrity or empathy, his actions never match his words, a control freak, unable to follow through with anything.

God: That's quite a list of character traits rolled up in one person. Is there anything positive you can add?

me: I'm thinking...

God: There are times that I put others on your path specifically to act as a mirror for you to see how far you have come on your journey. It looks to me as if this particular soul reflects my best piece of work, and by the way, yours too.

me:So what do you suggest I do now?

God: Dump him you have no further need of his assistance in this life. Just between you and me I'll see if I can clean up his soul in case you two are scheduled to meet again in the future.

me: Thank you for your enlightenment and have a great day!

Remembering you Mary

This 29th day of April 2013 marks 17 years since you left us to move on to your next assignment. You spent your life  volunteering for your community in whatever way you felt you could help. You were a positive role model for others. Although you were not born here you loved New Mexico and considered it God's land. Everyone you touched through your generosity and kind spirit was happier for knowing you. I am grateful to have had the privilege to be chosen as your daughter-in-law.

Peace be with you always Mary.

In memory of Mary Milan Gunn, daughter, wife, mother, grandmother, great grandmother, friend to all.